Photo by Vni Vinay on Unsplash
This post originally ran on October 24, 2016. Since our significant others still leave, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list was a traveling Producer two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit; nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town
10 If your significant other is out of town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best, there will be minor damage that can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never gets drunk decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant other’s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)
9 If your significant other is out of town, do not decide to create and work on your own to-do list. If you do, at best, you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well, you now have a big problem since you know everything needs to be redone.)
8 If your significant other is out of town, do not even think of not doing the dishes. If you don’t do them, at best, the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (You could have saved yourself on this one, Bunkie. You were warned.)
7 If your significant other is out of town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best, you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red cent. So, now you have to hide the payment as well.)
6 If your significant other is out of town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best, your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasn’t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around change communication could result. (You didn’t know the depth of insecurity there, did you?)
5 If your significant other is out of town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best, your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just don’t get the idea of chili powder being under “C” and not “P,” no matter how many times you explain it to Tiny, who, as WWF world wrestling Champ, should get it.)
4 If your significant other is out of town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best, they will rat you out immediately upon the significant other’s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system requiring increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill, isn’t it, Grover.)
3 If your significant other is out of town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best, you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)
2 If your significant other is out of town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best, the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show that your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesn’t get any worse.)
1 If your significant other is out of town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best, your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, “My significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,” two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)
Fiction Favorites 
Lols, John! 😂 Thanks for the advice and laughs. Have a wonderful week 💕🙂
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Thank you, Harmony. I hope your week is terrific. 😊
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I am printing this and giving it to hubby. OK, he doesn’t do card parties but he doesn’t do the dishes either!
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Ha ha ha. Makes you wonder how many days of dishes do you have? Thanks, Darlene.
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I’m sure he uses some of them over but I don’t really want to now. Pizza can be eaten out of the pan/box.
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🤣
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Reblogged this on NEW BLOG HERE >> https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
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Thanks for sharing, Michael.
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My pleasure, John! xx Michael
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Great advices, John! Thanks also for the laughter, and have a nice week! xx Michael
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You as well, Michael. Thank you.
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Kind of glad I don’t have to worry about this any more.
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Ha ha ha. Good one.
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1, 2 and 3 are to die for, John. Great job!
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Thanks, GP.
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Hmm, #8 sounds suspicious to me. Thank you for the laughter, John. Have a great one! 😄
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Thank you, Gwen. Thank heavens for the Bosch.
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Are you certain that card party never happened?
Great list, John.
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Can’t vouch for the kids but I’m innocent. Thanks, Dan.
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Hubby is out of town this week, which is good because I tested positive for Covid (again) yesterday, so it’s pretty safe to say none of these are on my list this week. More like reading and getting caught up on blogs.
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I hope you feel better soon. Is this your third time?
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Second. Despite all of us wearing masks, looks like a patient infected the whole office last week. We’re all down with it.
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Aw. I’m sorry.
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Sounds like Old What’s Her Face is planning to visit family again soon. I’ll order a large pizza and ration it over the days, using only paper towels as dishes.
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Sounds like a plan. 😁
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Well, 9, 8, 3 and 2 came into play recently. I never got to anything on the to-do list!
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Ha ha ha. Always the case with to do lists, Noelle.
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I will keep this list in mind, next time. Good ones…lol.
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Thank you, Denise. 😊
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This list gets saved for future usage. Of course, mistakes have already been made in a couple of these areas lol. Better late than never, John!
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You could always say you didn’t know on the past ones. Thanks, Bruce.
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Wise advice, John. Thanks for the morning humor.
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Always a pleasure.
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Our ongoing joke, when Mary is going away, is that I can invite the floozies. 🤣
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Do the floozies play cards?
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Are you thinking of a special kind of card game? 🤣
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😁
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Maybe we’re thinking of the same kind of card game – not that I have ever taken part in one.
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Me either.
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We’re good guys, aren’t we? 😉
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Or the dumb guys
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LOL
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Good advice, John. 🙂 My own agenda is to have fun but stay out of jail.
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Having a SWAT team show up at the house is not a good thing. Thanks, Tim
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🙂
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😁
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Hi John, I have certainly done 10 but it was when I stilled lived in my parents home and they were away. Eeek!
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Yeah I think everyone has tried at least having friends over when the rents hit the road.
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Haha, indeed.
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😁
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Good advice, John. I can relate to #3, sadly. ‘Nuff said!
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Yes ’nuff said.
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These are great, John!
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Thank you, Jill
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Hmmmm … sounds to me like you just might have some personal experience in some of these, despite your initial denial! 🤔
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Maybe.
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A great list, John!
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Thanks, Jan
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I totally agree with number 3, Joh.! Other than that… go at it. Hopefully, I’m somewhere having a spa weekend with girlfriends. Just don’t make me come home! 😀
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You can stay.
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Ha ha ha. Good.
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Love this list, John.
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Thanks, Jacqui. 😁
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I’m not gonna lie, when I was left to my own devices whilst married, I might have done one or two of the things on this list. Or maybe several more than that.
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Yeah it can happen for sure.
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Oh, I know it 😉
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😊
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Hilarious, John! Fortunately (for him), my significant other no longer goes out of town without me 😉 But you remind me how many, many years ago when I was with a previous boyfriend, I came home from six weeks in the hospital to find our apartment a complete mess. A sink full of dirty dishes was the worst. He said–and I kid you not–that he thought I’d want to do the dishes, that it would help me feel at home. I almost asked him to take me back to the hospital … lol.
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That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Good thing he is an ex boyfriend.
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heh heh … it was the beginning of the end of the relationship 😉
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I would say. 😁
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If the significant other is of the controlling persuasion, any one of these would spell certain disaster.
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Yes, it would.
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The most important question for the significant other is, “When will you be getting home?” Hey, I need a chance to clean up and complete the illusion that this is how it’s been since she was gone.
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Ha ha ha.
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Oh, these are funny, John! #7 made me laugh, and I love to rearrange furniture! 🙂
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Just keep the food stool out of the way. 😁
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LOL!!
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Should be foot stool. Food stool seems funnier.
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I knew what you meant, but did get a chuckle out of food stool. 😂😂
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😊
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😂😂😂 Thank you for this list, dear John! Number 8-5 I shall keep in mind! 😎😎😎
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This was really funny! Oh, the orchid! 😳
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Ha ha ha. 😁
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😀
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DON’T…DO…NOTHING. PERIOD.
BTW, good thing you checked out of all personal responsibility right at the start. Smart.
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Ha ha ha. Your advice is very sound. Just sit there.
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So, I guess you’re saying if my significant other is out of town, I should go into the closet, close the door and await her return. Sage advice, mi amigo.
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And hand cuff yourself to the pole.
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Great post. very funny and engaging. Would love for you to give my blog a read sometimes 🙂
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I did go there and it looks like a wealth of relationship information is available to your readers. Best wishes.
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Would love to hear if you have any tips/ideas for my blog!
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The only tip I can give is blogging is a personal thing. People want to know who is behind the words. I think in the “about” section you should tell people something about yourself.
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I will incorporate that! Great tip, thanks! ❤️
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