The inspiration for this list was preparing myself to attend four book festivals this year. I was making a list of items that I needed, and it occurred to me that I should prepare some answers to obvious questions. One thing leads to another, and the list is born.
10 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you make a lot of money writing?” If you do, at best you might get a chuckle in reply. At worst, you might have to listen to a long diatribe about the meaning of art as opposed to monetary considerations. (Wow. You didn’t realize just how little the author made from his books did you, Dylan?)
9 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “How does your spouse feel about your writing? If you do, at best you’ll get a two-word answer, “They’re Fine.” At worst, you may have to support a sobbing author on your shoulder. (Hopefully, the author is not getting your shirt wet. Right, Diego? Bu the way, you make a lovely pair.)
8 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “So what is the difference between traditionally published and an indie?” If you do, at best you’ll get a solid objective answer. At worst, you will ask Tiny, the WWF champ, who has just received his 100th rejection letter from a traditional publisher. I imagine you hit a sore spot with Tiny, Drake. I think it is time to test those new running shoes. Yes, right now.)
7 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Is your book well written?” If you do, at best you will get a confused look. At worst, you may get a question in return to the effect of wondering if you have just arrived on the planet Earth. (Man, these authors are sensitive aren’t they, Douglass?)
6 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you do all day?” If you do, at best you’ll get a smart reply like, “Drink bourbon.” At worst, you have to listen to a detailed reiteration by the fifteen-minute segment on the entire twenty-four hour day. (The bodily function and romance parts you could have done without hey, Dean?)
5 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Have you written anything that I might have read.?” If you do, at best the author will ask you what you have read. At worst, you will be left standing in the middle of the room with a “Kick Me Hard,” sign on your back. (So you thought you were engaging huh, Dennis?)
4 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you really like to write?” If you do, at best the author will offer you a cookie. At worst, the sound of crickets will lead you to quickly determine the crashing stupidity of your question. (I guess if authors didn’t like to write they might do something else. Don’t you agree, Dexter?”
3 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “Do you have any bestsellers? If you do, at best the author does. At worst, you will have probably opened a wound that the author has been trying to work around. (Seems strange to witness a complete meltdown doesn’t it, Drew?)
2 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What do you really do?” If you do, at best the author is a trust fund baby. At worst, the author’s response will be delivered at a decibel level designed to shatter glass. (Don’t just cover your ears, Duke. I would make plans to leave soon.)
1 If you meet an author, do not ask the question, “What makes you write?” If you do, at best you’ll get a “little voices in my head,” answer. At worst, you’ll be pressed to explain what makes you breathe, eat, and sleep. (You gotta wonder if that author had been drinking don’t you, Desmond? He sure was spirited.)
Reblogged this on Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Chris.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Welcome, John 😃
LikeLike
Chuckle, chuckle John…very insightful and humorous. Hugs for you. Xx
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Jane. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, if I can drink bourbon all day – maybe i should become a writer and put down all those little voices in my head are saying!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are a writer so go ahead. I would recommend Willett.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this, John. People who aren’t writers ten to ask stupid questions!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I have to agree. I’ve had some dillies from writers too. Thanks, Joan.
LikeLike
Hysterical!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Jennie.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome, John.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Check . . . Check . . . Check . . . Yup, I’ve gotten all of these. I’m just going to go cry in the shower with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s now. 😦
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ha ha ha. I usually hit the tub so the ice cream doesn’t get wet. 🙂
LikeLike
Good point. Watery ice cream just makes it worse.
LikeLike
Great post!! Thanks for the smiles!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the visit and comment. 😀
LikeLike
Great list, especially #10. Never ever ask me about sales. If they’re going well, I’ll tell you without being asked. If they’re not, you’re liable to get a dusty answer.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Very dusty. Thank you, Annabelle. 😀
LikeLike
Oh goodness, you’ve prompted me to think of the questions I’ve gotten – and try to forget. Great list, John. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Gwen. Have a super Monday.
LikeLike
LOL. Fabulous list, John. I’m amazed by how many of my coworkers hear I have “a book out” and ask “And you’re still here?” Then think it automatically means big money and a movie contract. My most recent sales report showed $1.42. Thank you Dan Antion — I think that was from your Christmas request for the Three Things novella.
