Top Ten New Year Resolutions Not to Make

 

New Years Day

We have all made resolutions which in hindsight we probably should have left alone. I hope you have tome to go back and make some revisions if one of these is on your list.

10 When making New Year resolutions, do not include a stipulation to lose weight. If you do, at best you’ll miss your target. At worst, you’ll feel bad about your progress and consume enough ice cream to turn your goal into a three-year affair. (Funny how easy those pounds come back huh, Carswell?)

9 When making New Year resolutions, do not vow to stand up to Tiny. If you do, at best, your resolution will last three minutes. At worst, you’ll meet Tiny just as he is leaving his anger management class with an assignment to hug the first person he meets. (I’m thinking you shoving Tiny away wasn’t the best move of the new year, Carver. Good thing you have new running shoes for Christmas.)

8 When making New Year resolutions, do not swear off your favorite drink. If you do, at best you be thinking of nothing else. At worst, after what seems like a year you will have way too much to the concern of friends and family. (You made it four hours, Case. Maybe next year.)

7 When making New Year resolutions, do not include an item that requires someone else to help. If you do, at best that someone will disappear. At worst, you will count on support only to find your helper has violated the resolution several weeks ago without letting you know. (Just think of all the times your helper told you to be strong, Caster. Is that boiling blood I hear?)

6 When making New Year resolutions, do not include additional exercise goals. If you do, at best you’ll last a week.  At worst, you’ll rationalize that getting up in the morning is challenging enough.(How about that sit-up when you first wake up?  It counts right, Chadwick?)

5 When making New Year resolutions, do not eliminate sweets. If you do, at best your withdrawal symptoms will require an intravenous infusion of chocolate. At worst, your cravings will take you to the extreme where all you can think about is sweets. (I can’t believe you actually took candy from that baby, Chanan. And at gunpoint? Aw come on.)

4 When making New Year resolutions, do not vow to eat healthy. If you do, at best your food groups will be reduced to soybeans and flax seed. At worst, just when you thought you were in control you wake up in the hospital learning you were found in the walk in cooler of the local McDonalds. (Just what were you thinking, Chane?)

3 When making New Year resolutions, do not count getting organized as one of your goals. If you do, at best you not be able to find anything. At worst, you will discover in late February that you threw out all your receipts for business expenses. (All those nasty papers were ruining your Karma right, Chevalier?)

2 When making New Year resolutions, do not hope to learn a new language. If you do, at best you’ll get hello and goodby down pat. At worst, you’ll think you have it whipped after the first lesson only to find some folks shocked at what you said. (It appears that “sit on my thumb,” and “I appreciate your help,” are very close in pronunciation, Chidi.)

1 When making New Year resolutions, don’t even think about promising yourself that you will write more in 2018. If you do, at best you’ll manage the same. At worst, you will be so discouraged by your progress you will think writer’s block was invented to torture you personally. (Rather daunting to count those words (or should I say word) today huh, Chisolm?)

63 comments

  1. NOW you tell me?

    1. I should have warned you. You can cancel them. 😀

  2. Gwen Plano · ·

    What a great list, John. 😀 The younger me regularly fell prey to several of your New Year’s resolutions. Have a great day, hopefully with warm temps.

    1. Thank you, Gwen. High of 39 today. #5 right now. Brrrrrr.

  3. Love #9! So funny, John.

    1. Thanks, Jennie. Tiny is special. 😀

      1. You’re welcome, John. Tiny’s adventures are priceless. 🙂

  4. Happy New Year. These are great reasons to avoid resolutions. Never got into the habit anyway. 🙂

    1. Good habit not to get into. (You do them each week as goals)

      1. True. One of these days I hope to reach every weekly goal . . . Okay, maybe one of these years. Eh, I’ll be happy if I make to the weekend with some sanity intact.

      2. I think the weekend goal is the best

      3. It definitely helps with focusing.

  5. The best resolution is to gain weight, drink too much, junk out on television and rant on social media, that way even if you fail, you are ahead.

    1. I like this set. *grabs another beer.

  6. This is good.

    1. Thank you, Linda.

  7. … and if you don’t make resolutions, you won’t fall short!

    Happy New Year to you and yours!

