Top Ten Things Not to do in The Back of a Police Car

Spring Break


Spring break inspires many things. There are enough police interventions during this time to be an inspiration for some stories. I picked a small segment of time and provide advice to those who find themselves behind the grid so to speak.

Top Ten Things Not to do in The Back of a Police Car

By John W. Howell © 2017

10 In the back of a police car, do not start a campfire thinking you need to stay warm. If you do, at best the foam extinguisher may make your face break out. At worst, your dad will not answer your call, and the judge is remanding you over for psychological evaluation. (Looks like the cost of the car and long-term care will be on you, Pumpkin)

9 In the back of a police car, do not remove your clothes. If you do, at best you will be asked to put them back on. At worst, in addition to all the charges so far you have added indecent exposure. (Let’s see how this plays in the hometown paper, Bunky)

8 In the back of a police car, do not sing Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. If you do, at best you will be on key with no consequences. At worst, your performance will be videotaped and go viral showing up at every job interview background check for the next ten years. (Wonder why it’s so hard to find work, Buford?)

7 In the back of a police car, do not try to kick your way out. If you do, at best you may sprain an ankle. At worst, the resisting arrest charge will require arm and leg restraints for every court appearance. (Nothing makes one look guilty quite as much as chains huh, Tex?)

6 In the back of a police car, do not try hysterical crying as a method of possible release.  If you do, at best you may be locked up for your own protection. At worst, you may find yourself strapped to a gurney under observation at the local hospital. (This was not an intended result was it, Bucky?)

5 In the back of a police car, do not think you are in a public restroom. If you do, at best you find no place to wash up. At worst, you will notice the name tag on the officer now holding you around the neck which reads, “Tiny.” (You didn’t know this was Tiny’s (WWF champ) favorite car did you, Slug? Now it might be a little too late.)

4 In the back of a police car, do not whine about the tight handcuffs. If you do, at best you will be ignored. At worse, your cuffs will be traded out for a full straight jacket. (Makes the cuffs seem like a luxury right, Pard?)

3 In the back of a police car do not try to tell the officers how mush of a mistake they are making in arresting you. If you do, at best they will continue to ignore you. At worst, instead of a short ride and warning, they may personally drive you to the county jail and book you in. (Nothing like making it tougher on yourself huh, Slick?)

2 In the back of a police car do not wave and smile at everyone you pass. If you do, at best no one knows who you are. At worst, unbeknownst to you, some your parent’s friends witnessed your procession. (Those scholarship funds just aren’t going to cover all your college expenses now that you are cut off are they, Buster?)

1 In the back of a police car, pray you don’t get sick. If you do at best maybe the prayer will be answered. At worst, your prayer has been ignored, and you are now faced with two angry police officers and a very messy backseat. (Tomorrow morning ought to be a beaut huh, Roscoe?)


  1. This one is a classic, John! I laughed the entire way through. Thanks for making my Monday morning, a humorous one. 🙂

    1. I stand to serve. I’m glad you liked it, Jill. 😀

    1. You will never need this list, Sally. 😀

      1. Oh I don’t know John.. plenty of life left in the old girl.. xxx

  2. Most entertaining John..

    1. Thanks, Michael. 😀

  3. Now I know what I’ve been doing wrong! The crying really, really, really doesn’t work.

    1. No it just makes the police feel helpless and they hate that. Thanks. 😀

      1. Huh. I always liked it when I got suspects to cry in the interrogation room.

  4. Gwen Plano · ·

    I suspect you had fun creating this list….#3 is a winner… 🙂

    1. It was a fun time for sure. Thanks, Gwen.

  5. I have to disagree with #8. There is never a bad time to sing Bohemian Rhapsody. 😀

    1. Could be right. “No we will not let him go, it’s still locked.”

      1. That would be the best part of the whole thing. And if anyone doesn’t even try to sing along, you know they’re an alien.

  6. Reblogged this on Words To Captivate ~ by John Fioravanti and commented:
    Author, John W. Howell from Port Aransas, Texas, offers some tree and timely advice about what not to do during Spring Break. Enjoy!

    1. Thanks for the reblog, John. 😀

      1. My pleasure, good sir!

  7. Thank goodness that’s one thing I’ve never had to do. My dad use to say, “You better not ever get caught doing that again.” So I concentrated my efforts of not getting caught.

    1. Not getting caught is a good objective. Thanks, Susan.

  8. John… you are a riot, my friend. Terrific list to brighten me up with a blizzard on the way.
    I laughed out loud when Tiny showed up as a policeman. .
    But I love number 8 and Bohemian Rhapsody. Bushwa! So that’s what the problem is!
    Mega hugs!

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Teagan. Have a great day! HUGS

  9. Highly entertaining, John. Loved them all, but I got a good visual image with #8 that had me giggling.

    1. Yes. There is actually a video of a guy doing it.

      1. OMG, that’s pitiful. I bet that guy is wishing for anonymity, LOL!

  10. If there are any police officers that read this, I’m sure they’d have personal stories to add to this list. 🙂 Entertaining, as always, John!

    1. They are welcome to join in. Thanks, Jan.

  11. I kind of like the idea of #8 – I could definitely see that one going viral.

  12. All learned from observation, not experience, I assume. I suppose Bohemian Rhapsody could be looked at as a confession. I guess Roger Miller’s Dang Me is off the list too.

    1. All learned form here say. 😀 Confession 😀

  13. Excellent advice, John, but could you shorten each point to no more than five words and enlarge the font to 40pt? Let’s just say that most people in the backseat of a police car have a hard time focusing. 🙂

    1. Ha ha ha. Next time will do. 😀

  14. This has inspired my writing for today. I’m off to see if I can be half this witty first thing Monday morning. Good one, John!

    1. Thanks, Linda. 🙂

  15. What a timely list! Still, those who need to read it and learn are the very ones who won’t, right? I especially love numbers, 9, 5, and 2!!

    1. Thank you, Debbie. 😀

  16. #6 …it would be the only reaction I’d have. It’s called being scared. So thankful common sense keeps me on the straight. Enjoyed this, John.

    1. Good for you. 😀

  17. Always well done … #8 is my fav!

    An addendum: No matter what you do in the back of the police car, it’s Obama’s fault.

    1. Addendum II. What ever you did to find yourself in the back of a police car is Obama’s fault. Thanks, Frank

      1. Perfect … and absolutely.

  18. Sorry to be late to the party, John. At least I didn’t need this advice yesterday. I can add one, from oh, let’s call it my over-active imagination. If the police are going to drop you off at your parent’s house, don’t ask them to drive off quietly. At best, they will slam the door after letting you out. At worst, they will slam the door, and wait for you to open the door to your house. Then it’s lights and siren time.

    1. Ha ha ha. I like this one. Could have fit Tiny into the father role. Thanks, Dan

  19. #1: Never find yourself in the back of a police car…

  20. Thanks for the tips, John. I’ve taken careful note so I can follow them to the letter next time I’m sitting in the back of a police car. 🙂

    1. Put it in your wallet for easy reference, Bun. 😀

  21. Not that I’ve ever been in the back of a police car, but I’ve always wanted to turn on the sirens and make out that I’m part of the Cagney & Lacy team.

    1. Ha haha. Maybe some day you’ll get your chance, Hugh. Thanks. 😀

      1. My day will come. I can feel it, John. 😀

      2. You might be there as a honored author in a parade.

  22. These are great, John. Anyone who uses Tiny as a urinal may not make it to the station and lockup alive. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Thank you, Suzanne. I have to agree with you. 😀

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