Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves in 1540

 

Anne of Cleves

This post is a continuation of Ten Things Not to Do with a historical background. Since Sunday was the four hundred and seventy-ninth anniversary of King Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne of Cleves, I thought if you had an invitation to the wedding I would give you some pointers on how to stay out of trouble. Of course, the marriage only lasted six months but still a beautiful event.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves by John W. Howell © 2019

10 If you attend the wedding, do not show up late. If you do, at best no one will notice especially the groom. At worst Henry will spot you coming in late, and by the look on his face, he isn’t happy. (Now you have gone and done it, Gunnolf. Henry was looking for someone to practice his wife removal system, and it seems like you will be the one.)

9 If you attend the wedding, do not try to outdo Tiny the WWF champ on his toast to the bride and groom. If you do, at best Tiny will have had enough champagne and not be offended. At worst, Tiny will have had too much champagne and having just graduated from a Dale Carnegie course on speaking take offense to your action. (Don’t worry, Gustaof. That hammer lock doesn’t usually result in a broken bone. OMG, I could hear that snap from here. My bad.)

8 If you attend the wedding, do not try to bring an old wedding gift of yours to regift. If you do, at best your card will get lost. At worst, the king will recognize the present as the one he gave you at your wedding. (Remember those lands and the castle Hank awarded you last year, Guyapi? They now belong to your idiot brother-in-law.)

7 If you attend the wedding, do not try to make a funny speech after you have had a lot to drink. If you do, at best someone will take you out before any real damage. At worst, you rambled on until you hit one of the kings sensitive issues. (I guess you don’t remember too much about your speech, Gwern. I would begin to make up a perfect apology for that unfunny joke about the three previous Mrs. Henry the Eights.)

6 If you attend the wedding, do not try to upstage the bride and groom with outrageous clothes and behavior. If you do, at best you will look like a fool. At worst, Henry will take note of your action and at the faire, he will pair you with Ivan the Brutal in the jousting match. (Ivan sure has a fast horse and large lance, Gwyddawg. I think you might want to consider just falling off your horse before he makes contact. So you are accused of cowardice. Sure beats a classy funeral.)

5 If you attend the wedding, do not ask for seconds at dinner. If you do, at best no one will know. At worst, the chef will ask the king if it is okay to give you another helping. (They say Henry is not moved to anger too quickly, but you have tipped him over, Gustav. It seems he is not pleased to go over his wedding budget by one dinner.)

4 If you attend the wedding, do not insist on dancing with the bride. If you do, at best there will be too many ahead of you. At worst, you get your chance and suddenly remember you don’t know how to dance. (This is somewhat awkward, Gene. You can’t just stand there holding the bride’s hand. Oops too late. Henry thinks you are hitting on his new wife. Can you say sayonara?)

3 If you attend the wedding, do not compliment the king on his choice of wives. If you do, at best he will ignore you. At worst, he will think you are mocking him. (It seems Henry did not want to marry Anne because he thought her too plain. The marriage was annulled six months later but since you are still in the dungeon, Garret, you won’t know. Seems you hit a sore spot.)

2 If you attend the wedding, do not think you can bring guests of your own. If you do, at best they’ll get lost in the crowd. At worst, you will be dismayed to see all your guests fawning over the king. (The king wants to have a word with you, Gace. I think I would just jump the moat and make your getaway.)

1 If you attend the wedding, do not believe the big table filled with gifts is there as favors for the guests. If you do, at best someone will set you straight. At worst, you will be halfway to the door with a gift tucked under your arm when you run into the king. (He wonders where you are going with that gift, Guilio. I think I would tell him you were just returning it to the gift table and then do it. A fast exit is indicated here as well.)

 

61 comments

  1. #4 would be my fate if I had too much mead. I assume beheading is the true end result of all these.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Beheading woud be the result of choice if henry had his way. And why no? He’s the king.

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      1. It’s good to be the king?

