This post continues the Top Ten Things Not to Do with history as a backdrop. Harvard College, the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, is founded in Cambridge, Mass on this day in 1636.
The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.
10 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not suggest a celebration with a kegger party. If you do, at best the kegger store will be closed. At worst, the administration will create a rule against keggers. (Congratulations, Fyodor. You are the first student at the college to be put on probation.)
9 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not pledge a fraternity where Tiny the WWF champ is a member. If you do, at best Tiny will flunk out before you get there. At worst, Tiny who was just criticized by the dean for necessary hazing had ordered you to bend over. (Let’s hope the dean lecture has not made Tiny even angrier, Frederick. Is that paddle as big as it looks?)
8 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not organize a demonstration protesting the dorm food. If you do, at best no one will join you. At worst, the college put you in charge of food procurement. (Looks like your fellow students are getting tired of squirrel stew, Falcon. I think I would try to raise a few vegetables if I were you.)
7 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not cut class on the first warm day. If you do, at best you can get notes from the nerd, At worst, your professor will pull a pop quiz that is 20% of the term grade. (No amount of begging is going to help, Fallon. I would go to the infirmary and see if you can con someone into an excuse.)
6 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize a football team. If you do, at best no one will know what you are talking about. At worst, you’ll find some players who are ready to play but can’t see a ball. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.)
5 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not go outside wearing that Yale sweatshirt. If you do, at best no one will notice since Yale was founded in 1701. At worst, someone will take offense thinking Yale is an acronym for Young American Liquor Enterprise. (You have to understand the Puritan Ethic is still pretty strong, Fiorello. The time in the stocks will go fast. Think positive.)
4 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not fail to return your library book on time. If you do, at best the fine is only 1p a week. At worst, a press-gang will come looking for you. (It would have been easier to return the book, Ferril. Now you won’t get back to the College until your sea duty is over. Five years will go pretty quickly.)
3 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not try to organize the first co-ed dance. If you do, at best your fellow students will just laugh. At worst the administration will pass a rule prohibiting co-ed dancing. (Good luck finding a co-ed, Fabrice. The first sex-blind admissions were not until 1977. Oh, and you need to serve time on the dunking chair due to the rule violation. I hope those hold your breath contests come in handy.)
2 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not park your horse in the faculty parking lot. If you do, at best no one will need the space. At worst, professor Curmudgeon will alert campus security to shoot you on sight. (Never thought taking a tenured professor’s parking place was that big of a deal, huh Faddei. Those musket balls look like they would hurt.)
1 If you are at the founding of Harvard, do not buy your books ahead of time at the used bookstore. If you do, at best you might save money. At worst, the professor will change the course text with no notice. (Well, looks like your used books will make an excellent fire starter, Fadil. Better luck next term)
Fiction Favorites 
Wow, smart people were going to College in America before the English started sending there convicts here (Australia, the penal settlement).
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I think you are correct. Thanks, Melissa.
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Hilarious, John. 😀 We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? I remember when Radcliffe and Harvard merged in 1977 (seems like yesterday, right?).
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What a memory, Gwen. I’m afraid I did’t really care then. 😀
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Didn’t a lot of Harvard men have something to do with killing witches up in Salem? Increase Mather was the president of Harvard (By the way, what kind of name is Increase?) and he and his son Cotton (another wonderful name) rushed to Salem to save the Colony from witches. And they’re running Harvard? Jesus H. Christ, give me a break. Happy birthday Harvard. You haven’t changed much in all these years. Still full of yourself.
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“Full of yourself” reminds me of the old joke. A freshman goes up to an upperclassman and asks, “Where is the student union at?” The upper classman gives a lecture about how Harvard men do not end a sentence with a preposition. He then asks the freshman to rephrase his question. The freshman says, “Where is the student union at asshole?”
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By the way … do people “park” their horses? Just askin’.
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Some tenderfoot who goes back in time would ask, “Where do I park this horse.”
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Oh my gosh! This was hilarious, John. (Looks like you will have to make one, Fraser. Try to get it a little rounder okay. That thing looks like a fat sausage.) LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I guess he wasn’t successful 😀
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Good to see #1 has existed from the beginning. That’s always a wallet, heart, and sanity breaker.
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Mostly sanity since the profs are supposed to give text book listings before the term starts.
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I was in a few courses where the professor was switched at the final hour, so the book list changed as well. Those were heart breakers.
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I had the same experience. Money was pretty tight then.
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At least those books can help cook the squirrels.
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Good point.
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🙂
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Hilarious, John. Squirrel stew and the horse in the parking lot – love it!
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🙂
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Darn, I always buy my books ahead of time at the used bookstore. Maybe I can sell them to someone trying to get into Yale in a few years.
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Or cook a pheasant over them.
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or a peasant!
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That works too.
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Well, #2, if I can’t park my horse, I ‘ain’t’ gonna attend the big ‘H’! ♥
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I know what you mean.
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Maybe not Harvard after all. Smiles. This was fun to read. The history of how this country began never gets old. I like the humorous side .
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I’m glad you like the humerous side. That’s all I got.
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Gee, I wonder what the tuition was back then? Probably way cheaper than it is today, huh? Good to know we Americans have long prized education though!
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A cow a semester.
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And what did Harvard do with all those cows??
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Served them to the students. Was a renewable resource
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How eco-friendly. Way ahead of their time!
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Seems that way.
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Laughed out loud at #10 – a kegger in 1636.
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You can see that wooden barrel being rolled out though. 😀
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Hilarious, John. Parking your horse in the faculty parking lot cracked me up. It’s hard to try and imagine the reality of the time. I find it interesting to learn that it was originally created to educate clergymen. Great post!
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I didn’t know that, Jan. Makes sense though.
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Definitely wasn’t the times for a kegger:) Another great and educational list!
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Thank you, Denise. Not sure abut the educational part. 😀
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🙂
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Great educational set, dear John.
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Thank you, Maria.
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No keggers? Say it ain’t so, John. This is a great list, I’m guessing even if it was the only school in New england, i couldn’t get in.
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Ha ha ha. Good one
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out this timely post from John Howell’s Fiction Favorites blog with The Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Founding of Harvard College in 1636.
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Thank you, Don.
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You’re welcome.
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I cannot believe that the first sex blind admissions were only in 1977. That is incredible!
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Seems so. The school was founded as an all male college. Might explain it.
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Yes, I suppose that does explain it. It seemed a bit unreasonable.
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John,
I did not know that as per admissions. 1977 . . wowza.
And yes, I thought that WAS the acronym for Yale! Just for funzies. Because those Ivy League peeps can be a hoot when they’re not wearing pocket protectors.
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Ha ha ha. Yes they can be a hoot.
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Are the names made up or are they real names from that cohort and representative of the composition?
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The names are real. I use a letter that is the same for each.
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Shame there were no computers and eBay around at that time to sell all those unwanted used books.
And Tiny with a big paddle? That sounds very dangerous, even if he only wants to use it to go boating or fancied shaping some butter.
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LOL on the shaping buter, Hugh. 😀
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Isaac Allerton, son of the Pilgrim Isaac Allerton, attended Harvard. He already drank beer!
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Excellent. He fit right in.
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Thank you so much for the visit, Assia. I wish you well and believe your blog will garner a lot of interest. Best wishes.
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Thank u. You’re the best!!
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