Top Ten Things Not to do When Cooking

Top Ten things not to do


The inspiration for this list is the fact that I love to cook. I cook a lot and have made some interesting dishes that didn’t quite make the delicious category. So I hope you enjoy this batch.

Ten Things Not to do When Cooking.

10 If you are cooking, do not think you can walk away to let things “simmer.” If you do, at best the dish will burn. At worst, the fire department has opened an investigation to see if the configuration was set on purpose. (You always wondered what the chirping noise in those smoke detectors was huh, Buford. Well, seems they finally died.)

9 If you are cooking, do not think your brother-in-law, Tiny the WWF champ is going to act as your sous chef. If you do, at best there might be some yelling. At worst, Tiny just left his court ordered anger management session and is taking out his frustration on your new twelve piece setting of China. (I think asking him to make a souffle was over the top don’t you, Ferd?)

8 If you are cooking, and have a pan in the oven to finish, do not forget the oven mitt when you take it out. If you do, at best you’ll remember in a split second after you touch the handle. At worst, yo are now the proud owner of a new All-Clad brand on the palm of your hand. (Didn’t you notice the smoke, Buster?)

7 If you are cooking, do not think for every cup of wine in the recipe you need to drink a like amount. If you do, at best there is only one cup. At worst, you need to wonder how everyone liked the meal that you slept through. (You are no Julia Child, Tex. Oh, by the way, your wife’s lawyer just called.)

6 If you are cooking, don’t think you don’t need to follow a recipe. If you do, at best you are making scrambled eggs. At worst, the EMS driver has called the Center for Disease Control thinking there is a massive epidemic in your sick family. (So you didn’t understand some of the ingredients, Ralph. It still looked good enough to eat which was unfortunate for everyone.)

5 If you are cooking, do not try to call your local carry out and pass it off as yours. If you do, at best you’ll have to fess up. At worst, everyone will complement your effort as the best ever. (Sadly they even started to list some of your worst dishes huh, Pard?)

4 If you are cooking, do not invite anyone over for dinner until you have mastered the dish. If you do, at best no one will tell you that the meal was bad. At worst, each of your guests had an emergency phone call and had to leave. (Did you wonder why most only took one bite before the emergency, Putz?)

3 If you are cooking, do not do your famous garlic surprise the night before that real estate open house. If you do, at best the Fabreeze air freshener might cover it. At worst, the attendees will manage a one minute stay before needing oxygen. (Ever wonder why people never visit you, Jake?)

2 If you are cooking, do not think everyone loves their food spicy hot. If you do, at best you’ll have a ton of leftovers. At worst, you will have to put up with people running to the nearest faucet for relief. (A little embarrassing to have all your faucets covered by gulping dinner guests isn’t it, Bunky?)

1 If you are cooking, do not trust that automatic start on the oven. If you do, at best you can fill in with McDonald’s. At worst, the prospect of serving raw turkey to your boss has you frantically trying to make a reservation. (Seems all the restaurants are booked up huh, Goofus?)





  1. !!!!!!!!!!! 🙂

  2. Hmmm. Guilty of more thn one of those, and no; I xwon’t tell you which one(s)

    1. Not going to ask either. Thanks, Keith. 🙂

  3. Gwen Plano · ·

    What a great meme! There are just too many distractions when simmering. LOL… I love trying new recipes and always tell my guests – so we know whom to blame or congratulate. 🙂

    1. Great idea. “Sorry you didn’t like this. Call Rachel Ray.” 😀

  4. Good list, John. After hearing about Tiny’s brother-in-law I’d label that family extremely dysfunctional. It’s a miracle the man’s lived this long. I can now see why he wasn’t smart enough to avoid marrying Tiny’s sister. I loved the meme. I never heard a tweeting smoke detector. My dad’s was so loud it scared my son when he was little. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Our detectors are never happy. They love to let us know a battery needs attention at 3:00 am. Why not 3:00 pm is anybody guess. Thanks, Suzanne. 🙂

  5. Great list!! But the image you have up top sings my song!!

    1. Mine too. I have to keep a fan handy when I pull things out of the oven. Thanks, GP.

  6. LOL! This was great, John. I especially loved #7! Happy Monday!

    1. Thanks, Jill. Happy Monday (HUH? oxymoron?) to you too! 😀

  7. I have to disagree with #7, but I use bourbon and brandy more than wine. Really wish some people around here didn’t keep doing #10. It’s like they think smoke is the sign that the food is done.

    1. Ha ha ha. Great comment. 😀

  8. I’ve done the pan in the oven thing. For some reason, it seems the handle shouldn’t get hot. I might have to disagree with number 7 – “one for the pot, one for me” has always worked, but I don’t cook a lot and even less with wine. About those Jack Daniel’s ribs…

    Great list John

    1. Yes, Jack Daniels ribs, sweet corn, potato salad, and watermelon. Yum.

  9. Yippee! I’m not guilty of any of these, John! I don’t cook! Great list to keep in mind in case I ever do the unthinkable and try to cook for myself.

    1. Yes, should you try. 😀

      1. Suicide is against my religion.

      2. Ha ha ha. 😀

  10. Entertaining in all the wrong ways! 😉

    1. Of course, it is. Thanks, Jan. 🙂

  11. Ha ha! Justin Wilson was the master at #7. 🙂 Thanks for the morning laugh, John!

    1. Thanks for the visit, Jan. 😀

  12. If you are cooking, do not think for every cup of wine in the recipe you need to drink a like amount.

    Agreed. One to one is a bad ratio. I drink two glasses for each one the recipe calls for.

    1. There you go. Who cares how it comes out after that regimen. Thanks, Greg.

  13. I’m embarrassed to say how many of these describe me.

    1. Ha ha ha. You are in good company.

  14. I’ve done many of these myself, and may have a cast iron brand on more than a few fingers. Nothing irritates me more than a chirping smoke detector. I hate those things.

    1. Chirps usually in the middle of the night. Thanks, Craig

  15. Love your comic and your list today! I’ve heard of elderly ladies violating #10 … and their kids promptly shuttling them off to a nursing home. Seems like a worthy trade, if they really were tired of cooking in the first place.

    1. It does sound like a good trade. thanks, Debbie. 🙂

  16. #7 is a temptation but I could never drink up to Julia Child’s standards. Your wife is lucky that you love to cook! I am impressed! Cheers!

    1. I couldn’t do it either Jo. Thanks. (Yes she is)

  17. I like to cook, but don’t like the clean up afterwards. 🙂

    I’ve been distracted while having something simmering and ended up with scorched too many times to count. 😦

    I think it’s wonderful that you like to cook. Do you have a house rule that if one cooks the other cleans up? I’d cook more if I had thought to make that a house rule when He-Man I set up house decades ago. It’s far too late now I’m afraid. 😦

    1. No. I do it all. Of course I’m so much faster on the clean up.

  18. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    Another great top ten list from John Howell’s blog.

    1. Thank you, Don 🙂

  19. I wholeheartedly disagree with #7. Smiles..
    Completely agree with #2.

    1. I’m with you . 🙂

  20. 😂 I can relate to many of your points because I am not naturally a chef! Too funny.

    1. I always say if you can read you can cook. Thanks, Ipuna

      1. Ha ha. It’s true, but I enjoy reading books. Coooking- not so much. 😀

  21. This is great, John. You may have noticed that I like to cook and bake a little and this post completely tickled me pink.

    1. Yes, I have noticed.

  22. Oh my gosh! This cracked me up! Not that I can relate to any of these 😉 #10 made me think of this clip immediately! Cracks me up every time I see it!

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