Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire

~ John W. Howell

 

 

The inspiration for this list was a question by the producer. “Have you done a Top Ten on a Renaissance Faire?” The answer was, “No.” So here it is. (I know pretty simple inspiration, isn’t it?) If you read to the end, I have a question about an idea given me by a regular reader. I would appreciate your comments. No poll just comment if you feel like it.

10 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not raise your hand when the wizard asks for volunteers. If you do, at best you might get embarrassed. At worst, the trick will go horribly wrong, and you’ll be sporting some Hellboy horns. (I think it was that stray goat that gave a The Fly like result, Emest. Don’t worry, maybe the wizard can reverse the spell. Yeah, maybe.)

9 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not boo Tiny, the WWF champ, when he walks onto the jousting field. If you do, at best he will have lost you in the crowd. At worst, Tiny who has been attending court-ordered anger management classes will accidentally let go of his mace as he nears the spectator stand. (You can place money as to where that mace will land, Emmanuele. No, that umbrella won’t help at all.)

8 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept the invitation to put your head and wrists into the stocks. If you do, at best you’ll get a humorous photo. At worst, the guy running the stocks exhibit forgot the keys, and now you have an afternoon of ridicule. ( It will be fun he said. How much fun is it, Enar? Oh, that tomato wasn’t quite ripe was it?)

7 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think Three Card Monty is an easy way to pick up spending money. If you do, at best you may only lose a few dollars. At worst, you and the dealer will need to come to an equitable arrangement to cover that last bet. (I don’t think he will take a check, Engel.)

6 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party. If you do, at best you’ll need to leave early to take the babysitter home. At worst, you’ll be singing “Moma Told Me Not to Come” while trying to find the door out. (Whoever coined the term, “hangover,” Enyeto. How you feel is more like “lifeover.”)

5 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not join the music makers on stage if you are overserved. If you do, at best no one you know will see your performance. At worst, the videos were taken by the audience when you fell off the stage all went viral. (Hard to explain to your boss what you were thinking huh, Ephrem. He believes the head of HR should set a better example.)

4 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not throw your consumed turkey leg over your shoulder as a supposed imitation of Henry VIII. If you do, at best by chance it will hit a trash receptacle. At worst, you will catch someone’s grandma in the face with your trash. (That someone just happens to be the big guy wearing the barbarian outfit which is now holding you off your feet, Erikson. He’s not buying the accident story, and his club looks pretty substantial.)

3 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not dress in period armor. If you do, at best the day will be overcast. At worst, the temperature just hit a new record high. (Now you know what it is like to be in a sweatbox, Erroll. That authentic clasp on the back is just out of reach and everyone you ask to unhook it thinks you’re a perve.)

2 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not get carried away with the thought of quitting work and joining the cast. If you do, at best your audition will fail. At worst, you will be picked to play the blacksmith. (That hot furnace and pounding metal all day wasn’t what you had in mind, was it Eryk? Too bad you signed a seasonal agreement, and you only have six more months to serve. You found out too late that no one likes to play the blacksmith.)

1 If you attend a Renaissance Faire, do not think you have to talk to everyone in Renaissance English. If you do, at best no one will understand you. At worst, a large cast member will think you are making fun of his speech. (Might be a good idea to find a flagon of mead right now, Eskander. Better yet two flagons. One to share with the guy holding your neck.)

I would appreciate a comment on the following:

A reader has suggested that I do a Top Ten Things Not to Do at select historical events. For example, The Top Ten Things Not to Do at Louis XIV’s coronation. Or Top Ten Things Not to Do While Crossing the Delaware with Washington. These would all be ridiculous things (as usual) on a historical backdrop.  I would appreciate it if you could let me know what you think.

 

82 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Renaissance Faire”

  2. I’m sure you’ll make a fun job out of it if you do decide to go ahead John. At best you might only duplicate some things, at worst you may become too involved to return to your own time.
    Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ll answer your question first – Maybe that could be the theme for August – end the summer with a bit of whimsy. Please include one of the significant ocean crossing explorations.

