Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

 


Photo by Vni Vinay on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on October 24, 2016. Since our significant others still leave, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

The inspiration for this list was a traveling Producer two weeks ago. She was visiting the youngest for an extended weekend. I say the inspiration was her visit; nothing in this list pertains to me. Ahem.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Your Significant Other is Out of Town

10 If your significant other is out of town, do not organize an all-night card party. If you do, at best, there will be minor damage that can be covered up. At worst, the guest who never gets drunk decides to have too much of a dark red Cabernet just before passing out holding a full glass on your significant otherโ€™s favorite white couch. (You might as well set fire to the house right now.)

9 If your significant other is out of town, do not decide to create and work on your own to-do list. If you do, at best, you might get one thing on the list right. At worst, you will finish the list only to discover that all the items were things your significant other wanted to do. (Well, you now have a big problem since you know everything needs to be redone.)

8 If your significant other is out of town, do not even think of not doing the dishes. If you donโ€™t do them, at best, the homecoming will be less joyous. At worst, that heavy trash can is a hint that your dirty dishes no longer exist. (You could have saved yourself on this one, Bunkie. You were warned.)

7 If your significant other is out of town, do not take the kids or dogs for a new haircut. If you do, at best, you will have to repeat the rule on which part of parenting you are not responsible. At worst, you will end up at the hair cutter demanding another cut. (You also have orders not to pay another red cent. So, now you have to hide the payment as well.)

6 If your significant other is out of town, do not rearrange the furniture. If you do, at best, your significant other will trip and fall over the ottoman which wasnโ€™t there before. At worst, deep relationship issues around change communication could result. (You didnโ€™t know the depth of insecurity there, did you?)

5 If your significant other is out of town, do not think putting the spices in alphabetical order is a good idea. If you do, at best, your significant other will be confused at first but catch on. At worst, you will be asked one hundred times to locate the chili powder. (Some people just donโ€™t get the idea of chili powder being under โ€œCโ€ and not โ€œP,โ€ no matter how many times you explain it to Tiny, who, as WWF world wrestling Champ, should get it.)

4 If your significant other is out of town, do not use treats to get the kids or pets to behave. If you do, at best, they will rat you out immediately upon the significant otherโ€™s return. At worst, you will have created a behavior modification system requiring increasing amounts of treats to sustain. (It is like being on a substance abuse treadmill, isnโ€™t it, Grover.)

3 If your significant other is out of town, do not lock yourself out of the house. If you do, at best, you can convince one of the kids to open the door. At worst, you will become increasingly hysterical as your darling children not only refuse to open the door but decide to begin playing chef with your butane Cream Brule caramelizing torch. (Try explaining this one, Buford.)

2 If your significant other is out of town, do not forget to follow the plant watering instructions to the letter. If you do forget, at best, the droops will go away after you do remember. At worst, you spot the prize orchid taking a dive just as your significant other pulls into the driveway. (This was the orchid that would have taken first place at the flower show that your spouse has been working on for over a year. It just doesnโ€™t get any worse.)

1 If your significant other is out of town, do not expect a souvenir. If you do, at best, your reward will be a small bottle of conditioner from Days Inn. At worst, you will get a T-shirt that reads, โ€œMy significant other went to Las Vegas, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt,โ€ two sizes too small. (Another car polish rag, right Ralph?)

89 comments

  1. Lols, John! ๐Ÿ˜‚ Thanks for the advice and laughs. Have a wonderful week ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Harmony. I hope your week is terrific. ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am printing this and giving it to hubby. OK, he doesn’t do card parties but he doesn’t do the dishes either!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Makes you wonder how many days of dishes do you have? Thanks, Darlene.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m sure he uses some of them over but I don’t really want to now. Pizza can be eaten out of the pan/box.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for sharing, Michael.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. My pleasure, John! xx Michael

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Great advices, John! Thanks also for the laughter, and have a nice week! xx Michael

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You as well, Michael. Thank you.

      Like

  4. Kind of glad I donโ€™t have to worry about this any more.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Good one.

