Top Ten things Not to Do While Rome Burns in AD 64

This post continues the Top Ten series with a historical background. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best you might be mistaken as a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny who just graduated from Gladiator school will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and trident Flynn. Might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if there are thugs warning you not to do it. If you do, at best you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way have blood in their eye, Franko. Maybe its time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

58 comments

  1. Stunning, dear John! Worth of reading by Nero in person!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah he said he liked it. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have no doubt! I’m certain he would mention your instructions in his next memoires.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Ha. Excellent John. When my time machine is up and running ill bear in mind

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good idea. Mine has a zelidon crystal that seems to be dead. You don’t have a spare do you?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh. I saw a couple on eBay, when I was looking for a corn trimmer for my zebra. I’ll check back and let you know.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Too funny, John…# 3 is hilarious! Happy Monday!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jill. Happy Monday (oxymoron?) too.

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  4. #6 was great. I can just imagine that one happening.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Charles. 😀

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  5. #8 – I need to put that T-shirt in the back of the closet…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha haha. Thanks, Mary.

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  6. I was told I could trade my ticket in at the smores stand. What gives? Oh, hi, Tiny…yeah, I was just leaving.

    Great one, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL. Thanks, Dan

      Liked by 1 person

  7. John,

    Those “I’m a Happy Christian” t-shirts are given out, gratis, at the door when you attend a Trump rally. Sorry, that was a cheap and way too easy shot at Christians, I take it back. I’m too impulsive sometimes.
    I like the idea of bringing ‘smores, not to sell, but to enjoy. I mean, might as well make ‘smores out of less, am I right? 🙂
    Peace and keeping Tiny happy

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Smores out of less.” A classic, Marc. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Every once in a while, John . . 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Nice way to start a Monday morning, John – and love the pic above.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Teri. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I laughed out loud at the wordplay in #10. Those lyres can cause more than their share of trouble, for sure!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Reasons to be careful for sure. Thanks, Linda.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Gwen Plano · ·

    A smores stand? LOL! You have a very special imagination. This was a fun read, John. I’ll be thinking about smores all day. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Gwen. We still have smores now and then. (even when there are no kids in sight.)

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  11. No, Tiny, I said lyre. I didn’t call you a liar.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Excellent.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Numero Nueve, me teenk, por que, yo amo Teeny! ♥

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    1. Ha ha ha. Thanks, Billy Ray

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Love the s’mores one! I might add, if you are in Rome and it’s burning, make sure to lift up the bottom of your toga, or you might become a burning man!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Good one, Noelle. 😀

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  14. You had me at the meme, John — too good! As a former Latin student, I can assure you this one was right up my alley. Perhaps my favorite thus far of your historical top tens.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Debbie. I would have thrown a few latin terms around had I known.:-D

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Eek, no thanks! I’ve probably forgotten half of what I knew.

        Liked by 1 person

  15. If you are in Rome and it’s burning

    DO invest in lumber stock. You know they will rebuild with wood because you know no one ever learns from anything.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is so true. We still use wood today. 😀

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  16. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    I’m loving your historical series John! I’m going to be giggling about the smores all day…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Denise. I liked that line myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Smores stand and Circus Maximus!! Holding my sides laughing, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m so glad, Jan. It is good to laugh.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Love it! There is always time for smores, isn’t there.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. At least there should be. Thanks, Darlene

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Hahaha, very cute!

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    1. Thank you, Luanne

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  20. Dang. No pub to keep you cool whilst all is burning around you. How are you supposed to watch the show?
    Fun stuff, sir.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Gotta get a seat in the Nero box.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. I like #8, John. I didn’t know they sold T-shirts back then. Did they have any “I was in Rome when it burned and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.” shirts? 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would hope they had a funny shirt like you describe, Suzanne. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  22. Jolly good, John. I enjoyed the smores one the best.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Made me laugh too. Thanks, Robbie.

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Love the cartoon at the beginning of the post, John. I always wondered if Tiny made it to gladiator school. I bet the lions were more scared of him.
    Have a great week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes Tiny is caled Tiny the Glad in AD Rome

      Liked by 1 person

  24. Tiny was at his best, again. And I can’t stop laughing at the I’m a Happy Christian T-shirt. Thank you, John!

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