Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

 

 

Photo of a store aisle

Unsplash photo by Natalia Rosa

This list was originally posted on April 27th, 2015. Since I have violated many of the suggestions here and have been banned from grocery shopping as well as laundry, I thought a review would be in order. I hope you like it.

 

This list is inspired by my spouse tapping to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house, our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh, load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. At one time, we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

The major tenant. If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.

10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to substitute items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before. (Pureed squash is never a good idea, Sam.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best, you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money. (Take plenty of notes, Nerd.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing. (That second job is going to be a pain, Pal.)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and their effect on the environment. (You may even be sent on a plastic bag scavenger hunt, Herb.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol. (Going home will not be pleasant, Buba.)

5 If you asked to shop, do not think you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best, you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, causing a loss of the items that, as reminded by store personnel, are after the fact payment-wise. (No refunds on broken jars of pasta sauce, Ferd.)

4 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (Have some more jerky stew, Bub.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best, you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)

1 If you are asked to shop, no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best, you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor. (You should have learned this lesson long ago.)

108 comments

  1. If you are asked to shop, don’t forget your mask! Great list, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. This retro post shows us the before COVID picture.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think my husband has violated just about every one of those. After a while, I just gave up! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Producer gave up as well. That is when the ban was put in place. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you covered i, except at my local market, we have to scan and bag our own groceries – that has pluses and minuses on the scale of wanting to do it!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t imagine doing that here. I don’t think Texans are equipped for that kind of situation. Our self serve check outs are chaotic. 🙄

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Great list, John I’ve been doing the shopping for over a year and I lost count of how many of these applied to me. What’s wrong with “Joe’s Best” coffee? It was on sale! And so we’re those turnips.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Put those turnips back before someone gets hurt. What do yu do with turnips anyway?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Actually, I like to eat them raw, but, I might be in the minority on that one.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. A small minority I might add.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. All of these rules are golden. Also why I hate people asking me to shop. It’s really bad when I’m heading to one store and I’m asked to go to another in the opposite direction. Frozen foods and dairy are always a part of that mess.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. We have a cooler for the frozen and dairy (Need it when it hits 100 degrees at 5:00 AM) but I know what you mean.

      Like

  6. Gwen M. Plano · · Reply

    When I was a kid and mom was busy with a baby (a common experience), dad would do the shopping. I LOVED going with dad. He’d buy everything mom never bought — especially treats. I don’t know if he had a list or not, but I do remember mom’s comments afterward. But, thankfully, this did not phase my dad. He’d still reach for the Oreos and add a chocolate bar at check out. So today, I’m breaking from all the guidance and giving three cheers to surprises (and my dad!). 😂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The very reason I got banned. Well, and not turning in the coupons. 😁

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Gwen M. Plano · ·

        Oh my, the coupons, how could you forget?? 🤣

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Mmmm. Don’t know. All a fog.

        Like

  7. Even if I send hubby with a detailed list of just a few things, he’ll come back with the wrong items. I personally think he does it just so I’ll quit sending him.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Would he (or I ) do that? 🙄

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Don’t send Tiny unless you are sure all requested items are on lower shelves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nothing like an entire gondola pulled over for a jar of special mustard.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. And don’t score all the toilet paper, just because the store is well stocked.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. Totally bad form. Thanks, Craig. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Yanno Boss, you probably skate on most of the charges because of your charming wit. You notice I say most and not all . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, I’m still banned for life on both shopping and laundry

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You brought it on yourself, sorry Boss

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You are so right. Heh,heh,heh.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Number 2 hit the button with me. One kid in the cart and one in a back carrier and the one in the cart throwing glass jars of baby food on the floor for fun!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh my. I can just imagine.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Lol! It was fun reading this one again, John. Great marital advice. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha. Thanks, Jan

      Like

  13. Hmmm … methinks that you might just have made these faux pas, as well as the ones with the laundry, so you wouldn’t be asked again!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My lawyer got me a nice sentence. That’s all I’m saying

      Liked by 1 person

  14. You are definitely a bad grocery shopper!!! and, in that, so like the gardener hah. You can add #11. If your spouse has “gluten free” on the list (for you, ya know), read the labels. Yes, on each item. That’s right. And don’t guy it if it has gluten. And if you want cheese pizza, don’t buy Daiya because it’s not. We had yellow towels and underwear, too, from the gardener washing them with his bright yellow sweat pants. He has been off laundry ever since. He also is not allowed to do grocery shopping unless I am sick in bed. And he isn’t allowed to look for anything in the refrigerator because everything will get warm inside in the process. He is allowed to unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. *whiplash. Way to go Luanne.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. This is so funny and so true. Hubby is not allowed to grocery shop for all the above reasons! He is also not allowed to come along. In 42 years we have only had two big arguments, one had to do with him putting sugary cereal in the shopping cart!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah. I had a donny brook over beer nuts.

      Liked by 1 person

  16. These are great tips, John. I had to laugh. My husband does the shopping since he banned me years ago. Like you, I do load the dishwasher. Lol. Thanks for starting my day with a smile.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are welcome, Diana. I never was very good at shopping.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Me neither. I was too impulsive. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  17. John, you complete accuracy in this regard is rather alarming. I find it easier to just not send my husband shopping. It saves me a lot of time and effort to just do it myself [smile].

