Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

~ John W. Howell
Photo by CDC on Unsplash

 

This post originally ran on April 10, 2017. Since we all still (or should) go to the eye doctor, I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

The inspiration for this list was living through the replay of the eye doctor visit with our youngest. Since she is a millennial, we were glad that she went to the eye doctor, so we were passively listening to the blow-by-blow description of the visit.

Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor

10 If you are at the eye doctor, do not guess at the letters on the chart. If you do, at best, you’ll have to retake the test. At worst, the doctor will outfit you with coke bottle lenses that render you sightless. (Seemed like a good joke until the $400 bill was put in your hand, huh, Ferd?)

9 If you are at the eye doctor, do not hesitate when asked which lens is better, one or two? If you do, at best, you’ll get a third choice that doesn’t work. At worst, you’ll spend the afternoon reviewing the lens tests until you finally declare a preference. (It makes you wonder why you are so indecisive, huh, Buford?)

8 If you are at the eye doctor, do not turn down the grandfather sunglasses if your eyes have been dilated. If you do, at best, you may hurt yourself squinting. At worst, you’ll never see Tiny, the WWF champ stepping off the curb. (Always wondered what it is like to run into a rhinoceros, did you? Buster? Now he looks pretty mad.)

7 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have garlic bread for lunch. If you do, at best, your exam may be from across the room. At worst, the doctor must call in a hazmat crew to remove you and your smell from the office. (Sure looked good on the menu, huh, Pard?)

6 If you are at the eye doctor, do not complain about the magazines. If you do, at best, the doctor will raise your bill to cover improvements. At worst, the magazines were a personal choice by the doctor and sold by the underprivileged children of the doctor’s church. (You wish for an atomic bomb blast to take you out right now, right, Slick?)

5 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to tell the doctor what you think you need regarding a prescription. If you do, at best, the doctor will ignore you. At worst, the doctor will refer you to the eye doctor next door who happens to specialize in large animals. (You look pretty foolish in that  stall, Slug.)

4 If you are at the eye doctor, do not have a few drinks before. If you do, at best, the doctor will be able to detect the fact. At worst, the doctor will be calling social services to set you up with a counselor for the seeing impaired. (Why all these people think you need help is beyond you, isn’t it, Putz?)

3 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best, you’ll realize your face is the problem. At worst, the office will close, and you’ll find yourself on the street with two monocles in your hand. (Try to figure out how to use those, Tex. A hint. You have to arch your eyebrow.)

2 If you are at the eye doctor, do not try to stay within your insurance budget. If you do, at best, you get half a pair of glasses. At worst, you might be able to make it work if you give up on the nose and ear pieces. (You are right back to the monocle, aren’t you, Pal)

1 If you are at the eye doctor, do not argue about going to stronger lenses. If you do, at best, you will appear petty and self-absorbed. At worst, you will demonstrate your fear of getting older, which your doctor will take as a cry for help. (I hope you are enjoying your group therapy sessions. Come on, tell us how you really feel. That’s where it’s at, isn’t it, Bunky?)

60 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at the Eye Doctor”

  2. Terrific! There’s only one style I think look passable on me. My problem is the lens. When they flip those two choices, I think there should be a third, one between them.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That one about the sunglasses: believe it. I once tried driving home from Houston too soon after a dilation, thinking my usual sunglassses would do the trick. Not so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You’ve just reminded me I should go to have my eyes checked… it’s been a while!
    Hardest part is choosing the frames! I’ll start early 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  13. After cataract surgery and two retinal detachment surgeries…all in the same eye, you’d think I would be tired of seeing eye doctors. But after all of that, being able to see them is well worth the trip. Sound advice on the garlic, John. I’ve been on both sides of that scenario!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Very humorous and quite true! But I tried those sunglasses one time and found they were too dark to see well. I looked down the street without them and decided I could see fine for the short drive home. What I didn’t consider was that after I turned I would be driving right into the afternoon sun! I’ve never squinted so much in my life or been so glad to make it home!

    Like

  15. Ooh, guessing at the letters. I suspect most eye doctors expect the majority of folks to do just that. It’s a wonder, really, how we ever get glasses to serve us properly, when we fiddle with the test!

    Like

  18. I started wearing glasses at age 4. Somewhere around the age of 8 or 9, I got tired of being teased by other kids at school, so at my next eye exam I thought I’d fool the doc into thinking I no longer needed glasses! Needless to say, it didn’t work and I ended up having to go back again, after the doc had a little talk with my parents and then they had a little ‘talk’ with me!!! Lesson learned!

    Fun post, John!

    Like

  20. “If you are at the eye doctor, do not try on one hundred pairs of frames. If you do, at best, you’ll realize your face is the problem. ” LOL. I nearly fell out of chair with that one, John. What a riot! Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

  24. I had my first eye doctor visit in fifteen years a couple of weeks ago! #9 is the one that always gets me. I don’t know which one’s better. They both look the same. Too much pressure!!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Number 4 hits home. This is a true story: Once I had an eye doctor ask me how much I drank in a day. I didn’t want to shock him so I cut my intake down by 95% when I told him, thinking that wouldn’t shock him. Well, his mouth dropped open and he shook his head in disbelief. He just couldn’t believe anyone could drink that much in one day. Imagine if I had told him the truth? I would have had to pick him up off the floor.

    That was 21 years ago. I’m still drinkin’ … and I think he got hit by a bus or something ’cause he ain’t around no more.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. The cover of your book Contract appeared on my screen on the right of the page just as I finished reading the eye doctor post. At first glance, the title appeared as Cataract to me. Then I looked again and it became Contract. I am wondering if I should go to the eye doctor or the psychiatrist.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.