This is another in the series of things not to do during historical occasions. Since today is the International Day of recognition for Vegetarians and Older Persons, I thought I would make fun of these occasions. Although I only do vegetarian every other day I am 100% an older person. I hope you like it.
The Top Ten Things Not to Do on the International Day of Vegetarians and Older Persons.
10 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not wear your “Vegetarians Eat What My Food Eats,” T-shirt. If you do, at best those you meet will wonder about you. At worst, that angry-looking gang at the tofu grill might decide that you need to go somewhere else. ( I’m not sure I would fool with the one swinging the nun-chucks, Faegan. He looks serious.)
9 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ about all the rabbit food on his plate. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, since Tiny has been a vegetarian for two hours, he might take offense to your comment. (Don’t worry, Fafner, although Tiny’s looks could kill he doesn’t plan to eat you. Yet.)
8 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go near Whole Foods if you plan to buy your normal red meat excesses. If you do, at best security will be heightened, and you’ll make it out of the store. At worst, you will come in contact with 100 of the most militant “I’d rather eat poop than meat, activists.” (You were warned, Fain. Now, I would just drop that standing rib roast and run for the exit.)
7 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not call your vegetarian neighbor and ask to borrow a cup of ground beef. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, they will call the police and file a hate crime complaint against you. (You should have checked out the city ordinance against mocking vegetarians before your call, Falke. Might have made a night in jail unnecessary.)
6 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not invite all your meat-eating friends over for a tofu turkey feast. If you do, at best you are going to run out of beer. At worst, your friends will believe you have lost your mind and need an intervention. (You have to wonder who ordered delivery of ten meat pizzas and buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Farah. They are only trying to help.)
5 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go door to door in your neighborhood handing out celery and carrot sticks to whoever answers the door. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are ill. At worst, the SWAT team will respond to numerous calls. (Your story about gifting veggies is falling on deaf ears, Farley. I would just confess to being drunk. Might be more comfortable in the long run.)
4 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not demonstrate in front of McDonald’s. If you do, at best the patrons will want you to drop dead. At worst, the manager who is eighteen years old will hit you with his personal MACE spray supply. (You might have a lawsuit, Farouk but you need to stop crying first.)
3 On Older Person’s Day, do not try to help an older person across the street. If you do, at best you’ll get advice to go somewhere else. At worst, the person will think you are after their belongings and use that hickory cane very effectively. (You’ll be able to breathe and walk in a few minutes, Farran. Remember no good deed goes unpunished.)
2 On Older Person’s Day, do not bring up the subject of quitting driving. If you do, at best there will be another argument. At worst, your older person will take you fro a demonstration cruise in their 1998 Mercury. (Those white knuckles are well deserved, Farris. Those were some pretty close calls.)
1 On Older Person’s Day, do not make dinner reservations for eight o’clock. If you do, at best your older person will need a meal before the meal. At worst, your older person will have an extended cocktail hour and do you the favor of passing out in the Vichyssoise. (You better help, Farruco. We could have a drowning incident here.)