This post was initially run on January 2, 2017. However, since we are coming off a Veterans Day holiday, I thought it would be good to reread this Monday morning.
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The inspiration for this list comes from the memory of having to return to the day job after a long weekend like we are having now. It seems the wounds are just beginning to heal, and it is time to go back to the battle, only to be reopened again. This list has been developed so that the temptation to stay home on Tuesday is successfully avoided.
Top Ten Excuses Not to Use For Skipping Work
10 If you want to skip work, do not tell the boss your dog ate your driver’s license. If you do, at best, your boss will wonder why you can’t take public transportation. At worst, your boss will send a car only to discover that you are still in your pajamas. (What made you think the boss would be working and allow you to stay home, huh, Bunky?)
9 If you want to skip work, do not call in holding your nose to support your sickness claim. If you do, at best, the boss will think you were overserved over the holiday. At worst, you will get a call from human resources with your appointment at the substance abuse treatment center. (That went well, didn’t it, Bosco?)
8 If you want to skip work, do not blame the weather for not getting to the office. If you do, at best, you will be the only one not at the office. At worst, the weather you thought would hit your town moved out of the area. (Here, you are looking at the sun trying to explain the absence of snow, sleet, and ice. Better luck next time, Buford.)
7 If you want to skip work, do not blame the mechanical failure of your auto. If you do, at best, some boss sycophant will volunteer to come to get you. At worst, you’ll be at the drive-through for lunch, and your boss will be in the car behind you. (At least you got the morning before you magically made the repair. Right, Bucky?)
6 If you want to skip work, do not pretend you are out of town and the planes are all grounded. If you do, at best, there will be some bad weather somewhere, and you picked it right. At worst, just after hanging up with the boss, a newscast will come on, extolling the fact that there were no flight delays for the first time ever. (Well, you will have an additional story to tell tomorrow. Right Bud. How about the fact that your plane was hijacked?)
5 If you want to skip work, do not use the excuse that your spouse is ill and needs care. If you do, at best, the sympathy calls will give you little rest. At worst, the knowledge of the collection at work and the bouquet of flowers that shows up in the afternoon convince you to quit. (This was not the outcome you wanted. Or was it. Roscoe?)
4 If you want to skip work, do not report that you are telecommuting to the boss. If you do, at best, you will get some additional assignments and be forced to work anyway. At worst, you will get a critical call that goes unanswered which triggers a massive shutdown of IT systems. (You forgot about the fail-safe hacking control. It is a shame since you set it up, Bubba)
3 If you want to skip work, do not report you to have an off-site meeting with a customer. If you do, at best, you can always say the client canceled the meeting. At worst, you get a call from the boss who decided to meet you at the customer’s office, letting you know the client is in Bangkok. (Now is the time to try to carry off the fact that you are in Bangkok. Good luck with that, Rube)
2 If you want to skip work, do not set up an elaborate scheme that includes throwing a punch at Tiny, the WWF Champion. If you do, at best, the detailed plan will fall through. At worst, your stay in the hospital will not compensate for the one day off. (Why you decided to throw a punch at Tiny is still debated in the company halls. You did pick up some street cred, though, Buddy.)
1 If you want to skip work, do not enlist fellow workers as co-conspirators in whatever excuse you choose. If you do, at best, you will owe the favor. At worst, the boss will get a confession from the weakest link, and you will be given up in a heartbeat. (I guess you could have predicted the result. Couldn’t you Sucker?)