Top Ten things Not to Do While Rome Burns in AD 64

~ John W. Howell

This post continues the Top Ten series with a historical background. Hope you enjoy.

10 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not practice your Lyre. If you do, at best you might be mistaken as a leader. At worst, the number one Lyre player might think you are mocking him. (I see a few centurions at your gate Finnobar. Time to move out.)

9 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to ignore Tiny the WWF champ when he yells instructions. If you do, at best Tiny will only grab you and toss you over the wall. At worst, Tiny who just graduated from Gladiator school will take the opportunity to hone his skills. (Looks like you have the net and trident Flynn. Might not be a match for the mace and double-edged sword. I would suggest begging.)

8 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wear your I’m a Happy Christian t-shirt today. If you do, at best no one will notice it. At worst, since the fire is being blamed on Christians, you may meet a lion up close and personal. (I think you need to do more than the “nice kitty” statement, Flannagain.)

7 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to get a refund on your Circus Maximus tickets. If you do, at best no one will be at the ticket office. At worst, you will be last in a line of 10,000. (Not to worry, Flin. There is always a fire-check for the next show.)

6 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not walk around town with that torch. If you do, at best people will think you are connected. At worst, someone will get the idea you had something to do with the fire. (Now it looks like you really have to leave town, Fonzell. Wonder what’s happening in Naples?)

5 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not show people in the pub the plans for Domus Aurea, Nero’s palace to be built on the ruins. If you do, at best no one in the pub will understand what you have. At worst, one of the customers is a senator. (Looks like you are on the hook as the source of the fire, Forba. I think you ought to ask for a little traveling music and move on.)

4 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not try to put out the flames if there are thugs warning you not to do it. If you do, at best you might get a black eye. At worst, you might need to answer to Nero as to why you tried to stop the fire. (Not known for his largess, Nero may have you on the next train to Lionsville, Fortino.)

3 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not set up a smores stand. If you do, at best you’ll have a few customers. At worst, folks will take your cavalier attitude to heart. (Looks like a gang of residents heading this way have blood in their eye, Franko. Maybe its time to pack up.)

2 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not wait to evacuate. If you do, at best you might have to run for your life. At worst, you might get cut off and have to take a leap into Tiber River. (Sad thing about that sundial, Frang. Shoulda checked to see if it was waterproof before making the leap.)

1 If you are in Rome and it’s burning, do not think your hotel still offers room service. If you do, at best you’ll be disappointed. At worst, you’ll wait too long for service and forget to check out when your room starts burning. (Don’t think the bill will be overlooked, Frans. They will find you no matter how far and no matter how long.)

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Published by John W. Howell

I have been working in business for over forty years and now have the time to work in special areas of interest. My passion has always been to create compelling stories of fiction. I have authored six novels and am working on my Seventh. The first novel is still in manuscript form and being utilized as a door stop in the laundry room. The second is a contemporary fiction novel of 89,000 words and is complete and I am currently seeking a publisher. I also write poetry but have not had the guts to share any with anyone. The one time I read a piece to a person their only comment was, “it doesn’t rhyme.” I will continue to write and hopefully my blog, Fiction Favorites at www.johnwhowell.com will provide some entertainment and an interesting thought or two. I live in the Austin area with my wife Molly and an assortment of loving pets.

58 thoughts on “Top Ten things Not to Do While Rome Burns in AD 64”

  7. John,

    Those “I’m a Happy Christian” t-shirts are given out, gratis, at the door when you attend a Trump rally. Sorry, that was a cheap and way too easy shot at Christians, I take it back. I’m too impulsive sometimes.
    I like the idea of bringing ‘smores, not to sell, but to enjoy. I mean, might as well make ‘smores out of less, am I right? 🙂
    Peace and keeping Tiny happy

    Liked by 2 people

  14. You had me at the meme, John — too good! As a former Latin student, I can assure you this one was right up my alley. Perhaps my favorite thus far of your historical top tens.

    Liked by 1 person

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