Top Ten Things Not to Do on Your Birthday When You Turn One Hundred

 

Ten Things Not to Do

The inspiration for this list was coming across a bunch of things to do on a birthday. I then imagined doing these things when one is older, and the Ten Things Not to Do was born. It struck me that sometimes just being with family is enough. I hope you enjoy the list and who knows? Maybe you’d enjoy doing one of these when you turn One-Hundred.

10 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a big ole house party. If you do at best, you won’t remember it. At worst, all the folks showing up would enjoy a nap and not get down and boogie with you. (You had to know that some people just show their age more than others, Davu. Also, the noise from that ten-piece band is attracting the police.)

9 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not think going clubbing is a good idea. If you do, at best you’ll be in bed before the club opens. At worst, you’ll be stopped at the door by Tiny the WWF champ who can’t count high enough to validate your ID. (So loan him your calculator, Daylan. You know the one that you got free for joining ARRP fifty years ago.)

8 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a scavenger hunt. If you do, at best some will forget to come back. At worst, your neighbors will become hopelessly confused by a bunch of seniors appearing to be aimlessly searching for things. (The state trooper described the scene as the zombie apocalypse and now your home is surrounded, Dayson.)

7 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to have a barbecue. If you do, at best you’ll need some Kentucky fried to pull it off. At worst, your gas grill hasn’t been used since your Ninety-Fifth birthday, and no one seems to notice the uncooked food including you. (Gotta hope everyone is immune to the bubonic plague, Deavon.)

6 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not decide to take a city break to a place you’ve never been. If you do, at best you understand Uber. At worst, you will need to rely on friendly strangers to help you get back home. (Funny how those sites you thought you would remember getting there now are so unfamiliar coming back huh, Dalbert. Good thinking on the luggage tag attached to your coat.)

5 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not go on a camping trip. If you do, at best you’ll have someone to help you set up camp. At worst, the search party will take another day to reach you in that ravine. (Good thing you packed your bourbon right, Delsin?)

4 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not take a road trip. If you do,  at best your AAA card will get your 67 Dodge back home. At worst, the first bar on your list will refuse to serve you without a doctor in attendance. (So much for acting out Animal House again, Deniz. Hey, wake up Jonesie. You don’t want him to miss the fun.)

3 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not get talked into skydiving. If you do, at best the airplane won’t start. At worst, your tandem diving instructor is a twenty-something who has a severe case of sleep apnea. (It is a good thing he woke up before the landing, Dermitt.)

2 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not consider a beach party. If you do, at best you’ll be sleeping with sand for a month. At worst, your walker is hopelessly useless, and you have to rely on your son-in-law to carry you everywhere. (It wasn’t so bad in the beginning, but that soft drink sure started an endless trek huh, Derrick?)

1 If you are celebrating your One-Hundredth birthday, do not think a rock concert would be fun. If you do, at best you can modulate your hearing aid to accommodate the noise. At worst, once the fireworks start you’ll realize you forgot your emergency inhaler.(Wait. All of a sudden you have this euphoric feeling that comes from a second-hand high. This was not such a bad idea after, all, was it, Derwent?)

55 comments

  1. Most entertaining John. I once heard George Burns say that reaching 100 was a great milestone as not many people died over 100.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Good one. Thanks, Michael.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Number three reminds me of a story where an aviator asks a sky-diver, “Why would anyone want to jump out of a perfectly good plane?” The sky-diver replied, “Show me a perfectly good plane and I won’t jump out of it.”

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  3. Good one. Poor Tiny.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Never works for him, does it?

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  4. Gwen Plano · ·

    A second-hand high? LOL. Great list, John. Some points I already experience, my poor kids. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean for sure. Thanks, Gwen. 😀

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  5. Love the note. The scavenger hunt reminded of this one: One of the best things about getting older is that you can hide your own Easter eggs.

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    1. Ha ha ha. I like it. ;-D

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  6. A diving instructor with sleep apnea is never good for anyone, lol.

    I dig numero uno. Why not go out with a bang!

