Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Windy Day

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Khamkéo Vilaysing on Unsplash6

This post was published originally on November 9th, 2015. Although the wind has not been bad this fall, it just might turn and come in handy.

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The inspiration for this list is the over twenty-five-mile-an-hour winds we have been experiencing since Thursday. Most of these warnings are a matter of common sense, but in the spirit of public service, I will state the obvious. Hope you enjoy it.

The Top Things Not to do on a Windy Day

10 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to inspect your roof for leaks. If you do, at best, the fire department rescue team will not be happy getting you down from there. At worst, you now need the rescue team to splint and bandage the results of a three-story fall. (Recall your last words? “Honest honey, I’ll be careful.”)

9 On a windy day, do not spit, period. If you do, at best, you might catch a gust in the opposite direction. At worst, you will need to pause your busy schedule for a shower. (Too bad you were eating licorice at the time.)

8 On a windy day, do not think you can control the weed and grass killer spray. If you do, at best, you will only take out the edge of the lawn. At worst, in three days, your yard will have all the life of the Sahara Desert. (Did you not see the warning on the label? By the way, the damage is permanent)

7 On a windy day, do not think you can spray paint that swing set. If you do, at best, you will have an ongoing shadow of it on your lawn. At worst, the next-door neighbor just realizes his new yellow convertible has a light overlay of Rustoleum brown. (Is that him at the front door with the police?)

6 On a windy day, do not get up on that twenty-four-foot extension ladder. If you do, at best, you will soon be calling for help as you slowly lose your grip on the uppermost gutter. At worst, you and the ladder will end up in your living room after passing through the house’s largest and most expensive picture window. (Don’t worry,. A tourniquet properly applied will stop that gushing. You don’t know what I’m talking about, you say?)

5 On a windy day, do not be coerced into allowing the kids to fly their kites. If you do, at best, one may be dragged through Mrs. Jones’ rose bushes. At worst, the FAA will be asking tough questions about the airspace violation by your kid and his Sponge Bob Square Pant kite. (You were almost sure that tree would have stopped him)

4 On a windy day, do not think going fishing is an excellent way to spend the time. If you do, at best, you’ll end up cold and wet without any fish. At worst, your rescue will be featured on the six o’clock news with the lead in line,” Foolish tourist risks life by ignoring the small craft warnings.” (We forgot to turn on the radio, did we?)

3 On a windy day, do not think the golf game can go on as usual. If you do, at best, you will break your high score and lost ball record. At worst, the wind direction is such that you teed off, the ball comes back and knocks you off your feet, and you get an expensive airlift to the hospital. (You thought that was going to be one of your longest drives)

2 On a windy day, do not take a leisurely walk on the beach. If you do, at best, you will be covered in sand from head to foot. At worst, you will receive dermabrasion with the delightful side benefit of a bird-dropping mask. ( No. That stuff does not wash off.)

1 On a windy day, do not think it is a good time to fertilize the lawn. If you do, at best, you will waste a lot of fertilizer on your neighbor’s property and shrubs. At worst, you will end up in the pulmonology wing of the hospital as a subject of study of the after-effects of poop in the lungs. (I could have worn a mask but nooo too much trouble.)

93 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Windy Day”

  2. Hilarious, John. I mostly hide during any storm, but I confess that once or twice our pile of autumn leaves ended up flying across the neighborhood. 😳 It’s always wise to check the forecast. Have a great week!

    Liked by 3 people

  5. All reasonable, but you forgot one: on a windy day, don’t think you’re going to successfully photograph wildflowers. At best, you’ll be frustrated beyond words. At worst, replacing that camera you slammed to the ground is going to cost a pretty penny.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. High winds make a lot of things foolish. I was installing plywood on the roof of a house outside Denver on a windy day and wondered if I could use a sheet to glide down off the roof. A gust did lift my feet off the roof for a few seconds. Thankfully, it lowered me back down. 🙂

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  13. On a windy day don’t leave the house without a hair spray that is appropriate for the wind speed. Most people don’t realize that hair sprays are rated in a similar way as a sunscreen SPF protection level. Hair spray is rated by the FDA in MPH. I use a spray that is rated 25 mph with gusts up to 30 mph. It will keep most comb-overs in place. Be sure to read the label.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Great advice. #2 we should have heeded before going to the Outer Banks for a day at the beach! I might add, on a windy day do not go out if you wear a toupe, unless you lash it down with a hat.

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  18. #1 is my all-time windy aggravation. It never, ever fails that when I plan to put down any seed, fertilizer, etc. the global jet stream rolls right up our street and vexes me. That stuff really does need to reach the surface of the yard, not the surface of my clothing.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Very timely, John. It’s a wild wind we’re having today, causing the leaves to frolic around (and little Monkey to give chase to them!) Nothing like a stiff NW wind to strip leaves from Fall trees.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Spray painting is such an unpredictable thing in the best conditions. It’s like when you use bleach and are super careful to the point that you cover 99 percent of your body and yes, it finds the one percent . . .

    Liked by 1 person

        9. Ha ha ha. Wouldn’t it have been great to pause on some super occasions and say I’m going to remember this forever. (not major stuff that you would normally remember but dumb stuff like eating away a sweatshirt carrying a battery.)

          Liked by 1 person

  22. Wind might be cruel indeed! Thank you for warnings, dear John. I should as that going out with an umbrella is also risky. Moscow winds have become like hurricanes recently, so anytime you need to go out in such terrible weather with an umbrella you might end like Mary Poppins. 🙂

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  23. Ah, the weed and grass killer on a windy day reminds me of when I tried to put some cayenne pepper on the lawn (It was tip #1843 on getting rid of gophers). The wind couldn’t have been more than five mph, but I got a faceful of pepper. I didn’t get rid of any gophers, but I had a massive sneezing fit. 🤣

    Liked by 1 person

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