Top Ten Things Not to Do on an Overseas Flight

Top Ten Thing Not to Do

 

The inspiration for this post is the fact that I am held captive on a flight to the UK. The beautiful part is I will have landed by the time it is published.

10 If you are on an overseas flight, do not wander up and down the aisles like a zombie. If you at best, everyone will be able to sleep through your wandering. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ, who just graduated from Marvel’s Zombie Hunters School (With honors)  will use you as a practice dummy.(Notice how easy your arm comes off, Dope.)

9 If you are on an overseas flight, do not remove your shoes if you have foot problems. If you do, at best your neighbors will think the in-flight meal is mac and cheese. At worst, the captain will be forced to land due to a perceived threat of poisoned gas attack. (Those Marshalls look a little upset, Dudley.)

8 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think alcohol will help you cope with boredom.  If you do, at best you will pass out. At worst, you might end up in chains after trying to start a karaoke competition in First Class. (Those rich folk have no sense of humor do they, Bunkey?)

7 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are in a five-star restaurant. If you do, at best you will learn your mistake quickly on the first bite. At worst, you will get a visit from a grumpy crew member the first time you attempt to send the entrée back for “additional finishing.” (My goodness these people are sensitive about constructive criticism aren’t they, Buford.)

6 If you are on an overseas flight, do not try to make conversation with your seatmate if they are not interested. If you do, at best it is hoped you get the hint. At worst, your seat mate will finally get tired of your interference and call the crew for relief. (You are talking fast, Tex but I don’t think these guys believe you will mind your manners. Those handcuffs they are pulling out sure look uncomfortable.)

5 If you are on an overseas flight, do not over study the emergency procedures card in the seat back pocket in front of you. If you do, at best your neighbors won’t think anything of it. At worst, you will raise suspicions that you are going to do something funny during the flight. (Do you wonder why that big guy exchanged seats with your seatmate, Doofus? I wouldn’t make any sudden moves right now.)

4 If you are on an overseas flight, remember that you can’t hear how loud you speak with your earphones on. If you forget, at best,  those around you are wearing earphones as well. At worst, you will continually wake up those around you until one decides to take your earphones. (He the biggest guy you’ve ever seen huh, Brad? Just let the earphones go.)

3 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell your seatmate the ending of the movie that you have already seen. If you do, at best the seatmate wanted to nap anyway. At worst, you have no made an enemy of someone you will be sitting with for the next eight hours. (Don’t close your eyes, Buster. No telling what they will do.)

2 If you are on an overseas flight, do not think you are the only passenger on the plane. If you do, at best you will be set straight sooner rather than later. At worst you will have alienated enough people to get you self a deluxe seat in the hold. (Pretty cold down here huh, Putz?)

1 If you are on an overseas flight, do not tell anyone you are an author. If you do, at best you’ll be ignored. At worst, you will have to sit through an eight-hour description of the story that your seatmate is sure will make a great book. (There is a simple answer to the question, “What do you do?” Just say you are a professional car thief, Pal.)

 

60 comments

  1. I had a feeling this would be your topic, John! LOL! These were hilarious! “Do not remove your shoes if you have foot problems. If you do, at best your neighbors will think the in-flight meal is mac and cheese.” Yikes!

  2. I shall bear these things in mind for my 13-hour non-stop flight to Delhi after Christmas.

  3. Gwen Plano · ·

    OMG, as only an experienced traveler could share! LOL! I hope you and yours have safely arrived at your hotel and are resting a bit before setting out to discover beautiful Scotland. 🙂

    1. Thank you , Gwen. 😀

  4. #9 was both disgusting and great. I keep thinking of a long train trip from college where I broke rule #1. It really should be a rule when you’re in an enclosed space. 6 hours of being told about a story, but more a movie idea and being told to write it down. Every other sentence was about who would play a character and I couldn’t get to my notebook or this guy would have expected me to sully it with his horrible idea. He was another student, so it wasn’t like I’d never see him again too. Horrifying experience.

    1. Thanks, Charles. Ha ha ha. I feel for you. Thanks for sharing

      1. You’re welcome. Did you leave already?

      2. How was the flight?

      3. Other than a six hour delay it was fine.

      4. Ouch. Those are the worst.

  5. Ha! John, you absolutely slayed me with #9 about the feet. I’m glad to know that Tiny came along for the flight. I think he secretly looks after you. 😉
    I hope it was a lovely landing and that all went smoothly, airport to hotel. Hugs.

    1. Was a mess for sure. Got here six hours late but the flights were all lovely. Bag didn’t make it.

      1. Ugh! If I enjoyed shopping, I’d say that at least it’s an excuse to shop… But I know you don’t like it any better than I do. Not an auspicious start, so it’s bound to get better. I’m sorry. Great big hug.

