Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

New Car


The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for my wife. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat a fast food anything. If you do, at best the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather did you, Ferd?)

9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts as if it is a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts huh, Bosco?)

8 In your spouse’s new car do not take the dog. If you do, at best you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)

7 In your spouses new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best the potting sold dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)

6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today huh, Bunky?)

5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off or your car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)

4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. if you do, at best you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that car.)

3 In your spouses car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)

2 In your spouses car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise huh, Pal?)

1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One hundred and One Dalmatian film. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area right, Pard?)



  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    Good reminders, John. LOL! We don’t easily forget our spouse’s nicks and spots in our cars – new or old. 🙂

    1. Yes. Best to let the other do the damage. Thanks, Gwen.

  2. Ha-ha-ha, great, dear John! To the point! 🙂 Thank you!

    1. Thank you, Maria. Glad you liked it.

      1. Any time ,dear John. I do like your irony. Always smart & spicy. Your views of neighbourhood are marvellous. 🙂

      2. Aw shucks. 😀

  3. Why do I feel like the best piece of advice is to not touch the spouse’s new car? At least until they make a mess.

    1. Best advice ever. 😀

  4. Too bad there’s no way to fix a car that looks like an accordion after Tiny smashes it trying to relieve his claustrophobia. Poor Tiny has more phobias than the ordinary person. No wonder he becomes angry. I’d hate to be his opponent in the ring. He probably ends up like an accordion too. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Hahaha! I see Tiny has another friend. Hugs.

      1. Suzanne likes Tiny. 😀

    2. Ha ha ha. Yes poor Tiny. He is every persons worst nightmare and has all the phobias known to date. Thanks, Suzanne. 😀

  5. Great tips, John! You mean people use the cart returns in your area? Around here, they just ditch the cart, usually right next to my car.

    1. I would say most do. There is a occasional story one. (It’s the one rolling down the incline headed for me.) 😀

  6. Ha! I just did “the car thing” four months ago. So I really cringed when I saw the title of this one. …So, has Molly had you sign a written agreement that includes a list like this one? If not, have her give me a call, and I’ll help her draft one. 😉 Just kidding. Thanks for the Monday morning fun, John. Mega hugs.

    1. Thanks for the comments. Yes there is a contract. “mess my car and die.” 😀

  7. Great list, John. But, number 10 is about 34 years too late for me. I ate a McDonald’s cheeseburger in the first new car we bought for the Mrs, the week after we took delivery. That mustard-ketchup-whatever mix stain stayed on the driver’s seat the entire time we owned the car. I also have experience with numbers 8,7,4 and 2

    1. Your track record is safe. Will stand for years, Dan. Thanks, Dan.

      1. Those are the areas where I excel 🙂

  8. Excellent list to keep in mind, John!

    1. Yes. Thanks, John

  9. ROFL @ #1 – I LIKE spotty cars! 😀

    1. A bear to clean though. Thanks, Jan

  10. Thanks, John, Guess what? I just got a new, white car. This couldn’t be more perfect – I read them to my hubs!

    1. Yes. Warn him as well. 😀

  11. My wife bought a Subaru Forester three weeks ago, I was able to tick five of the items off the list. My goal is to get to the other five by June.

    1. Ha ha ha. I would hold off on the mustard. That really gets contentious. 😀

  12. Good tips – my pet peeve is the radio especially.

    1. All wives pet peeve. Just leave the damn thing alone can’t ya? Thanks, Teri

  13. I love these! I think every new car owner can relate, LOL.
    My favorites were #2 and #1. The visuals I have of those are great! 😀

    1. Thank you, Mae. 😀

  14. I have experience with most of these. I’d rather call a cab than have to drive my wife’s car.

    1. I know what you mean. I feel the same way.

  15. Ah, ha, ha! Hilarious (but true) list, John!

    1. Thank you, Vashti. I agree on the true part. 😀

  16. Excellent advice, Sheriff. I think it might actually pay just to rent a car rather than to take your spouse’s ride, lol.

    PS- Tiny is claustrophobic too? It’s something else (the only thing) the two of us have in common.

    1. Not a bad trait to share. (unless you are caught in the same little space.) Thanks, Pilgrim.

      1. You’re a good man, Sheriff.

      2. Only follow your lead, Pilgrim.

  17. Ah, and don’t mess with the adjustment on the driver’s seat either, ha! I hate when the guys in the service department do that and have been known to rate them down in their follow-up survey because of it!!

  18. My best advice – Don’t ever drive your spouses new car…when they are sat in the passenger’s seat, John. “Slow down, watch that cyclist in the next road, mind that pedestrian in her garden, the white lines in the middle of the road are there for a reason, don’t scuff the door with your feet when getting out the car…” I could go on, but I’d be here for the rest of the day.

    1. Also when your spouse is driving say nothing and for heaven’s sake do not grab the sissy bar on curves.

      1. Oh, I’ve already grabbed that bar, John. 😀

      2. Oh oh. Did you get the dark look?

      3. I did, but I can give an even darker look back. 😈

  19. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    Another funny, but true, top ten list from John Howell.

    1. Another Thank you.

  20. I was insured to drive my brothers car just after I passed my test. I went into a multi story car park for the first time on my own and it had like a chicane to get in and pull a ticket out of the machine and I scraped his hubcaps all along the curb 😳.

    1. Ouch. I’m sure he forgave you though. 😀

      1. Two new hubcaps later he finally did 🤷‍♀️. Luckily they weren’t metal ones!

      2. Yes. I can see how that could happen though.

  21. Great list and good advice for staying outta da dog house too. 🙂

    1. Yeah. That house is a miserable place.

  22. […] John has a wonderful blog where he entertains with short stories and also shares the changing face of his world along the coast of Texas.  He also the master of the Ten Things Not to Do.. including his latest wisdom… What not to do in your spouses new car…… […]

    1. Thank you, Sally.

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