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Haha, John, very good. I believe that Anne of Cleves wore a wig and that did not go down well with her husband. She was lucky though, he divorced her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And gave her two castles and land.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. LOL! Great list, John! Number 4 cracks me up. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was something I would do. Stand there like an idiot.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL. Thanks, Craig.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. He’s not exactly a king with a sense of humor!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would say not. He looks jolly but looks can be deceiving.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. John,

    This makes going to ANY wedding from here on out pressure free! I mean, between Tiny and his dancing shoes, the King’s wife removal system and Ivan the Brutal . . yikes!

    Love your lists.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Marc. I think it would be funny to toast Henry with “So here’s to many more weddings such as this.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Buahahaha! Me and you could be wedding crashers. We’d have to have an exit strategy, like . . a really good one.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Like know where the door to the outside is at all times.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Gwen Plano · ·

    Hillarious, John. Weddings are always a bit touchy, but this one “takes the cake”. #3 was a hoot…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Gwen.

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  7. Best stay quietly in my corner. Definitely would not want any undue attention…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Undue attention quickly turns into undivided attention which has as its reward the business side of an ax. I agree. In fact, we should stay here.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Too true. Best we should.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. See, this is why I don’t do well at fancy social events – so much nuance…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very true. And being from here I suppose we would make a lot of mistakes.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I hope any drunks at the wedding mumbled and didn’t annunciate. I remember reading a piece that said Anne made out like a bandit after the annulment. It said she stayed single, had a number of children, and lived very well as Henry VIII’s dear sister. Maybe he should have gritted his teeth and stayed married to her to get a male heir. She might not have benefitted as well though and ended up on the chopping block. 😦 — Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She was liked by the King and is buried in Westminster Abby. Thanks, Suzanne.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. D.L Finn, Author · ·

    You would think the King had weddings down by now…lol. Great list John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You would for sure. Thanks, Denise.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Need to make sure attend with no one

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is the safest. Thanks, Andrew

      Liked by 1 person

      1. wishing you all of the beauty and success life has to offer this 2019

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, Andrew. ll the best to you

        Liked by 1 person

  12. #4 and ‘Mead’! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I wonder if Henry married just for the gifts and the honeymoon? Of course, I won’t ask him. You can do that for me, John. At least Anne survived the plight of being locked in The Tower of London.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, Anne and Henry never consumated their marrage. I don’t think it was the honeymoon.

      Liked by 1 person

  14. When I read the title, I knew this would be another good one, John. Thanks for the laughs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you could laugh, Teri. Thanks for letting me know.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Lots of good advice here, John, whether attending the king’s nuptials or a wedding today. Love how Tiny always makes a special appearance, too!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He’s under contract. Thanks, Debbie.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Amazing, dear John! !!!! Very creative & helpful tips to save your head on. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Saving your head is important. (Need a place for your hat.)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Or for a crown! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  17. Number Eleven: Don’t die of syphilis.
    Great post, John, as usual.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha haha. Thanks, Hook

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  18. And if you’re part of the planning committee for the nuptials, for gosh sakes’ don’t book this group!

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    1. Ha ha ha. Herman’s Hermits were very popular with the older folk when I was much younger. I guess it was their lively , self effacing manner.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. They formed in 1964, which was my senior year in high school. Now that I think of it, that was quite some time ago!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Ha ha ha. I had graduated from college in 1964. Yes it was a while ago.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
    Check out another top ten list from John Howell’s blog. This one is the Top Ten Things Not to Do at Henry VIII’s Marriage to Anne of Cleves

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, Don

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome.

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Really funny, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jennie.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, John.

        Liked by 1 person

  21. LOL. Henry VIII is so much fun to make fun of. Little did he know we would still be laughing at him today. Of course, we wouldn’t have dared during his time. I think the little plain German, Anne, was smarter than we give her credit. She kept her head and did OK financially.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She did for sure. Thanks, Darlene.

      Liked by 1 person

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