Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

~ John W. Howell

 

 

This post was originally published on September 14, 2015. I think we can squeeze in a bit of learning from it still. I hope you enjoy it.

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This list is inspired by watching some of the funny things people buy solely because they are being offered at a discounted price. Of course, I’ve taken the list to extremes (which I’m sure you have come to understand by now), but the spirit still lives.

Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount

10 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate bungee jumping lessons. If you do, at best, you will only be scared poopless. At worst, your family will wonder what you were thinking as they hold a memorial for your three-foot-tall body. (Not to mention that you are six feet wide as well)

9 Even on discount, do not purchase cut-rate meat. If you do, at best, you will only miss a couple of days’ work. At worst, you will be one of the morbidity statistics as the USDA issues a countrywide recall of the E-coli tainted horse meat. (It tasted good going in, right?)

8 Even at a discount, do not buy a truckload of cut-rate toilet tissue. If you do, at best, you will spend more on storage than the original price. At worst, you will be selected for the Dr. Phil TV show segment “Am I full of it since I can’t stop myself from feeling like I need more toilet tissue.” (You’ve noticed how thin the paper is and have taken appropriate action, right?)

7 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate hair restorative product. If you do, at best, you will need to explain your new Day-Glo orange color to the boss. At worst, you will be going through the day answering to the name Uncle Fester and fielding cue ball and reflecting head jokes. ( You always thought Yul Brenner was cool looking, right?)

6 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate wrinkle injection. If you do, at best, you might resemble Donald Duck for a few months. At worst, you read about your doctor being accused by the FDA of using industrial silicone for some procedures, and now you know why you haven’t been able to feel your cheeks. (You do look good, though.)

5 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate parachute for skydiving. If you do, at best, you could experience the thrill of trying to slow down with a tattered canopy. At worst, you will make a lasting impression in the field as you land without the benefit of an active drag-creating device. (Looking as if you did it on purpose doesn’t help the bystanders forget.)

4 Even at a discount, do not buy that cut-rate beer. If you do, at best, you will have all the taste and satisfaction of drinking carbonated defrost. At worst, you will realize your mistake as you read the label and see that the product is 99% salmonella free. (You only noticed that after six bottles, right?)

3 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate gold. If you do, at best, you won’t notice until the day your neck and finger turn green. At worst, you will realize that you have paid the highest amount of money for the least amount of gold, and you thought a pound would be a good buy. (you now have an attractive doorstop. Don’t get it wet.)

2 Even at a discount, do not buy cut-rate fruit. If you do, at best, you will have enough left after you cull the spoiled to make one salad. At worst, the USDA you may call to ask you to donate your generations of fruit flies to genetic research. (And you thought those spots in front of your eyes resulted from too little sleep.)

1 Even at a discount, do not buy a cut-rate used car. If you do, at best, you will understand the phrase “Get a horse.” At worst, you might be called by your homeowner association to move what they interpret as a mobile home for stray animals out of your driveway. (It seemed like a good idea to leave the windows down to circulate fresh air since the thing wouldn’t run, right?)

120 thoughts on “Top Ten Things to Pass Up Even if on Discount”

  8. #4 hits home with me, John. My ex MIL would always stock up on whatever the beer on sale was, when I came to visit (they were wine drinkers). I looked up Piels, and I found, “Today’s Piels Lager still offers that same unsurpassed beer flavor.”

    Thanks for the memory jog…I think.

    Liked by 3 people

  15. John,
    There is a cartoon of a dark cave opening with a guy in there and only his eyes are visible. The caption was “ if your careful enough, nothing good or bad will ever happen to you.”
    I guess that’s right.
    Now what ?

    Liked by 1 person

  18. It’s all about making the most money as possible. Perhaps with more life experience now, I approach discounted items first and foremost with…why might it be discounted? Especially when it comes to food and beverages. Carbonated defrost is my new go-to phrase for any applicable situations. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Have to feel sorry for the ones who violated #9. Ugh, gives me shudders. It’s not a bargain if you’re going to have to go to the hospital to have your stomach pumped out!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Funny you should bring up parachutes. I know you like history, so … here goes.

    The first hot air balloon flight was over Versailles in 1783. Then in 1797, some guy (André-Jacques Garnerin) decided it was high time (pun intended) to try out da Vinci’s idea for the parachute. So, he jumped out of a balloon at 3,200 feet over Paris. Only one problem, he failed to include an air vent at the top of his parachute and oscillated wildly in his descent. He landed safely, but he was a bit sea sick.

    I guess what I am saying is that if you do buy a parachute, make sure there in a hole at the top. I’m old school and I’m not talking about ram air canopies.

    Liked by 1 person

      2. Great list. I should have known you would have beat me to the punch, so to speak. The comments are turned off over there, so here I am. And thanks a lot for ratting me out about the garage thing.

        Liked by 1 person

  27. No more cut-rate beer for me. Somebody else can drink the Hamm’s and Pabst Blue Ribbon. I’m happy with a Corona and a twist of lime.

    Storage of massive amounts of toilet paper is an issue none of us ever want to think about again.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. Time passes & things don’t change. Even ued parachutes remain as they are. 😂😂😂 I find vintage 10 Things are more urgent for our days, dear John! Maybe…it’s age of mine…😱😱😱

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