Ten Things Not to Do on International Vegetarian and Older Person’s Day

~ John W. Howell

World Vegetarian Day

 

This is another in the series of things not to do during historical occasions. Since today is the International Day of recognition for Vegetarians and Older Persons, I thought I would make fun of these occasions. Although I only do vegetarian every other day I am 100% an older person. I hope you like it.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do on the International Day of Vegetarians and Older Persons.

10 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not wear your “Vegetarians Eat What My Food Eats,” T-shirt. If you do, at best those you meet will wonder about you. At worst, that angry-looking gang at the tofu grill might decide that you need to go somewhere else. ( I’m not sure I would fool with the one swinging the nun-chucks, Faegan. He looks serious.)

9 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ about all the rabbit food on his plate. If you do, at best he’ll not hear you. At worst, since Tiny has been a vegetarian for two hours, he might take offense to your comment. (Don’t worry, Fafner, although Tiny’s looks could kill he doesn’t plan to eat you. Yet.)

8 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go near Whole Foods if you plan to buy your normal red meat excesses. If you do, at best security will be heightened, and you’ll make it out of the store. At worst, you will come in contact with 100 of the most militant “I’d rather eat poop than meat, activists.” (You were warned, Fain. Now, I would just drop that standing rib roast and run for the exit.)

7 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not call your vegetarian neighbor and ask to borrow a cup of ground beef. If you do, at best they will hang up. At worst, they will call the police and file a hate crime complaint against you. (You should have checked out the city ordinance against mocking vegetarians before your call, Falke. Might have made a night in jail unnecessary.)

6 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not invite all your meat-eating friends over for a tofu turkey feast. If you do, at best you are going to run out of beer. At worst, your friends will believe you have lost your mind and need an intervention. (You have to wonder who ordered delivery of ten meat pizzas and buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken, Farah. They are only trying to help.)

5 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not go door to door in your neighborhood handing out celery and carrot sticks to whoever answers the door. If you do, at best your neighbors will think you are ill. At worst, the SWAT team will respond to numerous calls. (Your story about gifting veggies is falling on deaf ears, Farley. I would just confess to being drunk. Might be more comfortable in the long run.)

4 On Vegetarian’s Day, do not demonstrate in front of McDonald’s. If you do, at best the patrons will want you to drop dead. At worst, the manager who is eighteen years old will hit you with his personal MACE spray supply. (You might have a lawsuit, Farouk but you need to stop crying first.)

3 On Older Person’s Day, do not try to help an older person across the street. If you do, at best you’ll get advice to go somewhere else. At worst, the person will think you are after their belongings and use that hickory cane very effectively. (You’ll be able to breathe and walk in a few minutes, Farran. Remember no good deed goes unpunished.)

2 On Older Person’s Day, do not bring up the subject of quitting driving. If you do, at best there will be another argument. At worst, your older person will take you fro a demonstration cruise in their 1998 Mercury. (Those white knuckles are well deserved, Farris. Those were some pretty close calls.)

1 On Older Person’s Day, do not make dinner reservations for eight o’clock. If you do, at best your older person will need a meal before the meal. At worst, your older person will have an extended cocktail hour and do you the favor of passing out in the Vichyssoise. (You better help, Farruco. We could have a drowning incident here.)

62 thoughts on “Ten Things Not to Do on International Vegetarian and Older Person’s Day”

  7. Great list, John. We do sometimes have meatless meals, but no tofu for this boy, please.

    My daughter is a vegetarian and my wife endures many vegan fasting periods during the year. I don’t make fun. We are also at the stage where we can say we are old, but I can’t say “you are old” unless I want to be cooking my own veggies.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Good morning, John,
    I would add, “on Vegetarians’ Day, do not overdo on the cabbage, especially if you are an older person – or, at least, make sure no one walks behind you for at least two days.” 😀
    Have a good one,
    Pit

    Liked by 2 people

  15. I knew it was Vegetarian’s Day but not Older Person’s Day, so thanks for educating me, John. Love your list! Always nice when Monday rolls around and you entertain me with your wit!!

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Too funny!! After spending several days with a rigid “Vegan,” I can relate to most of the Vegetarian tips. 🙂 And, as far as the old person ones…well, I’m gonna ignore all of them. 🙂 Good ones, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Some of your best, John! I did not know my day was today. I am definitely an older person who would rather have 7 or 6 o’clock dinner reservations. And I don’t eat red meat unless I have to. Have a good week!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Ha, ha! Great list, John! I don’t eat red meat but my husband does, so I cracked up with number 8. My brother tried #2 with my mom––it wasn’t pretty. :/ Fun post!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Boss,

    I need a couple shots and a bloody steak after reading this, and not in that particular order. As far as Tiny is concerned, I give him an A for effort, even if he spits out his veggies. Basically, he gets an A from me regardless.
    Ten meat pizzas and several buckets of KFC sounds like my kind of night! You can find me at the extended cocktail hour . . .

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Happy vegetarian and older person day! We have added the tofu turkey to our Thanksgiving meals. I have not yet tried it…this list had me laughing and loved the combo of the two.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. This was sooo funny, John! Tiny as a vegetarian for two hours (that was side splitting) and the 18 year old manager at Mc Donald’s. Best laugh of the day! 😅

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Great advice, John, especially about helping older people. I once tried helping an elderly lady reach something off a top shelve in a supermarket. She wasn’t very happy with me and told me that she could reach it herself. As I walked away, I heard the item hit the floor and smash. Of course, when the staff appeared, she blamed me!

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  25. Somehow this post was up in one of my tabs, unread… sheesh!
    Vegetarianism is a concept I shall never adopt 100% – I’ll do meals for sure but that’s it. I need my blood…
    Tiny – even attempting to eat vegetarian deserves kudos…

    Liked by 1 person

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