Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

~ John W. Howell

 

 

Photo of a store aisle
Unsplash photo by Natalia Rosa

This list was originally posted on April 27th, 2015. Since I have violated many of the suggestions here and have been banned from grocery shopping as well as laundry, I thought a review would be in order. I hope you like it.

 

This list is inspired by my spouse tapping to do the grocery shopping while she was on a trip. It is true in our house, our chores are divided according to talent. I have no talent in the area of grocery shopping. I cook competently and do dishes (uh, load the dishwasher). I also do not do laundry and not because I have a problem doing it. At one time, we had pink towels and sheets from formerly white is the main reason for being banned from the laundry.

 

Top Ten Things Not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper

The major tenant. If you are asked to shop, do not buy anything that is not on the list. If you do, at best, you will be making a return trip for the returns. At worst, you will need to attend a special class run by your spouse on the principle of wasting money.

10 If you are asked to shop, do not think you are empowered to substitute items on the list. If you do, at best, your substitutions will be a welcome change. At worst, you will have selected a form of something that the entire family has gotten sick after eating one time before. (Pureed squash is never a good idea, Sam.)

9 If you are asked to shop, do not fail to turn in the coupons. If you do, at best, you will be allowed back in the house. At worst, you and the coupons will be making another trip to the store for a refund as well as attending that special class on wasting money. (Take plenty of notes, Nerd.)

8 If you are asked to shop, do not go to a different store without permission. If you do, at best, some of the items will be unavailable. At worst, there will be a big difference in the prices, and your bill will be above the all-time high that will not be a good thing. (That second job is going to be a pain, Pal.)

7 If you are asked to shop, do not think you can ignore the recyclable bags just this once. If you do, at best, you will be able to stuff the plastic into the trash without being caught. At worst, you will be subjected to another long class dealing with the evils of the plastic bag and their effect on the environment. (You may even be sent on a plastic bag scavenger hunt, Herb.)

6 If you are asked to shop, do not think your newness will excuse you from checking out in the express lane when clearly you have more than the required items. If you do, at best, a few people will glower and may even say something. At worst, you will be recognized and reported to your spouse with the resulting discussion on proper store protocol. (Going home will not be pleasant, Buba.)

5 If you asked to shop, do not think you can pack bags like the store personnel. If you do, at best, you will have overstuffed bags. At worst, you might have several bags break in the parking lot, causing a loss of the items that, as reminded by store personnel, are after the fact payment-wise. (No refunds on broken jars of pasta sauce, Ferd.)

4 If you are asked to shop, do not go to the store hungry. If you do at best, you will only buy one or two extra things. At worst, you will have to explain the extra bags of groceries, including what will look like a year’s supply of beef jerky. (Have some more jerky stew, Bub.)

3 If you are asked to shop, do not take any of your friends with you. If you do, at best, you will have unexplained extra stuff in your order. At worst, your friends will talk you into hosting a poker game this week, and you’ll have bought all the snacks and beer. (The explaining of this phenomenon will be the challenge of the year)

2 If you are asked to shop, do not offer to take the kids with you. If you do, at best will learn the meaning of the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished.” At worst, you will have forgotten half the items on the list in addition to buying several impulsive things that the kids will be forbidden to eat. (Marshmallows in cereal is a no-no.)

1 If you are asked to shop, no matter how much you feel you are putting your life on the line, you cannot refuse. If you do, at best, you may hurt your spouse’s feelings. At worst, you will be the cause of a relatively significant family argument that won’t end well in terms of the next time you need a favor. (You should have learned this lesson long ago.)

108 thoughts on “Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper”

  3. I think you covered i, except at my local market, we have to scan and bag our own groceries – that has pluses and minuses on the scale of wanting to do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Great list, John I’ve been doing the shopping for over a year and I lost count of how many of these applied to me. What’s wrong with “Joe’s Best” coffee? It was on sale! And so we’re those turnips.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. All of these rules are golden. Also why I hate people asking me to shop. It’s really bad when I’m heading to one store and I’m asked to go to another in the opposite direction. Frozen foods and dairy are always a part of that mess.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. When I was a kid and mom was busy with a baby (a common experience), dad would do the shopping. I LOVED going with dad. He’d buy everything mom never bought — especially treats. I don’t know if he had a list or not, but I do remember mom’s comments afterward. But, thankfully, this did not phase my dad. He’d still reach for the Oreos and add a chocolate bar at check out. So today, I’m breaking from all the guidance and giving three cheers to surprises (and my dad!). 😂

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You are definitely a bad grocery shopper!!! and, in that, so like the gardener hah. You can add #11. If your spouse has “gluten free” on the list (for you, ya know), read the labels. Yes, on each item. That’s right. And don’t guy it if it has gluten. And if you want cheese pizza, don’t buy Daiya because it’s not. We had yellow towels and underwear, too, from the gardener washing them with his bright yellow sweat pants. He has been off laundry ever since. He also is not allowed to do grocery shopping unless I am sick in bed. And he isn’t allowed to look for anything in the refrigerator because everything will get warm inside in the process. He is allowed to unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. This is so funny and so true. Hubby is not allowed to grocery shop for all the above reasons! He is also not allowed to come along. In 42 years we have only had two big arguments, one had to do with him putting sugary cereal in the shopping cart!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I never read this before, so it’s new for me.

    I HATE SHOPPING FOR OTHERS and never really knew why till your list explained it. I’m not one to buy in bulk therefore…express aisle here I come, so if I have more than say 12, items, sneaking in a couple of extras, begging the casheir to please take me, just this once, let’s just say, you could cut the resentment with a knife.

    You’re so funny John. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the compliment. Very seldom I would find my way into the ten items or less place. When I did sure enough one or two would sneak out from under the box I put on top of them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. When you live here in the Big Apple, life is one big Express Line. I cringe when I find myself behind a filled cart. Always wish I had bought a book. It’s funny, but I just wrote an essay about patience at the market. Love your Mondays. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        3. Would be nice if they would allow one custard pie to the face of the slowest person in line. (Like just getting out the check book after the total is rung up, then handing in ten coupons, and finally wanting to check the price on the coffee.)

          Liked by 1 person

  19. Still giggling over your list, John! My late dad used to say, If you went to be freed from a certain chore, just do such a lousy job at it that they ban you for life. Sounds like you might have taken that message to heart?!!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Haha – this is good, John. I hope you weren’t on the end of any reprimands here! I spent a lot of years shopping with my kids and can confirm that what you say can happen with a kid or two in the cart, will happen!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. This was really funny, John! I think Grocery Shopping 101 should be a mandatory premarital course. I no longer send hubby to the store unless he can follow the list. I know, that’s terrible.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Is there any truth to the rumor that you purposely turned white towels and sheets pink to get out of doing the laundry?

    The over/under betting line is set at 4.5 for how many incorrect items I will buy when I go to the grocery store. As my wife will gladly tell you, that’s a small price to pay.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Good list, John. My husband takes this over most of the time. He is the one capable of just getting what’s on the list 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Pingback: Top Ten Things not to do If You are Designated Fill in Shopper – Forever

  31. Oh… Those days of sending someone else to shop for me are over. I do miss them. He was rather good at following the list. Sort of. Kind of.
    As for your accidentally on purpose turning things pink… don’t try to fool me. You wanted out of that one!

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.