Top Ten Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving

~ John W. Howell

Thanksgiving

The inspiration for this list is the fact that this week is Thanksgiving here in the US. There have been a number of Thanksgiving situations which I personally witnessed, and I thought it would be fun to capture them and provide ample warning for your occasion this year. If you have ever done any of these things, it might be a nice change to sit back and let others have center stage this year.

10 On Thanksgiving, do not try to prepare the perfect Turkey. If you do, at best you’ll have reason to dry. At worst, not only is this year’s turkey not perfect, it is the worst one ever. (Nothing like eating what resembles dry balsa wood huh, Chandler?)

9 On Thanksgiving, do not invite your cousin Tiny the WWF wrestling champ to your house for dinner. If you do, at best you’ll possibly get by with only a broken dining room chair. At worst, Tiny and your uncle Jim will continue the feud begun last year’s Thanksgiving dinner. (Who is going to clean up what looks like a movie bar fight scene in your living room, Cohen? Not to mention reviving Aunt Helen.)

8 On Thanksgiving, do not try out that experimental stuffing recipe on the family. If you do, at best you’ll have plenty left over. At worst, the family will feel cheated out of a traditional dinner. (Who started the food fight is not a question that needs an answer right now, Canyon. It is probably more important to get that stuff off the walls before it hardens.)

7 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can deep-fry your Turkey in the kitchen. If you do, at best your place will smell like an oil derrick for a month. At worst, the fire department will declare what’s left of your house and lot a hazardous waste site.(Who is going to cover the EPA bill for clean-up, Channing?)

6 On Thanksgiving, do not think it is a good idea to start serving mimosas at eleven o’clock. If you do, at best you’ll run out of Champaign before everyone is blitzed. At worse all your guests have lost interest in the dinner and are out in the yard trying to work off the Champaign with touch football. (Don’t worry, Cortez. Sooner or later they will be back for the leftovers.)

5 On Thanksgiving, do not try some unnatural seating configuration thinking it will liven the conversation. If you do, at best you won’t seat sworn enemies next to each other. At worst, since you now have strangers all having to talk to strangers the sound of crickets is deafening.(That magazine suggestion doesn’t seem all that good right now does it, Cord?)

4 On Thanksgiving, do not think everyone in the world would enjoy a tofu turkey. If you do, at best the polite ones will give it a try. At worst, you will wonder why all your guests are on the phone ordering Dominoes delivery. (The fact that you were looking out for everyone’s health doesn’t seem worthwhile now, Cable.)

3 On Thanksgiving, do not think because you hate pumpkin pie, everyone else does as well. If you do, at best your banana creme will be well received. At worst, the traditionalists will find an excuse to leave early so they can pick up a frozen Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pie. (Hare to believe you only have one guest remaining isn’t it, Cacey?)

2 On Thanksgiving, do not think sharing leftovers is not expected. If you do, at best you’ll get some strange looks as people leave. At worst, your loudest relative will ask out loud, What? No leftovers to take home? (Maybe you should have put together some to go containers, Cadell. Well there is always next year if any return.)

1 On Thanksgiving, do not think you can turn off the football game. If you do, at best you’ll have some complaints. At worst, you will discover most of the guests in your bedroom watching the game anyway. (It is shocking that people want to watch a game even if it is the two worst teams playing. Right, Cadell?)

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

88 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on Thanksgiving”

  2. I’ve been ducking and dodging for the last week. All to no avail. Yesterday I got cornered by one of the denizens here at the marina. When asked what I was doing for Thanksgiving, my eyes darted left and right. Then I shighed. There was no escape.
    “Why, nothing,” I said with a phony smile upon my face.”
    “Good, then you’re having Thanksgiving with us.”
    “Thank you,” I said as I died inside.”
    I’m not good around people. I mean, I’m good, but I not good at talking with people. Unless I have a snootful. Then I don’t talk with, I lecture (thinking I’m informing) everyone within shouting distance.
    So anyway, at best, I’ll have a nice meal and get out of there soon thereafter. At worse, I’ll have to sit there and talk with very nice people who like me (why, I do not know) for at least an hour after the conclusion of the meal.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand how it is. I used to accept invitations before I figured out how to answer the question, “What are you doing for Thanksgiving? ” A simple, “giving thanks,” does it. Most back away after an eye roll or two. You have to really want to be alone before exercising this Howard Hughes like response. Thanks for the laugh this morning, Andrew. 😀

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  3. Great list, John. You are so right, football is as much a staple for Thanksgiving as pumpkin pie. 😀
    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours.

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  4. Not sure I agree with #6. 😛 Been the victim of Tofurkey and an experimental stuffing. The latter was a lot more tolerable than the former. Seriously, I don’t like turkey to begin with, but adding tofu to it is simply cruel.

    Realizing how often Thanksgiving goes wrong for me just by reading this list. People have omitted the desserts and sides that I like because they forgot.

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  5. Great list, John. I am a traditionalist. There will be pie and it will be pumpkin.

    You might add, if you’re the Washington Redskins, do not open your gates 8 hours before kick-off so fans can start drinking and deep-frying turkeys while tailgating. I suspect that is not going to end well.

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  7. We always have the perfect turkey – that’s because I don’t cook it – my husband does. I might add a number 11: Avoid contentious topics at the dinner table (Russians, Trump, the Clintons, uranium, and the Redskins)!

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  14. I think you may have saved me from doing a couple of these…lol! I would say a dry turkey (with lots of gravey) is better than a turkey that didn’t cook…turning on the oven seems to be a good idea, too:) Your list also reminded me I have to get a tofu turkey for my son! Thanks for the holiday laughs. Happy Thanksgiving!

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    2. Pumpkin pie is one of my VERY favorite pies, you guys – any time, actually. I can’t even imagine a *real* Thanksgiving dinner without it (any more than most folks would forgo the TV football!) SO, despite this comment, John, I am very pleased to see #3 above.

      HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
      xx,
      mgh
      (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMORE dot com)
      ADD/EFD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder
      “It takes a village to transform a world!

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  16. Its such a big deal isn’t for you good folk, I hope your goes well John, after reading thru the potential horrors of the day I’m glad we don’t have such celebrations…..Christmas is bad enough though any sensible person here doesn’t cook anything on Christmas as its too hot…

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    1. Yes. We are having turkey breast, yukon gold and sweet potato casserole, french cut green bean and bacon casserole, stuffing and death by chocolate cake. My wife makes the cake. 😀

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  25. Ha! I guess you could be so “fast” in the kitchen that nobody knew you already had those to go containers filled before dinner. Just never admit that they contain Mrs Smith’s for the good guests and Banquet for the not so good ones. 😈
    And poor Tiny — uninvited… I guess that’s easier said if one doesn’t have to clean up after him. Have a terrific pre-turkey Tuesday, John. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am so glad you enjoyed it, Luci. My blogging philosophy is to try and get folk to laugh. There is too much happening in the world that is not funny, so we should laugh while we can. I think since we both live in Texas we learned that a long time ago. Thank you for the visit and the comment.

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  29. Great list, John. I was the only cook and worked full-time so bought Mrs. Smith’s pumpkin pies, stuffing mix, potato flakes, canned cranberry sauce, and canned peas. I did roast a large turkey after defrosting it in my large microwave. I made gravy with the bagged parts of the turkey that were packed inside it. We invited one guest who was a friend of my children. Everyone enjoyed it. 😀 — Suzanne

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