Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

~ John W. Howell

Top Ten Things Not to Do

 

This week in history had some pretty serious things going on, and not one was something I could mock without appearing disrespectful. (I guess Babe Ruth’s 60th home run in 1927 could be an exception, but I have already done a ballpark top ten) So, I have begun going to the gym again (after a broken kneecap), so I thought it would be fun to restate some things not to do if you go to a gym.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym

10 If you go to the gym, do not wear your workboots on the treadmill. If you do, at best, they are clean. At worst, these are the same boots you wore to the barn cleaning. (Well now you’ve done it, Jabari. You’ve caked the ellipsis with old Dobber’s straw and poop. I think this might be the last day of your membership.)

9 If you go to the gym, do not point out to Tiny the WWF champ the  “Do Not Drop Barbells” sign. If you do, at best he’ll think you are pointing to the water fountain. At worst, Tiny, who just left his narcissist support group, will wonder why you are so rude as to ask him to follow the rules. ( Tiny has a way to handle what he thinks are nasty folks, Jabbar. He takes them for a helicopter spin and body drop, which only hurts for a little while.)

8 If you go to the gym, do not aks the guy who has three hundred pounds pressed overhead for the time. If you do, at best, he will have a sense of humor. At worst, you will break the lifter’s concentration. (Nice going, Jabir. You and he are now in the basement after the drop of the weights took you both through the floor. I would suggest you get up and get out quickly before he comes to.)

7 If you go to the gym, do not forget to wipe off any of the equipment that you sweated up. If you do, at best someone else will do it. At worst, a committee will form to convince you to begin. (Don’t look now, Jaccob but the committee is armed with spray disinfectant, and I think you may be the machine they intend to wipe down.)

6 If you go to the gym, do not carry on a cellphone conversation while working out. If you do, at best, the place will be empty. At worst, those around you want you to die. ( As a second choice, Jacinto you will be able to find your phone in the ten-foot end of the pool.)

5 If you go to the gym, do not finish that hero sandwich while riding the stationary bike. If you do, at best you only had two bites left. At worst, once you really got going the crumbs, lettuce and onion bits are blown everywhere. ( What a sight, Jacky. You look like a confetti machine on New Year’s Eve. Now go get a vacuum machine and clean this stuff up.)

4 If you go to the gym, do not think that wife-beater t-shirt that says “People Suck,” is appropriate exercise wear. If you do, at best, you’ll be totally ignored. At worse, the biggest guy in the gym walks over and says, “I’m a people.” (Well now, Jacobson you have a choice. Fight or flee. I would suggest the latter thank you.)

3 If you go to the gym, do not moan out loud with each lift of the weights. If you do, at best everyone will be listening to music. At worst, everyone will be making faces behind your back. (I hope you are happy, Jacoby. There is an entire mime show going on behind you to the delight of the performers.)

2 If you go to the gym, do not keep wearing the same unwashed exercise clothes. If you do, at best no one is near you. At worst, people keep wondering aloud who is hiding the Limburger cheese. (Normally you wouldn’t care, Jacquin but the pack of dogs following you are becoming a pain.)

1 If you go to the gym, do not work the New York Times crossword puzzle while on the treadmill. If you do, at best, your no hands workout is an accomplishment. At worst, your attempt at no hands treadmill work is a disaster. ( Don’t worry, Jacquelin no one laughed when you went teacart over teacups at the end of the treadmill. Well, almost no one. Okay everyone but the guy eating the hero laughed.)

65 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Gym”

  5. I go to the gym 3x a week and brother can I relate to some of these!!
    I want to tell cell phone users to get off the machine I want and sit in the lobby to end your conversation!
    I have taken to wiping down every machine I start to use – not just afterward because too many are busy on their cell phones and can’t bother to wipe their own sweat off!
    We don’t have too many dropping their weights, but we do have guys strutting their stuff carrying their weights around the room and wearing tight workout gear to showoff their muscles – jeez, have they no pity on us old folks?!

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  9. Ha! This one is great, John. I haven’t been to a gym in a long time. We have two pieces of equipment at home, so only my wife gets to laugh and complain about the crumbs. I thnk I’d be safe with your rules, but given the cast of characters, I wouldn’t want to risk it.

    I was in Physical Therapy for several weeks on two different occasions. They had a rule about cell phones. If you are using your phone, the PT will skip you, but you will still be charged for the session. They enforced that on two different people, and there was no argument. The lead PT has a Tiny-like attitude.

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  12. Congrats on going to the gym to mend, John! That said, I can attest that you’re spot on with this post. Well, I can’t attest personally, as I avoid public exercise like the plague it is, but the Domer can attest and I believe him. The food, the music, the annoying people … all too true. Hang in there! Maybe you’d prefer to invest in a nice treadmill for your new home??

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  15. Oh man! You have brought me back to the gym where I have met every single one of those described above! I think the worst is the loud groaner every time he lifts the weights. Really, Joe? You want us to look at how strong you are? What a maroon…

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  20. #11. Do not sit in your car in the gym parking lot reading blogs for a good 30 minutes before heading into the gym as a way to avoid going to the gym (like I’m doing now). Best case: the gym could get a little emptier so there’s no line for the cardio machines. Worst case: you’re being judged pretty hard by everyone who walked by your car. They probably timed you.

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  21. Great list, John! I do go to the gym and every one of these is spot-on 🙂 #3 is my biggest pet peeve at the gym. Some guys groan so loud I want to shout at them to “Get a room!” But, of course, I don’t because they are usually very big guys 😉

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  25. Sorry about your knee. (By the way, how’d you break it?) Anyway, me and gyms don’t git along. They do their thing and I do mine and never the twain shall meet … or something like that.

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