Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Halloween Costume.

Ten things not to do in your Halloween costume

 

The inspiration for this list was seeing a guy out in public in a Halloween costume. It struck me that he was unaware of the stares and reaction of those around him. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go into the bank to make a withdrawal. If you do, at best some will stare. At worst the teller will not look at your withdrawal slip but assume you are holding up the bank. (That zombie makeup had her rattled, Donald. Too bad the SWAT team had no sense of humor.)

9 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you have the same powers as the superhero you are dressed to be. If you do, at best you’ll hurt yourself. At worst you will think you can take on Tiny the WWF champ who is in step two of his anger management treatment. (Look like that cape is not going to save you, Dorian. I would just go limp, and maybe Tiny will think you are dead.)

8 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go shopping at the grocery store. If you do, at best you will have the aisles to yourself. At worst, the store manager will insist that you leave since most of his employees have locked themselves in the lounge and refused to come out. (It could be that the hatchet embedded in your skull looks too real, Dex.)

7 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the fast food drive-through. If you do, at best you may be wearing a chocolate milkshake. At worst, the panicked employee will call 911 and drop your food outside the window. (The police are understanding, but you still have no food, Dante.)

6 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not think you can attend the Saturday night church service. If you do, at best you’ll have a pew all to yourself. At worst, the minister will continually point in your direction when he comes to the phrase, “Devil worship.” ( You didn’t realize Halloween is not a big thing in your church huh, Dacey?)

5 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not keep your doctor’s appointment. If you do, at best you will empty the waiting room. At worst, your doctor will assume you have had a massive mental breakdown and will call the county home for a pickup. (The clown  makeup and white straight jacket is quite a look, Dagwood.)

4 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not drive on the freeway. If you do, at best you’ll get some weird looks. At worst you will shock the fragile person in the vehicle next to you, and they will turn into your car as a defensive move. (The cop insists it’s your fault for scaring the wimp next to you, Dalbert.)

3 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go next door to borrow a cup of sugar. If you do, at best you won’t get the sugar. At worst, your NRA member next door neighbor will not recognize you and will only quit shooting when you dive into your house. (What would have happened if your neighbor was a good shot, Damek?)

2 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not exceed the speed limit. If you do, at best you’ll get home without incident. At worst, you’ll be pulled over and after all is said and done, lying on the street with your hands cuffed behind your back. (Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress as Pretty Boy Floyd after all. Although you have to admit that Tommy gun sure looked real, Dareau.)

1 If you are in your Halloween costume, do not go through the TSA security screen at the airport. If you do, at best you will be denied boarding. At worst, the private search that turned up the sword, flintlock pistols, and the grog will be enough to charge you with terrorism. (The pirate idea sounded good at home, Dartagnan. In the airport? Not so much.)

50 comments

  1. Gwen Plano · ·

    I’ve always been leery of the full-sized treaters at my front door. The tiny superheroes and ghosts, princes and angels are always welcome. I’m ready. I have my bags of candy and now with your list, I have all kinds of ideas for managing adult trickery. LOL. Well done, John.

    1. Thank you, Gwen. We don’t get any trick or treaters at all. I think our neighborhood is too far away and too old.

  2. Great list, John! I loved number nine…LOL! Happy Monday!

    1. Glad you did, Jill. 😀

  3. I’m starting to see Halloween costumes in public, but not the monster types. More the kind that are done for show instead of fear. Only thing making it weird is when I see a person in full witch regalia walking by a Christmas display.

  4. These are great, John. I’m sure many people will be “detained” by authorities for breaking one or more of these.

    1. Detained is such a good word. Thanks, Dan

  5. Great list, John. I love the little ones who come to my door – they are so excited!! I remember that as a small child. Once the little ones are off the street, I close up before the idiot high schoolers, etc. show up. “Get a job and buy your own candy!” I’m soooo baaaad!

