Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee

~ John W. Howell

Coffee

 

The inspiration for this list came from the various and sundry things that needed to be done to begin to get back to normal after Hurricane Harvey. I haven’t done any of these, but it was fun pretending and I would certainly have some coffee before trying.

10 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with a FEMA representative. If you do, at best you’ll have to excuse your behavior. At worst, the US marshalls will call in reinforcements to help extricate you from the room. (Who would have thought that raising your voice would have caused that reaction, Baltazar?)

9 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not call your cable provider to request service. If you do, at best you’ll be on hold for an hour. At worst you’ll get to talk to Tiny the WWF champ who just got released from his sociopath support group. (The two of you are having an excellent debate. Why is it he keeps wanting to know where you live, Banjo?)

8 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not take your car in for service. If you do, at best they will honor your appointment time. At worst, you’ll sit in the lounge for an hour trying to avoid being stepped on by two hyperactive toddlers. (They have already apologized for the fact the coffee machine is out-of-order. You might as well try to relax and for heaven’s sake quit thinking about that letter you plan to write to the CEO of the service company, Barnaby.)

7 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the license bureau to renew your driver’s license. If you do, at best you’ll get a low number for service. At worst, you have pulled number 208, and they are now serving number four. (The drive through at McDonald’s wait now looks like a breeze compared to this huh, Beaudoin?)

6 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not visit the bank to ask for a loan. If you do, at best it is a bank holiday. At worst, you will finally admit that you really need the money and will, therefore, be denied the loan. Too bad your decaf state caused you to forget the rule about “those who have gets,” Bellamy.)

5 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not meet with your boss to talk about your career. If you do, at best your boss caught the flu and is out sick today. At worst, your discussion could have taken a nasty turn when your boss suggested you need some additional training. (If you had some caffeine, Benjamin maybe you would not have pounded on the bosses desk causing security to escort you to the parking lot. Tomorrow ought to be interesting.)

4 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to complete that delicate experiment with the new product at work. If you do, at best you’ll come to your senses. At worst, you are now in a position of being responsible for a complete redo. (You were sure your shaking hands would not be a factor right, Bennet?)

3 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to write that breakthrough chapter on your book. If you do, at best you and the keyboard will have a staring contest. At worst, you will forge ahead and write what you think is the best stuff you have ever done. (Really tough to file 13 all those words isn’t it Bodee?)

2 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not read that last two-star review. If you do, at best you’ll be diverted by a natural disaster. At worst, even though some of the points may be well taken, you vow out loud to hunt the person down and hit them with a poison dart. (Sure it’s the lack of caffeine talking, but you are scaring the kids, Braddock.)

1 If you’ve not had your coffee, do not try to create that meaningful post that you hope everyone will love. If you do, at best, the typos will kill you. At worst, only after you have posted and read what you have written do you see the similarity to the Unibomber manifesto. (Good luck getting that one canceled off all the social media sites, Brayden.)

73 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do Before You’ve Had Your Coffee”

  6. Top-Ten, but oh so many follow this, John. I’ve done #8. I took my car in for service, left my full cup of coffee in the cup holder. Was denied access to my car to retrieve it and the coffee in the lounge was still from yesterday. An ugly scene was avoided by a service manager who understood. Good thing it was Tiny’s day off.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I never know what to think when I read the top-ten and realize I’ve done that. I think the worst case was when I had done three of that (I think that involved what not to do with a spouse)

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Anyone naive enough to give Tiny their name and address also needs a support group. Without coffee, you’re liable to take your car into a shop that holds it for ransom until you pay what they bill you. Didn’t you notice the owner’s name was Don Corleone? Good ten things, John. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Ah, #1! I’ve been guilty of that. 🙂 Actually, your post reminded me I hadn’t had my coffee yet this morning, so it is now in my hands and all is well with the world. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I’m not a coffee drinker, but I LOVE #3. My computer and I have have had that staring contest more times than I can count — and not even coffee would shorten that struggle!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I’m pretty sure I’ve ran into Tiny on the phone a couple of times! For me it’s tea- and I try to keep the poison darts hidden until the afternoon:)

    Liked by 1 person

  20. For me, that “old coffee nose”, there’s only one advice: do (absolutely) nothing before your first mug of coffee. Well, except for brewing it, that is. 😉
    Have a great week,
    Pit

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Well, I try not to do anything without coffee but sometimes I get on my laptop before I have had enough and it never works out! Too funny! With Harvey’s visit I had to go almost three days without coffee before a neighbor brought one over to share with Husband.

    Liked by 1 person

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