Top Ten Things Not to Do at Napoleon’s Emperor Crowning Ceremony in 1804

napoleon-bonaparte

 

This post continues the Top Ten things not to do with a historical backdrop. On December 2, 1804, Napoleon Bonaparte himself Emperor of France. If you were there here are at least ten things that I hope you did not do. I hope you enjoy this list.

10 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not boo when he takes the crown from the pope and puts it on his head. If you do, at best do it quietly. At worst, you will be the new Emperor’s first guest at the guillotine. (This didn’t turn out the way you planned huh, Guy? Who would have thought the Emperor had no sense of humor? Hello, like everyone knew that, idiot.)

9 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not rush up to congratulate the new Emperor. If you do, at best, too many will be ahead of you. At worst, Tiny the WWF champ has been given the job of the Emperor’s bodyguard. (It is just your luck, Georgio that Tiny reacts to motion as opposed to intellect. Maybe the court doctor can reset those bones. In the meantime, drink more Champaign.)

8 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not think your old buddy is the same good guy as before becoming Emperor. If you do, at best, your hug of congratulations will be forgiven. At worst, you will wake up in the dungeon facing an assault charge. (For as many times as you and Boney partied together this comes as a complete surprise right, Garrett? Don’t worry I’m sure your buddy will reconsider. I would not hold your breath waiting though.)

7 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not wear your “Bring Back Louis XVI,” t-shirt. If you do, at best it will be taken as a joke. At worst, you will be the second guillotine guest of the Emperor. ( Whatever were you thinking when you decided to wear that shirt, Gunther? Sure it was your color but come on. )

6 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not overdo the champagne toasts. If you do, at best you have a terrible headache tomorrow. At worst, although you meant to say only complimentary comments in your last toast somehow it didn’t come out the way you planned. (Congratulations, Gallagher you are now a field marshal in charge of the Siberian front. Don’t forget your long underwear.)

5 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not ask Josephine to dance. If you do, at best she’ll say no thank you. At worst the full effect of the tap on the shoulder for a cut in by the Emperor will be realized. (What you didn’t know is the Emperor is a very jealous man. That tap signaled the home guard to drop you off in Spain, Garson.  Hope you enjoy paella.)

4 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not fail to laugh at the Emperor’s jokes. If you do, at best you can feign a cough. At worst, even though the Emperor tells the lousiest jokes the laughing guards will see you out. (Maybe a lesson learned, Garcia. I’ll bet you are hoping these laughing guards are going to see you home safely. That dungeon straight ahead might mean otherwise.)

3 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not make comments about the Emperors New Clothes. If you do, at best every one read the story. At worst, Napoleon who has not read the story will believe he is naked. (You know what they say about the messenger, Giuseppe. Sayonara.)

2 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not do karaoke. If you do, at best your song will be Happy Days Are Here Again. At worst, your song will be The Bohemian Rhapsody. (Good luck with the Freddy Mercury part, Grover. Just your luck the Emperor is a big fan of Queen.)

1 At Napoleon’s crowning, do not offer to fire the cannon in salute. If you do, at best the wick will go out. At worst, your cannon is not aimed well, and you just took out the Emperor’s bedroom. (You could offer your place for sleeping, Gebek or maybe better, just start running.)

50 comments

  1. I think I’d do #1 and not regret it. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I like # 3. He did think he looked sharp in his uniform full of medals.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. True. Thanks, GP.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh yes, don’t even think of messing with Empress Josephine! And where can one get a Bring Back Louis XVI T-shirt? I’d like one of those. He was crowned in Notre Dame Cathedral I believe, and I just posted an article about it. Great minds do think alike.

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    1. Yes he was crowned at Notre Dame Cathedral. I think you can get a Louis XVI t-shirt in the Cathedral gift shop. (maybe)

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  4. Too funny, John. Loved #2! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Jill. Glad you liked it.

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  5. “For as many times as you and Boney partied together…” I love that line, John. I will count myself lucky to retire without having been made to do karaoke at a function (some of my coworkers have not been so lucky) – who thinks that is ever a good idea? Great list – makes me glad for being a wall flower,

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think the drinkers of the world enjoy karaoke.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Gwen Plano · · Reply

    Another hilarious list, John. I especially liked #2. You amaze me at how you think up these crazy things. Thanks for the morning laughter, always welcomed!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you enjoyed it, Gwen.

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  7. Loved #8 and Boney, and #3. And the T-shirt is hilarious! Great post, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jennie

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, John.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. We missed Napoleon’s crowning ceremony……again. The invite keeps getting lost in the mail but at least we know what not to do next time. Though I don’t think we will go. The wife’s been telling me I need a replacement for the blue suit and she’s been looking for an event just like this to push the issue.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I understand. Maybe you could get to the mailbox first and deep six the invite.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Another hilarious don’t list of ten things, John. With Tiny as the Emperor’s bodyguard, I doubt you’d need to worry about the dungeon. You’d be lucky to make it that far. After Tiny gets through with you the guillotine might look like it would have been a better choice. 😀 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha haha. Thanks, Suzanne. I suspect you are correct.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Great list, John. Perhaps it’s just as well that I wasn’t invited to the festivities. Something tells me it’s safer to steer a wide berth away from Tony!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes he is a bear. Thanks, Debbie.

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  11. Lol! I think my pick of all these is #1. Taking out the emperor’s bedroom wouldn’t be a good idea. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. D.L Finn, Author · · Reply

    Great list John, although I’d have a hard time with 2 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha haha. Me too, Denise.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to sing Waterloo as my karaoke number.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Question: Why does poor tiny always get the number nine slot? Can’t you move him up to eight or maybe seven? Just sayin’.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. There a re a few Tiny fans out there who like Tiny are easily distracted. If I put his mention any further down the list they will become bored and leave the post. Of course, they will leave a comment about no Tiny before going.

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  15. These are hilarious, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Luanne

      Liked by 1 person

  16. These are really creative. As it happens, I just learned how the pastry called a Napolean got its name. I suppose it would be better not to refer to the fellow himself as a cream puff; he might take offense.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the history of the pastry. Thanks, Linda. (I also love the pastry.)

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  17. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out this great post from John Howell on this Fiction Favorites blog with the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO AT NAPOLEON’S EMPEROR CROWNING CEREMONY IN 1804

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the reblog, Don.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Great set, dear John! And don’t bring the cake and cognac! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Hopefully they’ll have some.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. 🙂 🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  19. John,

    There was an awful lot of guillotine involved in their problem solving back then. Between that and all those plagues, no wonder the population never boomed!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know. Gives rise to the idea of a shirt. “Got Guillotine”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now available in the Dungeon Gift Shop!

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Laughing my head off at all of them, but especially #10. Good to see there’s no mention of making fun of Napoleon’s height, John. I think you’re safe because of that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Hugh. Want to keep it above the belt. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Excellent, John. Napoleon is such a great historical figure to write a top ten post about.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He is for sure. Thanks, Robbie.

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