    1. You old fernschwiger.

      1. Is that a Texas thang?

      2. I made up a word which means old codger yelling at teens to get a job.

  6. If Tiny got upset you probably wouldn’t need to play dead for long. At the very least you’d end up in the ICU. I can just see the eruption at the airport if you showed up with weapons and grog. You’d have to call someone to explain you’d be home in a couple days or more. Good list, John. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Might even be a couple of years. thanks, Suzanne.

  7. Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    John’s top ten don’t list for Halloween.

    1. Thank you for the reblog, Suzanne.

  8. These are great, John, and good for smiles. My son recently shared a story from a few days ago though that wasn’t all smiles. He was in his car, leaving for campus (college), and in the mirror stood a guy with a scary clown costume on. The “clown” then tilted his head to one side, get the picture? My son doesn’t scare easily, but it did creep him out for a few seconds. He was in a hurry, though, so he backed out and ignored the guy. Fortunately, that was all to the story, but even my son felt it was a sick thing to do, to scare people, especially nowadays.That’s not only scary; it’s psychological. Tis the season, I guess, and we’re glad our son was safe. So, Happy Halloween, and stay safe. :)🎃

    1. Clowns are terrifying. That tilt of the head would have done it for me. Thanks for sharing. (I think) Ha ha ha.

      1. I know; I feel the same way. 🙂

  9. Fair warning, John. I have to add an 11th, which I gave to my son when he was little – do NOT pee in your Halloween costume.

    1. Yes. It is only warm for a few minutes. Thanks, Noelle.

  10. Great list, John. I like the grocery store, bank and speeding ones best. Pretty Boy Floyd!! Ha Ha!! Thanks for a Monday chuckle.

    1. You are welcome, Jan. Fun to write too.

  11. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    So many scenarios I never would have thought of. Going to Church had me laughing hard. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh!

  12. Hilarious, John! Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

    1. Thank you, Natalie

  13. Great, timely list, John. Happy Halloween!

  14. Good morning, John,
    As to #1: I don’t think one would even get INTO the airport in a Halloween costume.
    Have a wonderful week,
    Pit

    1. Maybe not. Fun trying though.

      1. Well, that might end up in “Detainoween”. 😀

  15. Hehe #9 reminds me of when my Dad dressed up as a Power Ranger for my brother’s birthday party, he was Bob the Builder the year before pretty unremarkable just a friendly photo, but a real-life power ranger was just there for the kicking for 25 little boys.

  16. #4 could cause some wrecks for sure. I have seen a few of those myself!

    1. Me too. Thanks, Jo.

  17. Loving the list! I’m excited this year, as it’s the first time my five-year-old grandson will be celebrating Halloween. His glow-in-the-dark skeleton costume looks so damned cute. Just as well he’s too young to go to the bank.

    1. Ha ha ha. Yes a glow in the dark skeleton might not be the best bank wear.

  18. Another terrific Top Ten, John. Nearly spilled my morning coffee laughing. 😂

    1. Watch that keyboard. Thanks, Jennie.

      1. Ha ha ha! I will, John. 🙂

  19. Phew! Thank goodness there’s nothing in there about dressing up your pets for Halloween, John.
    Happy Halloween. I hope you got plenty of spare chocolate ready. I’ll be turning off all the lights, playing scary sounds, and posting chocolate through the letterbox at them. 🎃

    1. Ha ha ha. I’ll bet you will be right out there handing out candy.

    1. Thank you for the reblog, Don

      1. You’re welcome

  20. Fun list John! Although with some of the ensembles, make-up, hair-dos, and piercing that people do to themselves these days I think there’s a large of group of people who wouldn’t bat an eye at seeing someone at the bank, grocery store etc.

    I would, but some might not.

    We only had one teenager last night, and no adults trick or treating thankfully. Maybe they’re doing what we did at that age finally and having parties of their own.

    1. Yes. Maybe. Or taking the radio out of someones car.

  21. Brilliant, John. Good to see Tiny here too.

    1. Yes, Tiny only got one week off. Thank you, Robbie. 🙂

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