This week marks the anniversary of the ratification of the 18th amendment prohibiting the sale or consumption of alcohol in 1920. For most of us, this might not be a trip we want to make, but for historical reasons, we should. Take this list with you so that problems are kept to a minimum.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on the Day Prohibition Goes into Effect in 1920.
10 On that day, do not ask your server for a before-dinner martini. If you do, at best, they may remind you that alcohol is no longer allowed. At worst, you’ll get some variation of bathtub gin. (Along with the homemade gin, Jago, you’ll also get a visit from some guys that look like Elliot Ness. Yes, those are handcuffs. Enjoy your martini.)
9 On that day, do not ask Tiny the WWF champ if he can find you a pint of whiskey to ward off the cold. If you do, at best, Tiny will bring you some cough syrup. At worst, Tiny just finished the lawman’s course on the ramifications of the 18th amendment. (You are in luck, Jahmar. Tiny has decided not to arrest you but rather to give you his famous helicopter overhead spin and body slam. It is guaranteed to make you incapable of drinking anything, let alone illegal booze.)
8 On that day, do not knock on the green door. If you do, at best it will be a flower shop. At worst, it is a speakeasy run by Bugsy Malone. (So you don’t know the password, Jai. Just tell em Joe sent you. Hmmm, wrong Joe? Yes, that is a gun. I think it is time to leave now.)
7 On that day, do not ask a prohibitionist for a sip of Old Dr. Kaufmann’s Great Sulphur Bitters. If you do, at best, they will refuse. At worst, they’ll gladly give you a jolt. (Don’t be surprised if you feel funny, Jairo. That Elixer was made especially for prohibitionists and contains 22 percent alcohol. How do you suppose they continue to appear happy?)
6 On that day, do not discuss the Mayflower Pilgrim’s drinking habits with a prohibitionist. If you do, at best they will not know anything about the subject. At worst, the prohibitionist will think you are mocking the movement. (The Pilgrims brought more beer than water on their voyage to Plymouth rock in 1620, Jajaun. So you can see that since they were drinkers the prohibitionist might take offense.)
5 On the day, do not bring up the fact with prohibitionists that the participants in the Boston Tea party had fueled up with rum before the event. If you do, at best you’ll get polite smiles. At worst, you will have to sit through another lecture on the evils of demon rum. ( You see, Jakub. The prohibitionist will point to the rowdy nature of the Boston Tea party as the perfect example of the rightness of banning alcohol. Also, they are asking you to leave.)
4 On the day, do not bring up Benjamin Franklin’s ditty about drinking. If you do, at best they will think you are kidding. At worst, you might be engaged in a fistfight. (so here is the ditty, Jalil. That virtue and safety’s in wine-bibbing found. While all that drink water deserve to be drowned. No wonder they got so mad. So next time, understand what you are bringing up. Here take this steak and put it on your eye.)
3 On the day, do not talk with a guy named Capone about driving a boat. If you do, at best he’ll want to waterski. At worst, he’ll make you an offer you can’t refuse. (How does it feel, Jameson. You. are now running hooch between Winsor Canada and Detroit. Sure, you want to quit. Turning in your two-week notice might get you a new pair of cement overshoes.)
2 On the day, do not start a joke by “a guy walks into a bar.” If you do, at best, the person will walk away. At worst, you’ll be telling the joke to Carrie Nation. (To say Carrie has no sense of humor about drinking jokes is to say a lion has no interest in meat. You’ll find the head of the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union has about the same reaction to people telling drinking jokes as a lion to a gazelle. I know you think she missed you with that hatchet, Jamin. Just try to shake your head.)
1 On the day, do not grab your guitar and start singing “Whiskey River Don’t Run Dry.” If you do, at best, the room will empty. At worst, you and your guitar will hit the street. (Sad thing, Jamon your guitar hit the road first and you on top. I think that last note it made as you landed on it was an A-flat.)
Fiction Favorites 
I knew this would be good! Thanks for the rainy Monday morning laughs, John. 🙂
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Thanks for letting me know you liked it , Jill
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Interesting choice. I think it would be fun to see how the whole thing started.
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I think the roots are in the fact that women got tired of having drunken men around.
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Too funny. I think you had fun with this list! 😀
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It was fun. The research turned up a bunch of laughable things. Thanks, Gwen
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Okay if I sing ‘Red, Red Wine’? Okay, okay – I know it’ll make Tiny rowdy.