      Like

  5. 1, 2 and 3 are to die for, John. Great job!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Hmm, #8 sounds suspicious to me. Thank you for the laughter, John. Have a great one! ๐Ÿ˜„

    Like

    1. Thank you, Gwen. Thank heavens for the Bosch.

      Like

  7. Are you certain that card party never happened?

    Great list, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Can’t vouch for the kids but I’m innocent. Thanks, Dan.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Hubby is out of town this week, which is good because I tested positive for Covid (again) yesterday, so it’s pretty safe to say none of these are on my list this week. More like reading and getting caught up on blogs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope you feel better soon. Is this your third time?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Second. Despite all of us wearing masks, looks like a patient infected the whole office last week. We’re all down with it.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Aw. I’m sorry.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Sounds like Old Whatโ€™s Her Face is planning to visit family again soon. Iโ€™ll order a large pizza and ration it over the days, using only paper towels as dishes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sounds like a plan. ๐Ÿ˜

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Well, 9, 8, 3 and 2 came into play recently. I never got to anything on the to-do list!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Always the case with to do lists, Noelle.

      Like

  11. D.L. Finn, Author · · Reply

    I will keep this list in mind, next time. Good ones…lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Denise. ๐Ÿ˜Š

      Like

  12. This list gets saved for future usage. Of course, mistakes have already been made in a couple of these areas lol. Better late than never, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You could always say you didn’t know on the past ones. Thanks, Bruce.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Anonymous · · Reply

    Wise advice, John. Thanks for the morning humor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Always a pleasure.

      Like

  14. Our ongoing joke, when Mary is going away, is that I can invite the floozies. ๐Ÿคฃ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Do the floozies play cards?

      Like

      1. Are you thinking of a special kind of card game? ๐Ÿคฃ

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Maybe we’re thinking of the same kind of card game – not that I have ever taken part in one.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. We’re good guys, aren’t we? ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Or the dumb guys

        Like

  15. Good advice, John. ๐Ÿ™‚ My own agenda is to have fun but stay out of jail.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Having a SWAT team show up at the house is not a good thing. Thanks, Tim

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Hi John, I have certainly done 10 but it was when I stilled lived in my parents home and they were away. Eeek!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah I think everyone has tried at least having friends over when the rents hit the road.

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Good advice, John. I can relate to #3, sadly. ‘Nuff said!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes ’nuff said.

      Liked by 1 person

  18. These are great, John!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Jill

      Like

  19. Hmmmm … sounds to me like you just might have some personal experience in some of these, despite your initial denial! ๐Ÿค”

    Liked by 1 person

  20. A great list, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I totally agree with number 3, Joh.! Other than that… go at it. Hopefully, I’m somewhere having a spa weekend with girlfriends. Just don’t make me come home! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Love this list, John.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks, Jacqui. ๐Ÿ˜

      Liked by 1 person

  23. I’m not gonna lie, when I was left to my own devices whilst married, I might have done one or two of the things on this list. Or maybe several more than that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah it can happen for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, I know it ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

  24. Hilarious, John! Fortunately (for him), my significant other no longer goes out of town without me ๐Ÿ˜‰ But you remind me how many, many years ago when I was with a previous boyfriend, I came home from six weeks in the hospital to find our apartment a complete mess. A sink full of dirty dishes was the worst. He said–and I kid you not–that he thought I’d want to do the dishes, that it would help me feel at home. I almost asked him to take me back to the hospital … lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is the lamest excuse I have ever heard. Good thing he is an ex boyfriend.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. heh heh … it was the beginning of the end of the relationship ๐Ÿ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I would say. ๐Ÿ˜

        Liked by 1 person

  25. If the significant other is of the controlling persuasion, any one of these would spell certain disaster.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, it would.

      Liked by 1 person

  26. petespringerauthor · · Reply

    The most important question for the significant other is, “When will you be getting home?” Hey, I need a chance to clean up and complete the illusion that this is how it’s been since she was gone.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. Oh, these are funny, John! #7 made me laugh, and I love to rearrange furniture! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Just keep the food stool out of the way. ๐Ÿ˜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Should be foot stool. Food stool seems funnier.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I knew what you meant, but did get a chuckle out of food stool. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

        Liked by 1 person

  28. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚ Thank you for this list, dear John! Number 8-5 I shall keep in mind! ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž

    Liked by 1 person

  29. This was really funny! Oh, the orchid! ๐Ÿ˜ณ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. ๐Ÿ˜

      Liked by 1 person

  30. DON’T…DO…NOTHING. PERIOD.
    BTW, good thing you checked out of all personal responsibility right at the start. Smart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha ha ha. Your advice is very sound. Just sit there.

      Like

  31. So, I guess you’re saying if my significant other is out of town, I should go into the closet, close the door and await her return. Sage advice, mi amigo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And hand cuff yourself to the pole.

      Like

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