    As for the Renaissance Faire, I would only be inclined to do a couple of these. Maybe I just shouldn’t go.

    Great list, great series!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Good morning, John.
    I used to love the Renfest at the city where I lived in a long ago “past life.” #1 cracked me up. They do seem to have different definitions for some things. There was all sorts of confusion when I commented on someone’s large sword… 😉

    Historical events could be fun. I’m not sure how good I am with history — maybe I’ll learn something.
    Visiting famous locations could be fun too. Have a marvelous Monday. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I like the historical event idea. Curious to see how it would go with infamous events like Pompeii or the Titanic. Oooh, Top Ten Things Not to Do During the Dark Ages!

    As far as this list goes, I have a solution for #4. Recover the turkey leg and hold it like a club since it’s probably bigger than the barbarian’s weapon. I mean, why are Ren Faire turkey legs so gigantic?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I laughed when I got to “do not accept an invitation to attend the after hours cast party.” I know a few of the people who’d be in that cast, and believe me — that’s good advice.

    Why not do even more of a twist on the historical events and base them on Texas history? You know — like, “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Visiting a Karankawa Cookout.”

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I think the historical theme would be fun – big surprise from me. eh! Never heard of a Renaissance Faire before – so clearly we don’t have them around here. Sounds like fun, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Make yourself happy first. You know we’re all here for the long haul. The historical stuff would be fun though. It plays right into memorable dates on the calendar too. D-day, ides of March, etc.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. I have only been to one, the Renaissance Festival, north of Houston. People can get very carried away! Yes, I think something on the historical side would be a good challenge for you and a different angle for the Top Ten.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. John,

    Of COURSE I would accept an invite to an after hours cast party! It might not end well, but it’ll be a heck of a lot of fun getting there!
    Tiny’s placement in this list. Yep, it took me forever to notice the pattern .
    And as for those stocks? You KNOW you’re doing it! You just can’t help yourself John!

    Peace and flagons of tasty drinks

    Liked by 1 person

  19. First of all, I love the Renaissance Top Ten list. Renaissance Fairs are so much fun to attend! I love the jousting. Great list. On the other idea. I think any top ten list you come up with will be humorous whether it is relating to Noah’s ark or yesterday’s wine tasting. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  20. First, as to your question. I would love to see your top ten list on historical events. My initial picks would be for JFK’s presidency and assassination, the Hindenberg, the Titanic, and Watergate.

    Second, as to the Renfest: a) never sit in the first six rows at the mud play and b) never volunteer to be shown how to belly dance.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I liked #9. Anyone who boos Tiny dressed for a joust and carrying a mace has had way too much mead. That big guy with the grandma sounds like one of his relatives. Now the offender might have the whole family after him. I think the historical ten things idea is a winner. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  26. I loved this! The turkey leg, them authentic clasp, and of course Tiny, had me in stitches. And yes, yes, a Top Ten of historical events would be terrific.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, John. I do hope you seriously consider some Top Ten posts on historical events… think of Tiny in George Washington’s boat crossing the Delaware. Just sayin’.

        Liked by 1 person

  27. I laughed at do not wear a suit of armor in from the time period. It’s hot here quite often when we have the Ren Faire. I feel for the women in those heavy gowns, and the guys in those wool suits, nd the jousters in their armor.
    It’s bad enough I’m in jeans and t-shirt! Those people are amazing!

    Go for the Top Ten on Historical Events. It could be quite funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. It’s a great idea, John. Your humour would certainly make learning history a bit of fun (for those who were not very good at the subject in school). Maybe ask your readers for some historical events if you run out of ideas?

    Liked by 1 person

  30. Pingback: #Blue Sky Tag – Time for a little fun and distraction…#TGIF | Smorgasbord – Variety is the spice of life

  31. I didn’t know they had renaissance faires in the US, John. A great top 10 and I particularly like the hot day, suit of armour one. I like the idea of a 10 ten historical idea post. 10 things not to do at a public hanging, 10 things not to do in a Luddite fight, 10 things not to do at a jousting competition. Awesome.

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