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Not to mention the ear worm that I have now. Can’t shake the song. 😊
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hahaha, Tiny’s gonna getcha!!
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Hahahaha
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I’m trying to picture Al Capone waterskiing . . .
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In his fedora. Hahahaha. Thanks, Liz.
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With a cigar sticking out of his mouth!
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And a violin case.
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😀
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I sad day, and one where I would be likely to make more than a few mistakes. I’ll carry the list with me at all times. Hatchet?
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Yup. Hatchet. Thanks, Dan
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I cringe every time I see one of those old photos of all the wasted gallons of giggle water… Fun post, John. Naturally you slayed me with Tiny and “famous helicopter overhead spin and body slam.” LOL. Hugs!
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Thank you, Teagan. 😁
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I don´t think you´d get away with asking for a blueberry tea either. This was a good one. Loved it!!
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No that might not be on the approved list.
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I enjoy your blogs John! They are often funny! I have nominated you for the Sunshine Blogger Award! Please visit my blog for details!
https://markbierman.wordpress.com/blog/
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Thank you, Mark. Nice of you to think of my blog. 😁
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I aprreciate the humor in your blogs!
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😊 No issue too serious that a laugh won’t help.
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Another great list, John!
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Thank you, Teri. 😁
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I think I can take care of that ear worm for you. How about moving from red to green? Number 8 took me straight back to that one — one of the best prohibition-related songs, I’d say.
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I really liked that song in high school. It was a fun one. Thanks, Linda
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I got the last pressure cooker at the mercantile, but wouldn’t you know it, they’re out of sugar, yeast, and corn today.
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Yeah, there’s been a run on that stuff since 19 passed.
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But I LOVE demon rum . . .
And yeah, once you’re on Capone’s payroll, you’re not going to be able to give your two week’s notice. It’s a lifetime contract that rarely ends well.
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Could you see the resignation letter? Dear Al, Due to circumstances beyond my control I’m going to be forced to turn in my resignation effective ten days from now. Love John.
Dear John, That means you got ten days to think it over or not. Love uncle Al.
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Buahahahaha!
Yeah, and I think John would be sleeping with da fishes before too long.
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Treading water in cement shoes is very hard.
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Haven’t tried it and I am not in a hurry to do so . . .
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Obviously I haven’t either and haven’t signed up for a trial run.
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Yeah, I would forego that trial run. I’ve heard it doesn’t end well. Ever.
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Holding breath is overrated too.
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Way.
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A hilarious list post, John which has me chuckling! 😂All great things NOT to do on prohibition day!
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Thank you, Annika. Thanks for the visit too.
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I don’t suppose “99 bottles of beer on the wall” would be an acceptable substitute, would it?!?
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That might work. NOT. Thanks, Debbie.
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Too funny! Especially the Willie Nelson song. 🙂
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Thank you, Jan. I always liked it and just decided to work it in.
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Hard to believe this was 100 years ago! Great list John:)
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Thank you, Denise. Yes, hard to believe.
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🙂
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So long ago already! Well, I am glad we don’t have to worry about this because I would be scared to death of moonshine. I would be afraid of dying. But I do like a nice little vodka soda with lime :).
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Moonshine is not on my list either. I can appreciate your bubbly drink.
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🙂
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Yeah… During my time-travelling, I think I shall avoid this unfortunate era.
Funny how the 18th amendment got modified but they won’t touch the second, eh?
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Yes. Once the will of the people rise to the point where an amendment revision is necessary it will remain. Right now, although there is a vocal minority for gun control, the vast majority of Americans have not joined the cry for regulation. Until they do, the status quo will be kept.
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Don’t I know it!!
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Reblogged this on Author Don Massenzio and commented:
Check out this nostalgic post from John Howell’s blog with the TOP TEN THINGS NOT TO DO ON THE DAY PROHIBITION GOES INTO EFFECT IN 1920
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Thank you, Don 😁
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You’re welcome.
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The horror!!!!
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So true.
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Hilarious, John! #7 and #1 had me laughing out loud.
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Good thing too.
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Definitely! 🙂
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Great subject you picked – and great top ten things NOT to do! Cheers! (clinks glasses). Oh, that should be another thing not to do….
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Yes. No glass clinking.
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What fun is THAT? 🙂
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Well, temperance is as temperance does. 😊
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Timely reminder. A new law in India proposes to reduce the duty-free alcohol allowance for returning passengers to half. This list will be useful for the other half of the time. Might need to look up Indian names, though.
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