Top Ten Things Not to Do With a Smartphone

Top Ten things Not to Do

 

10 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to send a breakup message. If you do, at best the message will fail to deliver. At worst, your message will be received just after the recipient has paid a no return deposit on the condo you were to share.  (Talk about awkward, Idiot.)

9 If you have a smartphone, do not use it to video record those embarrassing family moments. If you do, at best you will be convinced to trash the video. At worst, your clip is now on YouTube, and there are a million likes. (Yes, your family is well-known for its stupidity. Too bad they can’t show their face in public, Putz)

8 If you have a smartphone, do not think you must reach the last level of Candy Crush. If you do, at best your phone will quit working. At worst, you will still be working to achieve the level even as your family has finally given up all contact. (Can you say obsessed, Bert?)

7 If you have a smartphone, do not think anyone wants to see your pictures. If you do, at best you may find a hapless victim who feigns interest. At worst, most of the people you show your treasures are sound asleep at the end. (Of course, they are now a captive audience huh, Buford?)

6 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can take pictures without permission. If you do, at best you may be told to stop doing so. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ who you just photographed, just confessed to his therapy group how camera-shy he has become as a result of being more open in the discussions. (You are very right to begin running, Buster. I think Tiny is gaining on you, though.)

5 If you have a smartphone, do not ask the robot assistant a question in public. If you do, at best you won’t be understood. At worst, your question was so inane that now everyone realizes you are an idiot. (“What is the temperature today?” was a real crowd pleaser, Goober. Go sit down and be quiet.)

4 If you have a smartphone, do not think you can watch a video and walk at the same time. If you do, at best a few bumps by passersby will convince you to stop. At worst, being airborne as a result of walking into a taxi will give you time to think about next time. (You must now prepare for the second collision with the ground, Tex. Here’s hoping there is a next time.)

3 If you have a smartphone, do not take any selfies you wouldn’t want your mother to see. If you do, at best she’ll never see them. At worst, those little photos you made for your friend’s eyes only are now featured on the Snapchat gross photo of the week. (And you thought the cloud was an iron-clad secure place huh, Dufus?)

2 If you have a smartphone, do not be afraid of that ringing sound. If you are, at best you can stop it by answering with a “hello.” At worst, the distraction of the ringing causes you to take extraordinary measures that finally silence the ringing. (You did know that water is harmful to a smartphone right, Bucky? And BTW smartphones were initially designed for phone calls. That’s what all that ringing was about.)

1 If you have a smartphone, do not operate any other machinery while using it.If you do, at best you will get one chance with no consequences. At worst, you may hurt yourself and others especially if you are driving a car. (But you know all this right, Bunion?)

52 comments

  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    Great list, John. I couldn’t help but laugh at #7. As for #3, it should be in bold for nut cases like Weiner. 🙂

    1. I have a tough time believing that a fool like Weiner doesn’t do his thing on purpose. Sick unit there. Thanks, Gwen. 😀 Glad I made you laugh.

  2. Great advice, John. I recently saw a woman on the news pull a #4. Since I have a flip phone, I don’t have to worry about any of these. 🙂 Love the meme!

    1. Every tine I see someone walking and looking at their phone I’m hoping for an open manhole cover. (yes I’m bad.) 😀 Thanks, Jill

      1. You know what…I’m hoping too! 🙂

      2. We are evil. 😀

  3. #2 makes me think of people who never use their phone as a phone. You call them and they get confused because it isn’t a text. Wonder what Alexander Graham Bell would think about this.

    1. I think he would say, “Watson answer the damn phone.” 😀

      1. Always forget about Watson.

  4. All of these are spot-on, John! I bet you made this list out of what you’ve actually seen. I know I’ve seen each one of these things-not-to-do. 😬

    1. Thanks, Marie. Yes pretty much. I was actually hit from behind by a guy on his cell, drinking coffee, and reading a newspaper. 😀 (The coffee was all over his windshield)

  5. There’s a lot of truth with a good dose of humor here, John.

    1. Thank you, Michelle. 🙂

  6. I see so many of these rules being broken every day, John, especially that last one (it’s only been the law for 10 yeas). I think you should have a line of “Tiny is gaining on you!” Tee shirts.

    1. Or “Don’t look back Tiny may be gaining on you.” Thanks, Dan

      1. He’s got momentum

  7. While these are all “truths” in typical John Howell fashion, you made them humorous! 🙂

    1. Thank you, Jan. Truth? I can’t handle the truth. 😀

  8. And, duh, don’t use it to take selfies of you committing a crime.

    1. Ha ha ha. “Here I am in the bank. Notice how scared the teller looks?”

  9. I love #2 because it’s probably true that so few of us actually use our phones for TALKING.
    Fun list, John. My husband says I suffer separation anxiety when I don’t have my phone with me.

    1. Me too. I have Fear of Missing Out. 😀

  10. Excellent list, John! Imagine… using your smartphone to take a call! What will they think of next?

    1. Wait. They take calls?????

      1. Shhhhh!! Top Secret! Ears Only!

  11. Good list. Smart phone doesn’t mean smart user. Maybe there ought to be a test involved before you can buy one.

    1. I agree. “Here read this. DO NOT TEXT AND DRIVE. Now answer the question, “What should you not do?” “Get your phone wet.” FAIL

      1. Maybe there could be a help desk that identifies these people and tells them to run it through the dishwasher.

  12. Good morning, John.
    As to #4: it’s not that people use it while walking what scares me, it’s that – according to a recent polls – 13% of drivers watch videos on it while driving!
    And on a lighter note: you forgot to add “don’t drop it into the toilet bowl”. 😉 That happened to me once. Not because I was using the toilet and the phone at the same time, though. 😉 It just came off my belt when I got up.And thus I disvovered that there no “toilet-bowl-resistant? smartphones yet. 😉
    Have a great day,
    Pit

    1. Yup. Water (no matter the source) wipes them out.

  13. Way too much of #4 and #1 going on if you ask me – I’ve had a lot of near misses from these guys.

    1. I know right? Thanks, Teri.

  14. I just got a basic phone, John, so I’m good.
    But I read this post on that phone, so its been worth every penny.

  15. I will certainly try to keep these in mind as I have not had my smart phone very long and don’t want to embarrass myself!

    1. You could never do that, Jo.

  16. Reblogged this on Room With Books and commented:
    And you thought you knew everything to know about smartphones!

    1. Thank you for the reblog, Patricia. Looks swell. 🙂

  17. My pictures have been know to put many to sleep. Smiles. Nice list

  18. 😂​See what I mean, John! Humor brings happiness!

    1. Yes I do. Thanks, Ipuna.

    1. Thank you so much, Robbie.

    1. Thank you, Don.

  19. Good list, John. If Tiny catches him he won’t have to worry about his smartphone anymore, or his legs, arms, etc. I love the cartoon at the top. It appears the grim reaper is trying to get in the picture. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I think so Suzanne. I wonder how many selfies he has been in. 😀

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