Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636

 

harvard

This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.

The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)

9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)

8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)

7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)

6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)

5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)

4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)

3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)

2  If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)

1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)

61 comments

  1. Wow, smart people were going to College in America before the English started sending there convicts here (Australia, the penal settlement).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you are correct. Thanks, Melissa.

      Like

  2. Gwen Plano · · Reply

    Hilarious, John. 😀 We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? I remember when Radcliffe and Harvard merged in 1977 (seems like yesterday, right?).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a memory, Gwen. I’m afraid I did’t really care then. 😀

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  3. Didn’t a lot of Harvard men have something to do with killing witches up in Salem? Increase Mather was the president of Harvard (By the way, what kind of name is Increase?) and he and his son Cotton (another wonderful name) rushed to Salem to save the Colony from witches. And they’re running Harvard? Jesus H. Christ, give me a break. Happy birthday Harvard. You haven’t changed much in all these years. Still full of yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “Full of yourself” reminds me of the old joke. A freshman goes up to an upperclassman and asks, “Where is the student union at?” The upper classman gives a lecture about how Harvard men do not end a sentence with a preposition. He then asks the freshman to rephrase his question. The freshman says, “Where is the student union at asshole?”

      Liked by 2 people

  4. By the way … do people “park” their horses? Just askin’.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Some tenderfoot who goes back in time would ask, “Where do I park this horse.”

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh my gosh! This was hilarious, John. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.) LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess he wasn’t successful 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Good to see #1 has existed from the beginning. That’s always a wallet, heart, and sanity breaker.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Mostly sanity since the profs are supposed to give text book listings before the term starts.

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      1. I was in a few courses where the professor was switched at the final hour, so the book list changed as well. Those were heart breakers.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I had the same experience. Money was pretty tight then.

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  7. At least those books can help cook the squirrels.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hilarious, John. Squirrel stew and the horse in the parking lot – love it!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Darn, I always buy my books ahead of time at the used bookstore. Maybe I can sell them to someone trying to get into Yale in a few years.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Or cook a pheasant over them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. or a peasant!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. That works too.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Well, #2, if I can’t park my horse, I ‘ain’t’ gonna attend the big ‘H’! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know what you mean.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Maybe not Harvard after all. Smiles. This was fun to read. The history of how this country began never gets old. I like the humorous side .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you like the humerous side. That’s all I got.

      Like

  12. Gee, I wonder what the tuition was back then? Probably way cheaper than it is today, huh? Good to know we Americans have long prized education though!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A cow a semester.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. And what did Harvard do with all those cows??

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Served them to the students. Was a renewable resource

        Liked by 1 person

      3. How eco-friendly. Way ahead of their time!

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Seems that way.

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  13. Laughed out loud at #10 – a kegger in 1636.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You can see that wooden barrel being rolled out though. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Hilarious, John. Parking your horse in the faculty parking lot cracked me up. It’s hard to try and imagine the reality of the time. I find it interesting to learn that it was originally created to educate clergymen. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I didn’t know that, Jan. Makes sense though.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. D.L Finn, Author · · Reply

    Definitely wasn’t the times for a kegger:) Another great and educational list!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Denise. Not sure abut the educational part. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. D.L Finn, Author · ·

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Great educational set, dear John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Maria.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. No keggers? Say it ain’t so, John. This is a great list, I’m guessing even if it was the only school in New england, i couldn’t get in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Good one

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out this timely post from John Howell’s Fiction Favorites blog with The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Don.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. I cannot believe that the first sex blind admissions were only in 1977. That is incredible!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Seems so. The school was founded as an all male college. Might explain it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, I suppose that does explain it. It seemed a bit unreasonable.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. John,

    I did not know that as per admissions. 1977 . . wowza.

    And yes, I thought that WAS the acronym for Yale! Just for funzies. Because those Ivy League peeps can be a hoot when they’re not wearing pocket protectors.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Yes they can be a hoot.

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Are the names made up or are they real names from that cohort and representative of the composition?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The names are real. I use a letter that is the same for each.

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  22. Shame there were no computers and eBay around at that time to sell all those unwanted used books.
    And Tiny with a big paddle? That sounds very dangerous, even if he only wants to use it to go boating or fancied shaping some butter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL on the shaping buter, Hugh. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  23. Isaac Allerton, son of the Pilgrim Isaac Allerton, attended Harvard. He already drank beer!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Excellent. He fit right in.

      Like

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    Liked by 1 person

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      Like

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        Liked by 1 person

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