Photo by Dannie Jing on Unsplash
This was posted on March 21, 2016. I hope you enjoy it.
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If you are like me, you don’t often go to the museum, but when visiting, you like to have as little to do with other people as possible. The inspiration for this list is the sometimes annoying behavior of other visitors on these rare visit occasions. I live on an island and have visited the local museum many times, so my other museum visits involve travel and time. The trouble of getting to a museum is why I’m incredibly annoyed when others seem to believe space is theirs to do as they please.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in a Museum
10 If you are visiting a museum in the kid’s section, do not hog all the interactive displays. If you do, at best, you will upset your kids. At worst, you will give new meaning to the term bully. (Sure, the electricity display is fun, but come on, Rufus, give the kids a break)
9 If you are in a museum, do not continue walking around in your squeaky shoes. If you do, at best, you will annoy everyone you pass. At worst, your squeaks will spark an instinctive urge to kill in Tiny, the WWF ex-world champ just released from a treatment facility. (Yes, his eyes are glowing red, and he’s coming your way)
8 If you are in an Art museum, do not loudly vocalize your profound understanding of the artist’s motivation in any work. If you do, at best, those around you will have validation you don’t know anything about art. At worst, you may have to put up for the rest of your visit with a similarly-minded art aficionado who hasn’t had a bath in months. (You really have something to say about the piece titled “My Poop?)
7 If you are in a museum, do not touch a painting. If you do, at best, a kindly octogenarian guard will ask you to step away. At worst, you will have to be quick to avoid the falling gate and the tear gas before you are tackled by a SWAT Team member. (Now you know the sign “Do Not Touch The Art” is not kidding. Don’t worry. You’ll make bail.)
6 If you are in a museum, do not take pictures. If you do, at best, you will be asked to stop. At worst, your camera will be confiscated, and you will be charged a royalty for each picture. (Of course, instead of paying, you could always let them keep your camera or phone)
5 If you are in a museum, do not talk back in a loud voice to the recorded tour you hear in your headphones. If you do, at best, all you’ll get are strange looks. At worst, some well-meaning person will call EMS since they are convinced you are in an overdose situation. (The tip-off for them was when you were arguing with the recording about the meaning of a black hole.)
4 If you are in a museum, do not try to help the staff by removing a dinosaur tibia bone because you thought it would fall. If you do, at best, the bone is going to fall on its own before you touch it. At worst, the bone was the cornerstone of the entire dinosaur skeleton, and although it looked like it would fall was positioned that way because it supported the whole ten thousand bone construction. (It only took museum employees four years to construct what took four seconds for you to make into a pile. Sneaking out before discovery might be a life-saving measure)
3 If you visit a primarily adult display museum, do not take kids under three years old. If you do, at best, you will be worn out trying to keep them quiet. At worst, the time of the rest of the people in the museum will be spent wishing you could keep them quiet and how to get you all to leave. (Better a trip to the park next time)
2 If you visit an art museum, do not discuss out loud your art at home as it compares to the masters. If you do, at best, others will think you are a braggart. At worst, you might be overheard by an enterprising but out-of-work youth who will surprise you in the middle of the night while helping himself to your paintings. (Now, don’t you feel foolish discussing those Wal-Mart knock-offs?)
1 If you visit an art museum, do not comment on the nude statues in your outside voice. If you do, at best, some may be offended by your observations. At worst, you may unknowingly violate some local indecency ordinance when referring to particular body parts. (Most everyone will admit after you were taken away, the way you wove Da Vinci’s David into your locker room joke was pretty funny)
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Reblogged this on https:/BOOKS.ESLARN-NET.DE.
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Thank you, Michael.
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Very good advices, John! We should print out and publish on every entrance of a museum. Especially point eight. 😉 Best wishes for a wonderful week! xx Michael
P.S.: Lakeway is on an isle, really?
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That intro was posted in 2016 when I lived on an island. Have a great week, Michael. 😁
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I wondered about that!
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Thanks for the clarification, John!;-)I just found a nice old song.Lol https://youtu.be/XpWnh5ETW2w Don’t be annoyed. xx Michael
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From what I could understand I should be annoyed but it was pretty funny..
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I agree with you about #8, Michael! Very obnoxious, ruins the visit.
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#8 is so awkward. One reason I prefer natural history museums over art ones.
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It becomes hard not to want to slap those pretentious snobs.
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I have encountered a couple of these. At those times, I wished I had Tiny’s bulk and built-in excuse. Great list, John.
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The bulk coupled with a low growl would be perfect.
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This reminds me of the first time I went to the Guggenheim and a fellow with an accent straight outta Flatbush made it a point to bash the abstracts at every turn. We had the unfortunate circumstance of having begun the walk through the museum with him and his embarrassed girlfriend. After a couple three rants, we lost him. What a knob.
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I love the term knob. I had a similar experience at the Met. My guy was an effete impudent snob (thank you Spiro Agnew) from London. Wanted to bash him with the nearest Ming vase.
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It applied.
My thing is, why go in the first place if you’re going to behave like that? Go to a football game or something!
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Large segments of the population believe they are the only beings on the planet that count.
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So true.
