Top Ten Things Not to Do at Napoleon’s Emperor Crowning Ceremony in 1804

~ John W. Howell

napoleon-bonaparte

 

This post continues the Top Ten things not to do with a historical backdrop. On December 2, 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte himself Emperor of France. If you were there here are at least ten things that I hope you did not do. I hope you enjoy this list.

10 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not boo when he takes the crown from the pope and puts it on his head. If you do, at best do it quietly. At worst, you will be the new Emperor’s first guest at the guillotine. (This didn’t turn out the way you planned huh, Guy? Who would have thought the Emperor had no sense of humor? Hello, like everyone knew that, idiot.)

9 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not rush up to congratulate the new Emperor. If you do, at best, too many will be ahead of you. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ has been given the job of the Emperor’s bodyguard. (It is just your luck, Georgio that Tiny reacts to motion as opposed to intellect. Maybe the court doctor can reset those bones. In the meantime, drink more Champaign.)

8 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not think your old buddy is the same good guy as before becoming Emperor. If you do, at best, your hug of congratulations will be forgiven. At worst, you will wake up in the dungeon facing an assault charge. (For as many times as you and Boney partied together this comes as a complete surprise right, Garrett? Don’t worry I’m sure your buddy will reconsider. I would not hold your breath waiting though.)

7 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not wear your “Bring Back Louis XVI,” t-shirt. If you do, at best it will be taken as a joke. At worst, you will be the second guillotine guest of the Emperor. ( Whatever were you thinking when you decided to wear that shirt, Gunther? Sure it was your color but come on. )

6 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not overdo the champagne toasts. If you do, at best you have a terrible headache tomorrow. At worst, although you meant to say only complimentary comments in your last toast somehow it didn’t come out the way you planned. (Congratulations, Gallagher you are now a field marshal in charge of the Siberian front. Don’t forget your long underwear.)

5 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not ask Josephine to dance. If you do, at best she’ll say no thank you. At worst the full effect of the tap on the shoulder for a cut in by the Emperor will be realized. (What you didn’t know is the Emperor is a very jealous man. That tap signaled the home guard to drop you off in Spain, Garson.  Hope you enjoy paella.)

4 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not fail to laugh at the Emperor’s jokes. If you do, at best you can feign a cough. At worst, even though the Emperor tells the lousiest jokes the laughing guards will see you out. (Maybe a lesson learned, Garcia. I’ll bet you are hoping these laughing guards are going to see you home safely. That dungeon straight ahead might mean otherwise.)

3 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not make comments about the Emperors New Clothes. If you do, at best every one read the story. At worst, Napoleon who has not read the story will believe he is naked. (You know what they say about the messenger, Giuseppe. Sayonara.)

2 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not do karaoke. If you do, at best your song will be Happy Days Are Here Again. At worst, your song will be The Bohemian Rhapsody. (Good luck with the Freddy Mercury part, Grover. Just your luck the Emperor is a big fan of Queen.)

1 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not offer to fire the cannon in salute. If you do, at best the wick will go out. At worst, your cannon is not aimed well, and you just took out the Emperor’s bedroom. (You could offer your place for sleeping, Gebek or maybe better, just start running.)

50 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at Napoleon’s Emperor Crowning Ceremony in 1804”

  3. Oh yes, don’t even think of messing with Empress Josephine! And where can one get a Bring Back Louis XVI T-shirt? I’d like one of those. He was crowned in Notre Dame Cathedral I believe, and I just posted an article about it. Great minds do think alike.

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  5. “For as many times as you and Boney partied together…” I love that line, John. I will count myself lucky to retire without having been made to do karaoke at a function (some of my coworkers have not been so lucky) – who thinks that is ever a good idea? Great list – makes me glad for being a wall flower,

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  6. Another hilarious list, John. I especially liked #2. You amaze me at how you think up these crazy things. Thanks for the morning laughter, always welcomed!! 😀

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  8. We missed Napoleon’s crowning ceremony……again. The invite keeps getting lost in the mail but at least we know what not to do next time. Though I don’t think we will go. The wife’s been telling me I need a replacement for the blue suit and she’s been looking for an event just like this to push the issue.

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  10. Another hilarious don’t list of ten things, John. With Tiny as the Emperor’s bodyguard, I doubt you’d need to worry about the dungeon. You’d be lucky to make it that far. After Tiny gets through with you the guillotine might look like it would have been a better choice. 😀 — Suzanne

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    1. There a re a few Tiny fans out there who like Tiny are easily distracted. If I put his mention any further down the list they will become bored and leave the post. Of course, they will leave a comment about no Tiny before going.

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