This week marks the 245th anniversary of Ethan Allen’s capture by the British during his ill-fated attempt to capture Montreal. You may recall Ethan Allen was the American revolution’s first hero by capturing Fort Ticonderoga on Lake Champlain. The Fort gave the Revolutionary army almost 100 state-of-the-art captured cannons and artillery pieces. These were later used to significant effect in defeating the British army.
Unfortunately, after his Canadian invasion failure, Allen spent the next 30 months in prison in England and Ireland. He was finally released in trade for a British officer. He returned to Valley Forge where Washington gave him a hero’s welcome. I’m sure you all would like to take a time trip back there and join Ethan in what was an exciting adventure. Sure it didn’t end well for Ethan but was a moment in history well remembered. Also, take this list and stay out of trouble.
Top Ten Things Not to Do While Ivading Canada with Ethan Allen in 1775.
10 If you are invading Canada, do not think the 130 men with you are going to overpower the British. If you do, at best the British powder got wet in the rain. At worst, facing an overwhelming force all but 32 of the men ran away. ( So here you are, Jaiden left with Colonial Allen and 31 other idiots. Those red coat muskets look pretty worrisome. Maybe surrender is the best course here. After all, you always liked a proper English breakfast.)
9 If you are invading Canada, do not get in the way of Tiny the WWF champ as he is making a fast exit to the rear. If you do, at best he might run around you, At worst, having just tossed his musket at the British he may use you as his next withdrawal device. (Don’t worry, Jarvis. Tiny is only going to throw you at those advancing troops. Best to hope you don’t land on the bayonets though.)
8 If you are invading Canada, do not mess with your French Canadian fellow invader’s poutine. If you do, at best they’ll just throw it away. At worst, you’ll hear the expression “sacrebleu” before being slapped in the face with a glove. (Nice going, Jakob. You messed with the man’s cheese curds, and now you are fifty paces from a lead ball.)
7 If you are invading Canada, do not be tempted to join the boys in a Molson ale or two. If you do, at best, you’ll run out. At worst, someone will turn up another barrel. (Okay, so the invasion is a bust, Jett. A few more ales and the British could take your head for all you care.)
6 If you are invading Canada, do not try to sing “Alouette,” to relieve tension. If you do, at best, you’ll be told to be quiet. At worst, your Canadian French will be so awful you’ll help un off a few of the men. (The song is about plucking the feathers off a lark, Joss. Just how much tension did you think that would help relieve? )
5 If you are invading Canada, do not call your fellow French Canadian warriors hoser. If you do, at best they hadn’t heard the term. At worse, they have played hockey and know it is Canadian hockey slang for a loser. (Since losing teams had to hose down the ice after games I think you might be in trouble, Jere. These guys look like they want another game with you as the puck.)
4 If you are invading Canada, If you should shoot a British soldier, do not say, “sorry.” If you do, at best the soldier won’t hear you. At worst, you will give him a reason to overcome his wound and chase you down. (That’s right, Jimmie. Keep on running. You may get to Poughkeepsie before he catches you.)
3 If you are invading Canada, do not ask your British captors for a Cuban cigar. If you do, at best they’ll think you are joking. At worst, they will want to know what a Cuban cigar is and how you came to know about them. ( Yeah, You’ve opened a can of worms, Jerrett. Wait until you get to the part where Cuban cigars are banned in the US. You’ll have em stumped for sure. “That firing squad is here for what reason?” You ask)
2 If you are invading Canada, don’t ask your Canadian compatriots what “eh” means. If you do, at best, you’ll get a cold French Canadian stare. At worst, the definition will be followed by use in a sentence. (The sentence is “I suppose you think you know it all, eh?” Now is the time to grab your musket and head south, Jean.)
1 If you are invading Canada, do not make jokes on the word “about.” If you do, at best, you’ll get no laughs. At worst, the biggest guy in the French Canadian group swore the next American who says “a boot” for “about” will die. (I hate to tell you, Jaafan but the last one who said “a boot” just left.)