Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

 

 

The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was, “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?) If you read to the end, I have a question about an idea given me by a regular reader. I would appreciate your comments. No poll just comment if you feel like it.

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think it was that stray goat that gave a The Fly like result, Emest. Don’t worry, maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money as to where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stocks exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer will need to come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term, “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “lifeover.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos were taken by the audience when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit which is now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not dress in period armor. If you do, at best the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach and everyone you ask to unhook it thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind, was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (Might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)

I would appreciate a comment on the following:

A reader has suggested that I do a Top Ten Things Not to Do at select historical events. For example, The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Louis XIV’s coronation. Or Top Ten Things Not to Do While Crossing the Delaware with Washington. These would all be ridiculous things (as usual) on a historical backdrop.  I would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think.

 

82 comments

  1. I’d like to see what you do with historical events, John – in UK we have a Horrible Histories series (on TV and in books) 😎

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would hope to bring many gaffaws, Chris. May have to stretch the truth to do that though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sure you’ll make a fun job out of it if you do decide to go ahead John. At best you might only duplicate some things, at worst you may become too involved to return to your own time.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, David.

      Like

  3. I think a historical theme would be hilarious, John. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jill. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ll answer your question first – Maybe that could be the theme for August – end the summer with a bit of whimsy. Please include one of the significant ocean crossing explorations.

    As for the Renaissance Faire, I would only be inclined to do a couple of these. Maybe I just shouldn’t go.

    Great list, great series!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you would not have any fun. Even taking a picture of a turkey leg might fall flat.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Good morning, John.
    I used to love the Renfest at the city where I lived in a long ago “past life.” #1 cracked me up. They do seem to have different definitions for some things. There was all sorts of confusion when I commented on someone’s large sword… 😉

    Historical events could be fun. I’m not sure how good I am with history — maybe I’ll learn something.
    Visiting famous locations could be fun too. Have a marvelous Monday. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Teagan. I think it would be a good series.

      Like

  6. Love the idea of historical backdrop for your top 10 list

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you , Pamela

      Like

  7. I like the historical event idea. Curious to see how it would go with infamous events like Pompeii or the Titanic. Oooh, Top Ten Things Not to Do During the Dark Ages!

    As far as this list goes, I have a solution for #4. Recover the turkey leg and hold it like a club since it’s probably bigger than the barbarian’s weapon. I mean, why are Ren Faire turkey legs so gigantic?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess the idea is to feel like you are feasting

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      1. A giant turkey leg would definitely do that.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I laughed when I got to “do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party.” I know a few of the people who’d be in that cast, and believe me — that’s good advice.

    Why not do even more of a twist on the historical events and base them on Texas history? You know — like, “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Karankawa Cookout.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. or you and I it would be histerical. For the folks in the UK not so much.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I like the idea of the historical posts – should be fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Teri. 😀

      Like

  10. I think the historical theme would be fun – big surprise from me. eh! Never heard of a Renaissance Faire before – so clearly we don’t have them around here. Sounds like fun, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. Canada was born long after the Renaissance so why bother eh?

      Like

  11. Make yourself happy first. You know we’re all here for the long haul. The historical stuff would be fun though. It plays right into memorable dates on the calendar too. D-day, ides of March, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I was thinking the same thing but want to go back a little at times. Like “The Top Tne Things Not to Do on a Dinosaur Hunt or First day of fire.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow, looking forward to some fire safety tips.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. If you are present on the first day of fire do think you can scoop some up in your hands and take it home.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Should have been don’t think

        Like

  12. Please pass the Honey Mead… *hiccup*
    A good idea. However, I’m not great at remembering history so I may believe everything you write.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Don’t worry there won’t be a test. Besides I never tell the truth anyway.

      Like

      1. Well in context of story telling. I get the facts right but stray on the story direction.

        Like

  13. Grace Allison · · Reply

    I wonder what the top things not to do when you time travel back to (your favorite) place.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooo. What a concept. 😀

      Like

  14. Seems you have consensus, John! ‘Yea’ here as well! AND, I declare, I’ve never beeen to a Renaissance Faire – SO, there! Take care! You hear! Oh, dear! Loony, I be, t’would appear!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I haven’t either. So that make two of us.

