Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Dannie Jing on Unsplash

 

This was posted on March 21, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.

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If you are like me, you don’t often go to the museum, but when visiting, you like to have as little to do with other people as possible. The inspiration for this list is the sometimes annoying behavior of other visitors on these rare visit occasions. I live on an island and have visited the local museum many times, so my other museum visits involve travel and time. The trouble of getting to a museum is why I’m incredibly annoyed when others seem to believe space is theirs to do as they please.

 

Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum

10 If you are visiting a museum in the kid’s section, do not hog all the interactive displays. If you do, at best, you will upset your kids. At worst, you will give new meaning to the term bully. (Sure, the electricity display is fun, but come on, Rufus, give the kids a break)

9 If you are in a museum, do not continue walking around in your squeaky shoes. If you do, at best, you will annoy everyone you pass. At worst, your squeaks will spark an instinctive urge to kill in Tiny, the WWF ex-world champ just released from a treatment facility. (Yes, his eyes are glowing red, and he’s coming your way)

8 If you are in an Art museum, do not loudly vocalize your profound understanding of the artist’s motivation in any work.  If you do, at best, those around you will have validation you don’t know anything about art. At worst, you may have to put up for the rest of your visit with a similarly-minded art aficionado who hasn’t had a bath in months. (You really have something to say about the piece titled “My Poop?)

7 If you are in a museum, do not touch a painting. If you do, at best, a kindly octogenarian guard will ask you to step away. At worst, you will have to be quick to avoid the falling gate and the tear gas before you are tackled by a SWAT Team member. (Now you know the sign “Do Not Touch The Art” is not kidding. Don’t worry. You’ll make bail.)

6 If you are in a museum, do not take pictures. If you do, at best, you will be asked to stop. At worst, your camera will be confiscated, and you will be charged a royalty for each picture. (Of course, instead of paying, you could always let them keep your camera or phone)

5 If you are in a museum, do not talk back in a loud voice to the recorded tour you hear in your headphones. If you do, at best, all you’ll get are strange looks. At worst, some well-meaning person will call EMS since they are convinced you are in an overdose situation. (The tip-off for them was when you were arguing with the recording about the meaning of a black hole.)

4 If you are in a museum, do not try to help the staff by removing a dinosaur tibia bone because you thought it would fall. If you do, at best, the bone is going to fall on its own before you touch it. At worst, the bone was the cornerstone of the entire dinosaur skeleton, and although it looked like it would fall was positioned that way because it supported the whole ten thousand bone construction. (It only took museum employees four years to construct what took four seconds for you to make into a pile. Sneaking out before discovery might be a life-saving measure)

3 If you visit a primarily adult display museum, do not take kids under three years old. If you do, at best, you will be worn out trying to keep them quiet. At worst, the time of the rest of the people in the museum will be spent wishing you could keep them quiet and how to get you all to leave. (Better a trip to the park next time)

2 If you visit an art museum, do not discuss out loud your art at home as it compares to the masters. If you do, at best, others will think you are a braggart. At worst, you might be overheard by an enterprising but out-of-work youth who will surprise you in the middle of the night while helping himself to your paintings. (Now, don’t you feel foolish discussing those Wal-Mart knock-offs?)

1 If you visit an art museum, do not comment on the nude statues in your outside voice. If you do, at best, some may be offended by your observations. At worst, you may unknowingly violate some local indecency ordinance when referring to particular body parts. (Most everyone will admit after you were taken away, the way you wove Da Vinci’s David into your locker room joke was pretty funny)

82 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum”

  5. This reminds me of the first time I went to the Guggenheim and a fellow with an accent straight outta Flatbush made it a point to bash the abstracts at every turn. We had the unfortunate circumstance of having begun the walk through the museum with him and his embarrassed girlfriend. After a couple three rants, we lost him. What a knob.

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  10. There are more than a few of these eejits out and about.
    I think it’s great to expose your kids to museums – as long as you realise that their attention spans are short and don’t drag them unwillingly and wailingly through. Best is to have a pass and bring them for short 30-min sessions…
    Happy Monday!

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  13. I’ve encountered almost all of these, John, although I must say my visits to museums are far fewer these days. There are some great ones in Houston, but the traffic between here and there, and the even more annoying human traffic in the museums themselves, means it takes a special exhibit to pull me in.

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  17. Sound advice! I wish some of the ‘children’ who threw tomato soup and mashed potatoes and other food on the Grand Masters and then glued themselves to the walls would listen.

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  21. I always find it fascinating when Mrs. Chess and I are in stores which insist on stacking up glassware. And then, letting customers try to navigate around it all without accidentally buying a bunch of it when some crashes to the floor. These shopping experiences find me well-prepared for any future visit to a museum, where the idea is to look but not touch. Lots of laughs here, John!

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  23. I think we have all had the crying baby or screaming child; the know-it-all art critic; the photo taker who pushes you aside; and the child who needs to be pulled away from the display…and on and on.
    Can smile now, but was not always fun at the time.

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  25. I loved this post, John. Tiny needs to clone himself so he can halt those annoying squeaky shoes in every museum. On my one visit to the Uffizi Museum, there was a large crowd blocking the pathway. The doorway was right there, so I ducked under the big red rope and came way too close to an early renaissance painting. They motioned for me to go back to the outside of the rope. That was it. Thank you Florence, Italy. That would never have happened so casually here in America.

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  27. Keeping kids quiet does wear a person down. It reminds me of a few field trips I took with kids around docents that didn’t have much experience or patience for working with kids.

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  28. People can be trying, can’t they? It’s so annoying when you’re minding your own business, looking at the exhibits, when along comes some know-it-all, who proceeds to “educate the simpletons” with his observations.

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  31. Art museums have their uses as I learnt just the other day. It seems a popular male Hollywood actor got his first name because his pregnant mother felt the first kick when she was looking at a painting of, who else, da Vinci. Any guesses who the actor is?

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