Ten Questions Not to Ask an Author

~ John W. Howell

 

Top Ten Things not to do

 

The inspiration for this list was preparing myself to attend four book festivals this year. I was making a list of items that I needed, and it occurred to me that I should prepare some answers to obvious questions. One thing leads to another, and the list is born.

10 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you make a lot of money writing?” If you do, at best you might get a chuckle in reply. At worst, you might have to listen to a long diatribe about the meaning of art as opposed to monetary considerations. (Wow. You didn’t realize just how little the author made from his books did you, Dylan?)

9 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “How does your spouse feel about your writing? If you do, at best you’ll get a two-word answer, “They’re Fine.” At worst, you may have to support a sobbing author on your shoulder. (Hopefully, the author is not getting your shirt wet. Right, Diego? Bu the way, you make a lovely pair.)

8 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “So what is the difference between traditionally published and an indie?” If you do, at best you’ll get a solid objective answer. At worst, you will ask Tiny, the WWF champ, who has just received his 100th rejection letter from a traditional publisher. I imagine you hit a sore spot with Tiny, Drake. I think it is time to test those new running shoes. Yes, right now.)

7 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Is your book well written?” If you do, at best you will get a confused look. At worst, you may get a question in return to the effect of wondering if you have just arrived on the planet Earth. (Man, these authors are sensitive aren’t they, Douglass?)

6 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you do all day?” If you do, at best you’ll get a smart reply like, “Drink bourbon.” At worst, you have to listen to a detailed reiteration by the fifteen-minute segment on the entire twenty-four hour day. (The bodily function and romance parts you could have done without hey, Dean?)

5 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Have you written anything that I might have read.?” If you do, at best the author will ask you what you have read. At worst, you will be left standing in the middle of the room with a “Kick Me Hard,” sign on your back. (So you thought you were engaging huh, Dennis?)

4 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you really like to write?” If you do, at best the author will offer you a cookie. At worst, the sound of crickets will lead you to quickly determine the crashing stupidity of your question. (I guess if authors didn’t like to write they might do something else. Don’t you agree, Dexter?”

3 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you have any bestsellers? If you do, at best the author does. At worst, you will have probably opened a wound that the author has been trying to work around. (Seems strange to witness a complete meltdown doesn’t it, Drew?)

2 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you really do?” If you do, at best the author is a trust fund baby. At worst, the author’s response will be delivered at a decibel level designed to shatter glass. (Don’t just cover your ears, Duke. I would make plans to leave soon.)

1 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What makes you write?” If you do, at best you’ll get a “little voices in my head,” answer. At worst, you’ll be pressed to explain what makes you breathe, eat, and sleep. (You gotta wonder if that author had been drinking don’t you, Desmond? He sure was spirited.)

117 thoughts on “Ten Questions Not to Ask an Author”

  10. LOL. Fabulous list, John. I’m amazed by how many of my coworkers hear I have “a book out” and ask “And you’re still here?” Then think it automatically means big money and a movie contract. My most recent sales report showed $1.42. Thank you Dan Antion — I think that was from your Christmas request for the Three Things novella.
    Number 3 is terrific — I’ve had that one. I got a kick out of all the “D” names. Have a marvelous Monday, John. Now, back to Mordor. Hugs.

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  19. Outstanding list, John! Guess all authors have been through it. I’m amazed by the number of folks who think that just because I have one book published, I’m sitting on Big Money Street!

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  23. What a great list and perfect way to start my morning with a laugh:) I have gone intro my what I do all day and its more than writing and could eork 24/–lecture more than once. Great way to send the authors off to work! Happy Monday.

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      1. lol! That needs to be on your list now, too:) That was pretty garbled message glad you could figure it out…must put on the glasses!

        Liked by 1 person

  27. Excellent, John!
    Having thrashed through several dozen interviews this past year myself. I couldn’t resist taking a stab at yours:10. “Do you make a lot of money writing?” Enough to fill my training bra.
    9. “How does your spouse feel about your writing?” You’ll have to ask him. He’s the guy over there with the earplugs.
    8. “So what is the difference between traditionally published and an indie?”One owns you and knows your every move, the other can’t even find you.
    7. “Is your book well written?” Nah, I found it dark and damp in there.
    6. “What do you do all day?” Argue with the robotic Grammarly app.
    5. “Have you written anything that I might have read?” Do you read letters to agents? Job applications?
    4. “Do you really like to write?” Yes. I’m a masochist. I love the pain of struggling with words while watching my nails bleed onto my keyboard.
    3. “Do you have any bestsellers?” Two, my furniture and appliances on Craig’s List
    2. “What do you really do?” Panhandle at the corner of Orange Ave and OBT
    1. “What makes you write?” I have a vibrator attached to my desk chair.

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  31. lol … lovin’ this list, my friend. The worst question I’ve ever been asked (About my writing, Diago!) So this guy looked me in the eye (just one eye as mine a widely spaced) Anyways … He asked most sincerely, “So what do you write?”
    (At that point, I had written my memoir and had yet to begin work on my first book of fiction)
    I responded with ‘My memoirs”.
    His response … “Oh … but do you do any REAL writing?”
    My response … expletive deleted etc etc etc…. Grrr!

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  36. Oh my gosh, John, talk about a good laugh. This list is one of your best. Some questions, huh? 🙂
    This also reminds me of questions reporters ask people after they’ve endured a horrific tragedy. (not funny, but stupid, nonetheless)…

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      2. Hilarious list that ‘Do you like to write?’ question killed me. I might answer if asked no, I just use this as a reason for my search history looking so weird and being indoors all day can be seen as socially acceptable.

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  41. Classics, John. And I’ve been asked all ten, many many times. The #11 asked many times is: “Why don’t you just write a book like the ones that became bestsellers? Don’t you WANT to make money?” The other one that bothers me a lot is from several friends who tell me a story about their great-aunt Molly, or brother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s uncle and then urge me: “YOU’RE the writer, please, wrote a book out of this!”

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