Number 3 is terrific — I’ve had that one. I got a kick out of all the “D” names. Have a marvelous Monday, John. Now, back to Mordor. Hugs.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Mordor Monday calls. Thank you, Teagan. I have started a new list of names. Have a super day. 😀
LikeLike
Bottom line, don’t talk to writers. 🤭
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. That could be one conclusion, Jill. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on When Angels Fly.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the reblog, Mary.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Welcome John!
LikeLike
Sound like you’re well prepared to man the tables. Pack extra bourbon.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I think so. Thanks, Craig.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Great list, John. You are signed up for Four? I know you said Galveston, but what are the other three? Perhaps I’ll see you at one!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Wimberly, McKinney, and Word Wrangler
LikeLike
AWESOME! I will definitely see you in McKinney. There is a great little Irish Pub on the square in McKinney that we can grab a drink at and chat!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent. I have never been to McKinney
LikeLike
These are great, John – I’ve heard #6 more times than I can count. And Craig’s right – extra bourbon is always a good thing.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have it. Thanks, Teri
LikeLike
Best to just focus on them and what they do for a living. Ha.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yes. “Oh and what do your do?” “I’m an undertaker.” “Excuse me I’ve gotta go finalize a movie deal.”
LikeLike
Giggle. Way more fun..
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha.
LikeLike
Jaysis, John, this was brilliant!
Well played, sir.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Hook.
LikeLike
Oh, yeah… 😛
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yeah. 😀
LikeLike
Outstanding list, John! Guess all authors have been through it. I’m amazed by the number of folks who think that just because I have one book published, I’m sitting on Big Money Street!
LikeLiked by 2 people
You are aren’t you? Ha ha ha ha
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sure. Which is why I’m writing a second book!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes you are. Maybe not in money but certainly in satisfaction.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nope… I drink Molson Ale all day! Great list, John!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha. Thanks, John
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was perfect, John. I think we can all relate, LOL!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope so, Mae. Thanks. 😀
LikeLike
This one is just to funny, John.
LikeLike
Thank you, Denise. 😀
LikeLike
What a great list and perfect way to start my morning with a laugh:) I have gone intro my what I do all day and its more than writing and could eork 24/–lecture more than once. Great way to send the authors off to work! Happy Monday.
LikeLike
“Hi ho hi ho it’s off to work we go.” “Hey what are you folks mining?” “Words.”
LikeLiked by 1 person
lol! That needs to be on your list now, too:) That was pretty garbled message glad you could figure it out…must put on the glasses!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Would recommend it. Ha ha ha.
LikeLike
So, I guess we’re left with “how about those Astros?” or “Would you care for some Bourbon?”
Greta list, John.
LikeLike
Thanks, Dan. How about, “What inspires you most?” That would knock any writer to the knee profile.
LikeLike
I would go with “if I buy this, will you sign it for me?”
LikeLiked by 1 person
That is an excellent question.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Terrific John… love them all…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Sally XXX
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Die Erste Eslarner Zeitung – Aus und über Eslarn, sowie die bayerisch-tschechische Region!.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Michael.
LikeLike
Excellent, John!
Having thrashed through several dozen interviews this past year myself. I couldn’t resist taking a stab at yours:10. “Do you make a lot of money writing?” Enough to fill my training bra.
9. “How does your spouse feel about your writing?” You’ll have to ask him. He’s the guy over there with the earplugs.
8. “So what is the difference between traditionally published and an indie?”One owns you and knows your every move, the other can’t even find you.
7. “Is your book well written?” Nah, I found it dark and damp in there.
6. “What do you do all day?” Argue with the robotic Grammarly app.
5. “Have you written anything that I might have read?” Do you read letters to agents? Job applications?
4. “Do you really like to write?” Yes. I’m a masochist. I love the pain of struggling with words while watching my nails bleed onto my keyboard.
3. “Do you have any bestsellers?” Two, my furniture and appliances on Craig’s List
2. “What do you really do?” Panhandle at the corner of Orange Ave and OBT
1. “What makes you write?” I have a vibrator attached to my desk chair.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love these, Susan. LOL material.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’d want to stay away from all those peeps who rejected Tiny, tell you what . . .