      2. It is getting better. Thanks, Teagan

  6. Say you are a professional car thief! Why didn’t I think of that! I’d love to see someone’s face if I tried that out.

    1. Would be a hoot.

  7. And which of those come from your own experience, John? 😉
    I hope that meanwhile you have landed safely,
    Pit

    1. Guess what. My flight out of Houston was delayed so I had to jump on a Lufthansa flight to Frankfort. It was a 380 airbus (double decker) Was nice to breath the air of Germany again. The weather was beautiful (20 Degrees C) Frankfort to Edinburgh by Lufthansa as well. Beautiful flights. Arrived six hours later than original flights.

      1. Isn’t the A380 a machine?! I usually fly LH Houston-Frankfurt. It’s the most convenient for me, especially as the price includes the train ticket [that superfast ICE] from Frankfurt to Bonn.
        Glad you enjoyed the German air, even if it was for a short while and on the airport only. Am also glad you wrrived safely in Edinburgh. Enjoy! It’s a beautiful city.
        Btw, I once had enough bonus miles for an upgrade to Business Class on that A380. That was quite an experience.

  8. Soooo glad I’m not going long haul again for the forseeable! Thanks for the Monday laugh-a-thon John! 😀

  9. Lol! Funny stuff! Enjoy your trip!

  10. I have never been on an overseas flight but am now prepared should the situation ever arise.
    Positively loved #1
    Safe travels, John.

    1. Yes you re. Thank you, Mae

  11. #6 – yes! Can’t tell you how many times I’m reading a book and someone wants to tell me all kinds of personal details about themselves. Just happened again at the dentist a couple of weeks ago.

    1. You look like a sympathetic person. ;-D

      1. Maybe it would help if I growled or hissed.

  12. Probably also not a good idea to tell people who ask your occupation, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” I usually tell them I’m a porn star…

    1. I ove that , John. 😀

  13. Great post today, John. I take my hat off to you enduring that long transatlantic flight. I start getting seriously antsy after 4 hours – and I pray that Tiny is not aboard!

    1. Thank you, John. Tis trip took over 16 hours.

      1. My goodness – methinks I’ll stay home!

      2. Yeah. me too. Wait I have to do it all over again just to get home.

  14. Those overseas flights can be killer John! All great points & one to add. If you are someone who needs to use the washroom a lot, pick an aisle seat!

  15. Haha, excellent, John. It is best not to mention that you are a chartered accountant either. You get an eight hour description of peoples tax problems

    1. Qh, I can just imagine, Robbie.

  16. Held captive?
    Is this a “Die Hard On a Plane” scenario, John?
    I smell your next book percolating….

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Hook

  17. “your neighbors will think the in-flight meal is mac and cheese…” I love it, John. Please repeat number 6 as many times as possible, and, if you don’t mind, extend it to domestic flights. Great post – good luck on the return flight. Regards to Tiny.

    1. Thanks Dan. I will give Tiny your best.

  18. Your list brings back the overseas flight Domer and I took once upon a time. We *thought* we were going to get some sleep and get ahead of the jet lag — HA! Nobody else planned on napping, not even a little. Hope your flight was safe and more enjoyable, John!

    1. a delay for six hours but otherwise fine.

  19. If #9 isn’t feet, it’s someone’s garlic-slathered meal they grabbed the two seconds before they had to catch the plane. And then, of course, they don’t carry breath mints…Safe travels John!

    1. Thank you , Phil

  20. Reblogged this on Don Massenzio's Blog and commented:
    Here is another great top ten list from John Howell. This one is around what not to do on an overseas flight.

  21. If you are on an overseas flight, hope you aren’t the last person having the dinner choice between lasagna and cold fish head. Have a good trip!

  22. It sounded as if Tiny was traveling with a couple family members–the guy who exchanged seats with the seatmate and the one who took his headset away. They sound like a family of wrestlers. It’s a wonder the plane got off the ground. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. I know right? Thanks, Suzanne.

  23. Ha ha. #1 is the best! Travel safely!

    1. Thank you, Ipuna

  24. I’d have to add that if you’re lucky enough to have been upgraded to business class, don’t try changing into the nightwear they give you, in the toilet. At best, everyone will be asleep when you come out. At worse, you will trip over the extra long legs of the bottoms and, for a few moments, all eyes will be on you. 👀
    Hope you had a good flight, John.

    1. Thank you, Hugh. Got to Edinburgh six hours late but the flight was nice. (Flight was cancelled and had to jump on another airline.

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