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😊
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I don’t remember the last time I read a Spiro Agnew reference. My dad’s favorite expression of his was “nattering nabobs of negativism.”
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That is a good one. Good reminder.
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🙂
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Number 5 had me cracking up. As always, good advice!
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Thank you, Joan. 😊
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Those kid sections are kind of off-putting. I’ve seen them with snot running down their faces, touching everything. They should have CDC members on staff.
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🤣
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A great list that had me laughing.
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Great news, Lauren.
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Oh wow, you need to have these posted outside every museum!!!!!
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Thanks, GP. 😊
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There are more than a few of these eejits out and about.
I think it’s great to expose your kids to museums – as long as you realise that their attention spans are short and don’t drag them unwillingly and wailingly through. Best is to have a pass and bring them for short 30-min sessions…
Happy Monday!
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Great idea, Dale. 😊
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I’ve heard it is – I wasn’t inclined to try it myself and sort of regret that I didn’t.
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These are hilarious, John!
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Thank you, Jill. 😁
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There’s always someone trying to impress everyone else with their (lack of) knowledge. So annoying.
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I agree. Annoying is an understatement.
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I’ve encountered almost all of these, John, although I must say my visits to museums are far fewer these days. There are some great ones in Houston, but the traffic between here and there, and the even more annoying human traffic in the museums themselves, means it takes a special exhibit to pull me in.
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I’m with you, Linda. Sometimes not worth the hassle
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Great list, John. I love going to museums and have encountered folks as you described. Ugh. In June I’m spending time with my kids in NYC and will visit the Met. 😊
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My favorite. 😊
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I do believe I would pay extra to have the museum to myself (and my husband, of course).
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Another great idea, Liz.
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John,
You did it. I laughed (out loud) at every one of these. Charlotte even yelled at me.
So “well done” sir !!
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I’m glad you liked them. Thanks for letting me know. Charlotte was probably concerned you might have a stroke.
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Sound advice! I wish some of the ‘children’ who threw tomato soup and mashed potatoes and other food on the Grand Masters and then glued themselves to the walls would listen.
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Yes. It would be good if they did.
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Ha! Ha! I have some of those annoying squeaky shoes, but they’re so comfortable. 🙂 And on my goodness, do not touch the dinosaur skeleton!! Good ones, John!
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Thank you, Jan
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This is hilarious, John. I can just “picture” most of these happening. I love playing the kids’ interactive area. I’ll try not to hog the supplies next time. 😀
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The kids would appreciate that too.
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Thanks for the smiles these brought to my face, John. 🙂
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I’m glad you got some smiles, Tim.
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I always find it fascinating when Mrs. Chess and I are in stores which insist on stacking up glassware. And then, letting customers try to navigate around it all without accidentally buying a bunch of it when some crashes to the floor. These shopping experiences find me well-prepared for any future visit to a museum, where the idea is to look but not touch. Lots of laughs here, John!
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I’m glad you enjoyed it Bruce. I know of those glass stores and I stay outside.
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Good ones, and its time to visit some museums again.
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I agree.
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I think we have all had the crying baby or screaming child; the know-it-all art critic; the photo taker who pushes you aside; and the child who needs to be pulled away from the display…and on and on.
Can smile now, but was not always fun at the time.
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Yup and I feel your pain. Thanks, Karen.
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Number 1 is the top, dear John! However when you see the real David by Michelangelo it is so difficult to leave him without a comment. 😂😂😂🍤🍤🍤🍻
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Yes, I would like to go to Florence to see him. Maybe some day.
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I loved this post, John. Tiny needs to clone himself so he can halt those annoying squeaky shoes in every museum. On my one visit to the Uffizi Museum, there was a large crowd blocking the pathway. The doorway was right there, so I ducked under the big red rope and came way too close to an early renaissance painting. They motioned for me to go back to the outside of the rope. That was it. Thank you Florence, Italy. That would never have happened so casually here in America.
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Those laid back Italians. Lucky for you. Thanks, for sharing.
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Very lucky for me. Laid back is their way of life, which can be a very good thing.
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It is. 😊
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Lol. Love this! I don’t often visit museums but yeah, I’ve seen those attendees.
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Thank you, Traci
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Keeping kids quiet does wear a person down. It reminds me of a few field trips I took with kids around docents that didn’t have much experience or patience for working with kids.
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That must have given you a neck ache for sure. Thanks, Pete.
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People can be trying, can’t they? It’s so annoying when you’re minding your own business, looking at the exhibits, when along comes some know-it-all, who proceeds to “educate the simpletons” with his observations.
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So true, Debbie. Thanks.
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These are so good. I love visiting museums and get so annoyed at the know-it-alls.
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Me too. (obviously)
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You hit this one, John.
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Thank you, Michele
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Art museums have their uses as I learnt just the other day. It seems a popular male Hollywood actor got his first name because his pregnant mother felt the first kick when she was looking at a painting of, who else, da Vinci. Any guesses who the actor is?
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Must be DiCaprio.
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You are at the top of your game 🙂
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ACME is my middle name.
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“… you like to have as little to do with other people as possible …”
Oh man! You know me so well!!!
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Ha ha ha.
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For some reason my shoes are only squeaky in museums 😂
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It means they want to stop in the coffee shop.
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