Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

~ John W. Howell

 

Top Ten

The inspiration for this list was my return from a ten-day trip. Just in case you wonder I am entirely innocent of any of these incidents. Hope you enjoy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip

10 If you are returning from a long trip, do not forget where you parked your car. If you do, at best security will help you find it. At worst, you’ll have to catch a cab home convincing your family that you need a physical intervention. (That brain MRI was a pleasant experience right, Bosco?)

9 If you are returning from a long trip, do not argue with the parking attendant about the price of parking. If you do, at best he will call the police. At worst, the attendant is Tiny the WWF champ who is working nights to pay his fine for the last criminal assault charge.(Looks like you had better use your feet to avoid this one, Buford.)

8 If you are returning from a long trip, do not arrive in the middle of the night and expect a warm welcome. If you do, at best you will be disappointed. At worst, your pit bull who is especially protective will confuse you with an intruder. (Good thing you have that tall tree in the front yard huh, Putz?)

7 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think the hotel shampoo and conditioner bottles count as souvenirs. If you do, at best the only one talking to you right now is you. At worst, you’ll have to find an alternate sleeping arrangement. (That couch is as lumpy as you thought isn’t it, Buster?)

6 If you are returning from a long trip, do not dump your laundry on the floor and declare, “No rush.” If you do, at best the pile will stay there forever. At worst, you may wonder why the Goodwill receipt is on your bureau. (On the plus side you can deduct the donation, Ferd.)

5 If you are returning from a long trip, do not make comments at dinner about how good the food was on the trip. If you do, at best you will be eating out for weeks. At worst, you will be invited to prepare the meals according to your taste. (That includes menu and shopping, Bunky.)

4 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone you meet wants to hear about your experiences. If you do, at best people will avoid you. At worst, you will have to listen to the experiences of others. (It really gets to you when their trip sounds better than yours doesn’t it, Tex?)

3 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think everyone wants to hear you speak in the language of the place visited. If you do, at best most will believe that you are affected. At worst, you will meet someone fluent in the language, and you’ll be stumped. (A little hard to keep up after hello don’t you think, Pard?)

2 If you are returning from a long trip, don’t keep saying,”It’s good to be home.” If you do, at best people will think you had a lousy time. At worst, most will wonder why you left in the first place. (Of course, they may also see through your desire to answer the question, “Where have you been? Leroy.)

1 If you are returning from a long trip, do not think you won’t have to resume helping out around the house. If you do, at best you will get a gentle reminder. At worst, you may find your suitcase repacked and ready for another trip. (That one-way ticket is sobering don’t you think, Cousin?)

48 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do Returning From a Long Trip”

  1. Anyone who argues with Tiny must have stopped by the duty-free shop on the way to parking and consumed a whole bottle. Unfortunately, in that condition, it’s hard to run. Good list, John. 🙂 — Suzanne

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  4. Brilliant, dear John! True summer notes to remember. I guess you should publish a guide with your ‘things not to do’…for they are the best recommendations in life. 🙂

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  7. I might print this out and lesvf it on a fee desks, John. It’s a great list. When I flew from Boston, I didn’t realize the parking lot distance from the departure terminal and the arrival terminal. I remembered where I parked, I just wasn’t sure how to get there.

    I don’t know when you got home but I’m sure Lucy and Baily were happy to see you…until you took their bed.

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  8. Wiggle dance! I love it! Hope you got it on film. Another great list – well done, good sir!

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  14. Nice compilation, John. Glad you had a wonderful trip — I’m still amazed you were able to keep posting to your blog the entire time you were away!

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  15. Hah, some good ones for sure, John. I know it takes some used to being home again, but now you are home with some new good memories.

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  17. Made me laugh… Loved the cartoon. I don’t think we are too far off from paying for the oxygen:)

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  20. Welcome back! I’ve been out with computer woes the last several days, but just caught up with the pics too. Lovely place, Scotland. I hope to visit someday 🙂
    Glad to have you back and thanks for the humor. Loved these as always!

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  21. Brilliant John. 6 and 5 had been really laughing. My husband is currently in Kenya and will be back late on Saturday evening. All I can think about is the huge pile of washing he will bring back with him [smile].

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