Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves in 1540

~ John W. Howell

 

Anne of Cleves

This post is a continuation of Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since Sunday was the four hundred and seventy-ninth anniversary of King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne of Cleves, I thought if you had an invitation to the wedding I would give you some pointers on how to stay out of trouble. Of course, the marriage only lasted six months but still a beautiful event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves by John W. Howell © 2019

10 If you attend the wedding, do not show up late. If you do, at best no one will notice especially the groom. At worst Henry will spot you coming in late, and by the look on his face, he isn’t happy. (Now you have gone and done it, Gunnolf. Henry was looking for someone to practice his wife removal system, and it seems like you will be the one.)

9 If you attend the wedding, do not try to outdo Tiny the WWF champ on his toast to the bride and groom. If you do, at best Tiny will have had enough champagne and not be offended. At worst, Tiny will have had too much champagne and having just graduated from a Dale Carnegie course on speaking take offense to your action. (Don’t worry, Gustaof. That hammer lock doesn’t usually result in a broken bone. OMG, I could hear that snap from here. My bad.)

8 If you attend the wedding, do not try to bring an old wedding gift of yours to regift. If you do, at best your card will get lost. At worst, the king will recognize the present as the one he gave you at your wedding. (Remember those lands and the castle Hank awarded you last year, Guyapi? They now belong to your idiot brother-in-law.)

7 If you attend the wedding, do not try to make a funny speech after you have had a lot to drink. If you do, at best someone will take you out before any real damage. At worst, you rambled on until you hit one of the kings sensitive issues. (I guess you don’t remember too much about your speech, Gwern. I would begin to make up a perfect apology for that unfunny joke about the three previous Mrs. Henry the Eights.)

6 If you attend the wedding, do not try to upstage the bride and groom with outrageous clothes and behavior. If you do, at best you will look like a fool. At worst, Henry will take note of your action and at the faire, he will pair you with Ivan the Brutal in the jousting match. (Ivan sure has a fast horse and large lance, Gwyddawg. I think you might want to consider just falling off your horse before he makes contact. So you are accused of cowardice. Sure beats a classy funeral.)

5 If you attend the wedding, do not ask for seconds at dinner. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, the chef will ask the king if it is okay to give you another helping. (They say Henry is not moved to anger too quickly, but you have tipped him over, Gustav. It seems he is not pleased to go over his wedding budget by one dinner.)

4 If you attend the wedding, do not insist on dancing with the bride. If you do, at best there will be too many ahead of you. At worst, you get your chance and suddenly remember you don’t know how to dance. (This is somewhat awkward, Gene. You can’t just stand there holding the bride’s hand. Oops too late. Henry thinks you are hitting on his new wife. Can you say sayonara?)

3 If you attend the wedding, do not compliment the king on his choice of wives. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are mocking him. (It seems Henry did not want to marry Anne because he thought her too plain. The marriage was annulled six months later but since you are still in the dungeon, Garret, you won’t know. Seems you hit a sore spot.)

2 If you attend the wedding, do not think you can bring guests of your own. If you do, at best they’ll get lost in the crowd. At worst, you will be dismayed to see all your guests fawning over the king. (The king wants to have a word with you, Gace. I think I would just jump the moat and make your getaway.)

1 If you attend the wedding, do not believe the big table filled with gifts is there as favors for the guests. If you do, at best someone will set you straight. At worst, you will be halfway to the door with a gift tucked under your arm when you run into the king. (He wonders where you are going with that gift, Guilio. I think I would tell him you were just returning it to the gift table and then do it. A fast exit is indicated here as well.)

 

61 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves in 1540”

  6. John,

    This makes going to ANY wedding from here on out pressure free! I mean, between Tiny and his dancing shoes, the King’s wife removal system and Ivan the Brutal . . yikes!

    Love your lists.

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  10. I hope any drunks at the wedding mumbled and didn’t annunciate. I remember reading a piece that said Anne made out like a bandit after the annulment. It said she stayed single, had a number of children, and lived very well as Henry VIII’s dear sister. Maybe he should have gritted his teeth and stayed married to her to get a male heir. She might not have benefitted as well though and ended up on the chopping block. 😦 — Suzanne

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  22. LOL. Henry VIII is so much fun to make fun of. Little did he know we would still be laughing at him today. Of course, we wouldn’t have dared during his time. I think the little plain German, Anne, was smarter than we give her credit. She kept her head and did OK financially.

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