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The Producer obviously feels the same. I don’t blame either of you. The man’s objective is to get in and out with as few decisions as possible.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. I never read this before, so it’s new for me.

    I HATE SHOPPING FOR OTHERS and never really knew why till your list explained it. I’m not one to buy in bulk therefore…express aisle here I come, so if I have more than say 12, items, sneaking in a couple of extras, begging the casheir to please take me, just this once, let’s just say, you could cut the resentment with a knife.

    You’re so funny John. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the compliment. Very seldom I would find my way into the ten items or less place. When I did sure enough one or two would sneak out from under the box I put on top of them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When you live here in the Big Apple, life is one big Express Line. I cringe when I find myself behind a filled cart. Always wish I had bought a book. It’s funny, but I just wrote an essay about patience at the market. Love your Mondays. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Patience at the market is a rare item. Can’t wait to read it. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I try to always behave with integrity even when I want to start throwing cans.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Would be nice if they would allow one custard pie to the face of the slowest person in line. (Like just getting out the check book after the total is rung up, then handing in ten coupons, and finally wanting to check the price on the coffee.)

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Love the idea of a custard pie being thrown. Of course, if it were peach or banana cream, then I’d have to eat it. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I haven’t had a banana cream pie for eons. Sounds so good.

        Liked by 1 person

      7. My favorite. Hard to get. The bananas turn too quickly. You can still get a slice in an old fashioned diner.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Gotta wonder how they keep them fresh at a diner. I used to love to go to a diner. Had menues with what seemed like 1000 items.

        Liked by 1 person

      9. A diner has more traffic and fewer cholesterol counters, at the counter…harumph

        Liked by 1 person

      10. Makes sense. I’ve seen many stool overflowing with excess butt.

        Liked by 1 person

      11. Me too. That’s funny.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. Still giggling over your list, John! My late dad used to say, If you went to be freed from a certain chore, just do such a lousy job at it that they ban you for life. Sounds like you might have taken that message to heart?!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It would seem so wouldn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

  20. 1-4 items are top, dear John! Time passes, this Top Ten Things list will be for ever until shops exist. 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is so true, Maria. Never send a man to do a boys work. (He’ll fail every time.)

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Haha – this is good, John. I hope you weren’t on the end of any reprimands here! I spent a lot of years shopping with my kids and can confirm that what you say can happen with a kid or two in the cart, will happen!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nope. The Producer is pretty linear on stuff like this. “You are banned from the grocery store for life.”

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That can be a good thing!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes indeed. Swift justice.

        Liked by 1 person

  22. This was really funny, John! I think Grocery Shopping 101 should be a mandatory premarital course. I no longer send hubby to the store unless he can follow the list. I know, that’s terrible.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve been banned for life. You sound like an angel in comparison. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha! 😅

        Liked by 1 person

  23. These are hilarious!!! I was roaring over #4. 😀 😀 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad. A good roar is perfect for the health. Thanks, Liz.

      Like

  24. Precious! This list makes me miss coupling through life with someone special. Too funny. I’m sure you two have the best of stories. ♡

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes we do. I get banned from chores as I mess them up. (Working on the lawn mowing now)

      Like

      1. Women are smart enough to catch on when your goal is to have complete freedom from chores, you know.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know. As I turn 80 in May I think The Producer is being kind. 😁

        Like

  25. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    Is there any truth to the rumor that you purposely turned white towels and sheets pink to get out of doing the laundry?

    The over/under betting line is set at 4.5 for how many incorrect items I will buy when I go to the grocery store. As my wife will gladly tell you, that’s a small price to pay.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The pink towel thing was a mistake. The unfortunate part was the towels were a very high quality and hard to find. The over and under set by you is unacceptable here. Banned.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. petespringerauthor · ·

        🤣

        Liked by 1 person

  26. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    Good list, John. My husband takes this over most of the time. He is the one capable of just getting what’s on the list 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He is a rare find, Denise. 😂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. D.L. Finn, Author · ·

        I agree:)

        Liked by 1 person

  27. Darned if do and darned if you don’t, right John? I feel your pain, brother. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have no more pain. I’ve been banned.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The best way to be. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  28. […] Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper […]

    Like

    1. Thanks for sharing

      Like

  29. So humorous, and we can all relate from one view point or another!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes indeed. Mostly the problem is men. (Like a lot of things.)

      Liked by 1 person

  30. The express lane one is painfully true. If a worker doesn’t redirect you, the dagger glares from shoppers in line will.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So true. Thank you for the comment.

      Like

  31. Oh… Those days of sending someone else to shop for me are over. I do miss them. He was rather good at following the list. Sort of. Kind of.
    As for your accidentally on purpose turning things pink… don’t try to fool me. You wanted out of that one!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw. Good on Mick. Let’s just say the laundry thing was an accident but I have not regretted it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I bet you haven’t. He screwed up the laundry thing too 😉 He put a delicate blouse in the dryer. Bye bye blouse!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No wait. It could be used as dolls clothing since is about 1/10th its normal size.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Buahahaha!

        Liked by 1 person

  32. Did you make those sheets pink on purpose just to get out of all future laundry duty?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So I have been accused, but it was a real accident. I think that’s why the jury was merciful. The prosecutor was looking for the death penalty.😊

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi, and thanks for the visit.

      Like

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