    1. Thank you, Frank. Happy New year to your and yours as well.

      1. Did the dogs get special treats today?

  8. I’m at a loss. I think setting resolutions is tough, because they usually do fail. Just this morning after deciding to get the sugar out of the house for everyone’s good, I put creamer in my coffee. #goals

    1. Well to your defense, cream has food benefit.

  9. Fabulous post, John, I particularly like the last one.

    1. Thank you, Robbie. ;-D

  10. Fantastic list, John! You’re right, number one never works. Happy New Year to you and your family!

    1. Thank you, Jill. 🙂

  11. Your list beautifully reminds me why I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. Nothing like starting a new year off feeling like a failure, right?!?

    1. That is right, Debbie. I’m with you.

  12. The only good New Year’s Resolution is the one not to make a resolution – I’m more than happy with that one! 😀

    1. Me too, Jan. 😀

  13. I love this list!! I never make resolutions because they are only opportunities to fail. I get enough of that without self-inflicting it. 🙂 Good one, John!

    1. I am with you, Jan. Thank you.

  14. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    I learned not to do resolutions…your list has a lot of truths. My first laugh of the year. Happy 2018;)

    1. Thank you for laughing, DL. You may be my first for 2018 as well.

  15. I made a resolution to not make resolutions years ago and stuck to that one and lived happily ever after!

    1. And you accomplished that resolution every year. Thank you for the comment and visit Mandi.

  16. Brilliant start, dear John! That’s why I never make ANY resolution ever! I follow the current of life, enjoying it….and fast food too! 🙂

    1. There you go. Enjoy.

  17. No resolutions for me. I gave up on them years ago.

  18. No resolutions this year, John. I’ve tried some of these for new years and I’ve tried some for Lent. I once tried giving up coffee. Bad time. Very bad time.

  19. No New Year’s resolutions for me, especially writing goals! I will just take it one day at a time.

  20. Uh-oh. I am in deep do-do. I’m making six of the resolutions from your list. 🙂

    Happy New Year!

  21. Don’t make them – never stick to them! Might borrow yours!

    1. I never make em either. Thanks Billy Ray.

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

  22. Ha! John, these are all spot-on. I admit that I’ve done most, if not all of them. #1 is sadly very true. But years ago I made one resolution that I have kept ever since — I resolved to not make any resolutions again. 😀
    The image you created of Tiny ” Tiny just as he is leaving his anger management class with an assignment to hug the first person he meets.” That’s one of your very best! Lucky for my computer, the sinus infection that assailed me during the night prevented me snorting coffee onto the screen! Love that one — just fabulous. Well done.
    Happy Un-resolut-ing hugs!

    1. Thank you, Teagan. I hope you have a short lived bout with your sinuses. I know how that hurts. Hugs and stay warm.

      1. As long as I stay away from humans and phones (the temptation to speak), my flaming throat will get better. Sipping chicken broth and popping supplements. 😉 Hugs.

      2. There you go. Hot tea this afternoon with honey (put down that rum bottle)

  23. I may have some of these on my list, but I’m not telling. Happy New Year, John!

    1. Happy New Year , Teri. Ha ha ha. Best to keep them to yourself in case of disaster. 🙂

  24. LOL! #6! I’m not making any new year’s resolutions, but I have goals I hope to meet. Is that sort of like that sit-up when I wake up? 🙂

    1. Goals are short term resolutions. But we won’t tell anyone. Thanks, Deborah.

  25. Great list, John! I don’t make resolutions anymore, but I have set some goals, which to me, are a little different. I also vowed to just do my best, so if they don’t happen, I’m okay with that. Is this okay? 😉

    1. Yes, of course. What ever it takes to move ahead.

      1. Yes, and as long as it’s realistic. 😊

  26. Sorry, I’m late getting to this post, John. I’m glad I didn’t make a resolution to keep up with my emails. I’d feel like a total lost cause. I tried learning the local language when I first came to India. After about one and a half months the woman told me I spoke the language about as well as someone first getting off the plane. I’m just not good at languages. Great list. 😀 — Suzanne

    1. Thank you, Suzanne. That must have been a blow. Thanks for sharing.

  27. Reblogged this on Musings on Life & Experience and commented:
    Ten New Year’s resolutions NOT to make.

    1. Thank you, Suzanne. 😀

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