      Like

  15. LOVE NUMBER 6.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Larry.

      Like

  16. I have only been to one, the Renaissance Festival, north of Houston. People can get very carried away! Yes, I think something on the historical side would be a good challenge for you and a different angle for the Top Ten.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jo. 😀

      Like

  17. D.L Finn, Author · · Reply

    I like the historical backdrop to the top ten! After the Renaissence Faire I am now craving a Turkey leg:)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I now what you mean. A nice smoked one.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. John,

    Of COURSE I would accept an invite to an after hours cast party! It might not end well, but it’ll be a heck of a lot of fun getting there!
    Tiny’s placement in this list. Yep, it took me forever to notice the pattern .
    And as for those stocks? You KNOW you’re doing it! You just can’t help yourself John!

    Peace and flagons of tasty drinks

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Tiny’s palcement has been about a year so it is relatively new. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah well . . I’m on to you now . . .

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I see that. 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  19. First of all, I love the Renaissance Top Ten list. Renaissance Fairs are so much fun to attend! I love the jousting. Great list. On the other idea. I think any top ten list you come up with will be humorous whether it is relating to Noah’s ark or yesterday’s wine tasting. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jan. You made me smile.

      Like

  20. First, as to your question. I would love to see your top ten list on historical events. My initial picks would be for JFK’s presidency and assassination, the Hindenberg, the Titanic, and Watergate.

    Second, as to the Renfest: a) never sit in the first six rows at the mud play and b) never volunteer to be shown how to belly dance.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha haha. I like yout Faire not to do’s. Thaks for the other suggestions as well Not sure the assassination will lend itself to my brand of humor though. I like Watergate.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oooh, I would love to see what you could do with Watergate.😎

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Would be fun.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. I love historical themes. Go for it! This one was hilarious 😆

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Eilene. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Here is another great top ten list from John Howell. This one is the top ten things not to do at a renaissance faire. Find it in this post from his Fiction Favorites blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you , Don

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  23. I found myself snickering; as a former Renaissance Faire cast member, I’ve seen plenty of people do those “don’ts.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll bet you have. Thak you for the visit, Sharon

      Liked by 1 person

  24. I liked #9. Anyone who boos Tiny dressed for a joust and carrying a mace has had way too much mead. That big guy with the grandma sounds like one of his relatives. Now the offender might have the whole family after him. I think the historical ten things idea is a winner. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Thank you, Suzanne. 😀

      Like

  25. Great, dear John! Thank you! I’m flattered with your idea about Louis’s coronation! Looking forward to read it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I loved this! The turkey leg, them authentic clasp, and of course Tiny, had me in stitches. And yes, yes, a Top Ten of historical events would be terrific.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jennie.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, John. I do hope you seriously consider some Top Ten posts on historical events… think of Tiny in George Washington’s boat crossing the Delaware. Just sayin’.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know right? I have one more not to do on socila media before the historical launch

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m so glad.

        Liked by 1 person

  27. I laughed at do not wear a suit of armor in from the time period. It’s hot here quite often when we have the Ren Faire. I feel for the women in those heavy gowns, and the guys in those wool suits, nd the jousters in their armor.
    It’s bad enough I’m in jeans and t-shirt! Those people are amazing!

    Go for the Top Ten on Historical Events. It could be quite funny.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Deborah. If not funny then we abandon the idea as if it had lice.

      Liked by 1 person

  28. It’s a great idea, John. Your humour would certainly make learning history a bit of fun (for those who were not very good at the subject in school). Maybe ask your readers for some historical events if you run out of ideas?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good idea, Hugh.

      Liked by 1 person

  29. We took my parents to one when they visited John.. where were you then with your advice!!! xxxxx

    Like

  30. […] Kaye.. Debby Gies Carol Taylor Annette Rochelle Aben John W. Howell D. Wallace Peach Sherri Matthews Rosie Amber Robbie Cheadle – Robbies Inspiration Colleen […]

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  31. I didn’t know they had renaissance faires in the US, John. A great top 10 and I particularly like the hot day, suit of armour one. I like the idea of a 10 ten historical idea post. 10 things not to do at a public hanging, 10 things not to do in a Luddite fight, 10 things not to do at a jousting competition. Awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the suggestions, Robbie.

      Like

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