This list was originally posted on April 27th, 2015. Since I have violated many of the suggestions here and have been banned from grocery shopping as well as laundry, I thought a review would be in order. I hope you like it.
This list is inspired by my spouse tapping to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house, our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh, load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. At one time, we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.
Top Ten Things Not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper
The major tenant. If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.
10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to substitute items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before. (Pureed squash is never a good idea, Sam.)
9 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best, you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money. (Take plenty of notes, Nerd.)
8 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing. (That second job is going to be a pain, Pal.)
7 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and their effect on the environment. (You may even be sent on a plastic bag scavenger hunt, Herb.)
6 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol. (Going home will not be pleasant, Buba.)
5 If you asked to shop, do not think you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best, you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, causing a loss of the items that, as reminded by store personnel, are after the fact payment-wise. (No refunds on broken jars of pasta sauce, Ferd.)
4 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (Have some more jerky stew, Bub.)
3 If you are asked to shop, do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best, you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)
2 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)
1 If you are asked to shop, no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best, you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor. (You should have learned this lesson long ago.)