LikeLiked by 1 person
Me too. Thanks, Marc.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Another great list of questions, John! I’ve certainly been asked a few of these questions.🤪 Some of these can be very annoying.😏
LikeLiked by 1 person
They can. I had a guy ask me when the picture on the back of my book was taken. I told him and he said, “You must have had a pretty good make up artist.”
LikeLike
Ahhhh!! 😮 No way! Some people are just too obnoxious.
LikeLiked by 1 person
They are. 😀
LikeLike
You mean I’m the only one making a ‘killing’ in this business??? Asking while tears flow!
Keep the faith, children, in the ‘Writing God’!
Great list, good John!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Yup. You are the only bonafide millionaire I know. 😀
LikeLike
Why am I the last to know? 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ha ha ha.
LikeLike
lol … lovin’ this list, my friend. The worst question I’ve ever been asked (About my writing, Diago!) So this guy looked me in the eye (just one eye as mine a widely spaced) Anyways … He asked most sincerely, “So what do you write?”
(At that point, I had written my memoir and had yet to begin work on my first book of fiction)
I responded with ‘My memoirs”.
His response … “Oh … but do you do any REAL writing?”
My response … expletive deleted etc etc etc…. Grrr!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ha ha ha. So funny Soooz. (about my writing, Diago) Had to laugh out loud.(One eye was pretty funny too.) Thanks for sharing. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
😊
LikeLiked by 1 person
These are brilliant, John. 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you so much, Colleen. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh, yes.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks, Jemima. Oh, yes is right.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out this great post from John Howell with 10 things not to ask an author from his Fiction Favorites blog.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for the reblog, Don
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on Anna Dobritt — Author.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Anna for the reblog
LikeLike
Oh my gosh, John, talk about a good laugh. This list is one of your best. Some questions, huh? 🙂
This also reminds me of questions reporters ask people after they’ve endured a horrific tragedy. (not funny, but stupid, nonetheless)…
LikeLiked by 2 people
I know right. Like, “How does it feel to lose everything?” Thanks Lauren.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly! It’s crazy. I mean, who comes up with those questions? Anyway, great list again!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you , Lauren.
LikeLike
Wow, what a fun (and totally accurate) list! I’m glad I stopped by to read the post, because it gave me a much-needed giggle. 😃
LikeLiked by 1 person
I enjoyed reading this thank you. You might also like Steven King’s response when asked if he writes for the money!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m not sure money is all that important. It would be a true validation if a living could be made, however. Thank you for the visit and comment. 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
A person asking those questions would be lucky to be in a condition to walk out the door especially with Tiny there. Funny list, John. 😀 — Suzanne
LikeLiked by 2 people
I know right? Thanks, Suzanne.
LikeLike
Multiple good chuckles on this list … and I’m wondering how many of those have been actually asked!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you can safely say 100%. Thanks, Frank.
LikeLiked by 1 person
… And that makes the list even funnier.
LikeLiked by 1 person
True.
LikeLike
Hilarious list that ‘Do you like to write?’ question killed me. I might answer if asked no, I just use this as a reason for my search history looking so weird and being indoors all day can be seen as socially acceptable.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Ha ha ha. That is a great answer. I once said, “It keeps me from robbing banks.” Yes there was a jaw drop. 😀 Thanks, Amy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LoL, I would imagine.
LikeLiked by 1 person
😀
LikeLike
Classics, John. And I’ve been asked all ten, many many times. The #11 asked many times is: “Why don’t you just write a book like the ones that became bestsellers? Don’t you WANT to make money?” The other one that bothers me a lot is from several friends who tell me a story about their great-aunt Molly, or brother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s uncle and then urge me: “YOU’RE the writer, please, wrote a book out of this!”
LikeLiked by 2 people
Oh I know. I was cornered by a guy who had the greatest story that he wanted me to write. I would have liked to have had a gun. To shoot myself.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Reblogged this on WILDsound Writing and Film Festival Review.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you fo the reblog.
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Viv Drewa – The Owl Lady.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, Viv.
LikeLike
People don’t usually ask me questions when I tell them I’m a writer, John. They just stand there, openmouthed, and stare at me for ages. It’s can be very off-putting. 😀
LikeLiked by 2 people
I have been there. Makes for an uncomfortable moment till I walk away.
LikeLiked by 1 person