    Peace and the century mark

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    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Marc.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. That’s a great list, John. I love the AARP calculator line. I’m far from triple-digits, but I think my clubbing days are behind me. I didn’t enjoy them when I was in my 20s.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. They were a pain in more ways than one.

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  8. This is timely, John. My grandmother will be turning 100 in April. If she was online, she’d get a kick out of this!

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    1. I hope she has a happy one.

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      1. She will, I’m sure. She’s always been social and loves a party. (She still has her wits about her, so I know it’ll be a fun day for all of us.)

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  9. I think you’ve got the right idea, John. Being with family sounds like a perfect celebration!

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    1. It does, Thanks, Debbie.

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  10. Too funny and entirely possible these days! Another 20 years or so and all those 60’s tweenties wild children will be getting on the bucket list trail and then we’ll see some epic partying… 😛

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    1. It should be fun. Thanks, Jan

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  11. Great list, John! Isn’t 100 the new 70? I say take that jump out of the airplane. 🙂

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    1. Ha ha ha. Geeeeronnnnaaaammmmo

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  12. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    If I hit 100 I will definitely celebrate– and hopefully I will remember your list to work from:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope so too. Happy Birthday in advance.

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  13. John, this is incredible. Hope I myself make it to 100, and I’ll remember to keep this list of yours in mind as a reminder.

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    1. Yes. Please do. 😀

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  14. Lol! My personal two favorites were the scavenger hunt and rock concert! 🙂 Maybe I’ll try one of those on my hundredth birthday. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sure you will. Thanks, Jan

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  15. I’m calling my attorney first thing in the morning! Me, going clubbing? Who the heck would I club?
    Good stuff, good John! 🙂

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    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Billy Ray.

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  16. This is hilarious, John. By the time I got to the scavenger hunt, I was laughing out loud.

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    1. Excellent. You’ve made my day. 😀

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      1. I’m so glad! 😀

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  17. I also loved #8 about the scavenger hunt. I could see them wandering around the neighborhood. If I reach 100 I probably will look like a zombie. I just hope I’m not falling apart. Zombie movies and TV series give me nightmares. 😀 — Suzanne

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    1. Ha ha ha. This is why I don’t watch those kinds of movies. Thanks, Suzanne. 😀

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  18. This is a good one, John – we’re going to visit my in-laws this weekend. My FIL is turning 92 and I can only hope to be in as good of shape if I reach that age!

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    1. Good for him. I think we all hope to be in good shape when we reach old age. Thanks, Teri.

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  19. Ha! One of your best, John. You slayed me with the scavenger hunt. And Derwent? Fabulous.
    I managed to write the conclusion of Pip Meets Tiny, the post with your list is ready to post at midnight. I’m not best pleased with my work… But I didn’t think I was going to be able to write anything at all. It does not do justice to your list. I’m not at my computer, but I’ll send you a link tomorrow. (Exhausted.) Hugs
    Have a good night. Hugs

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    1. AW. I hope you get some rest. The post will be fine. Hugs

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  20. Thanks for the giggles, John. This is priceless! 🙂

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    1. Glad to give you the giggles. Thanks for letting me know, Natalie.

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  21. Brilliant, John. I am glad I am still quite far off my 100th birthday.

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    1. Yes. But hopefully you’ll need the list when the time comes.

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  22. I doubt I’ll make it to one hundred, but I’m filing this away just in case, John.

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    1. Good idea. Hook. Always be prepared.

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  23. After reading this list, I’m not sure I want to reach 100, John. However, there’s always that birthday card from The Queen. She only sends them when you reach 100. Saves her a lot of cash.

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    1. I suppose it would save cash. Of course, there is probably an army of folks whose job it is to keep track of those who turn 100. Thanks, Hugh.

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      1. True. In fact, I recently found out that there are over 10,000 people in the UK who are over 100. I guess that’s a lot of birthday cards to buy, write and mail.

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      2. Wow. I never realized. Must be all those morrow bones and claret meals adding on the years. 😀

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