Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

~ John W. Howell

New Car

 

The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for my wife. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat a fast food anything. If you do, at best the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather did you, Ferd?)

9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts as if it is a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts huh, Bosco?)

8 In your spouse’s new car do not take the dog. If you do, at best you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)

7 In your spouses new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best the potting sold dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)

6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today huh, Bunky?)

5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off or your car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)

4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. if you do, at best you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that car.)

3 In your spouses car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)

2 In your spouses car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise huh, Pal?)

1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One hundred and One Dalmatian film. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area right, Pard?)

 

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

60 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car”

  1. Good reminders, John. LOL! We don’t easily forget our spouse’s nicks and spots in our cars – new or old. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Too bad there’s no way to fix a car that looks like an accordion after Tiny smashes it trying to relieve his claustrophobia. Poor Tiny has more phobias than the ordinary person. No wonder he becomes angry. I’d hate to be his opponent in the ring. He probably ends up like an accordion too. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Ha! I just did “the car thing” four months ago. So I really cringed when I saw the title of this one. …So, has Molly had you sign a written agreement that includes a list like this one? If not, have her give me a call, and I’ll help her draft one. 😉 Just kidding. Thanks for the Monday morning fun, John. Mega hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Great list, John. But, number 10 is about 34 years too late for me. I ate a McDonald’s cheeseburger in the first new car we bought for the Mrs, the week after we took delivery. That mustard-ketchup-whatever mix stain stayed on the driver’s seat the entire time we owned the car. I also have experience with numbers 8,7,4 and 2

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Excellent advice, Sheriff. I think it might actually pay just to rent a car rather than to take your spouse’s ride, lol.

    PS- Tiny is claustrophobic too? It’s something else (the only thing) the two of us have in common.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Ah, and don’t mess with the adjustment on the driver’s seat either, ha! I hate when the guys in the service department do that and have been known to rate them down in their follow-up survey because of it!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. My best advice – Don’t ever drive your spouses new car…when they are sat in the passenger’s seat, John. “Slow down, watch that cyclist in the next road, mind that pedestrian in her garden, the white lines in the middle of the road are there for a reason, don’t scuff the door with your feet when getting out the car…” I could go on, but I’d be here for the rest of the day.

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  20. I was insured to drive my brothers car just after I passed my test. I went into a multi story car park for the first time on my own and it had like a chicane to get in and pull a ticket out of the machine and I scraped his hubcaps all along the curb 😳.

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