Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash
This post first ran on January 16th, 2017. Since wine tastings are still happening, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list is attending some wine-tasting events in my time. The Producer worked as a marketing person for a winery in Northern California and was required to taste wine every week. Of course, she was a professional and would delight in witnessing some of the events listed. Since I was well-schooled by her, I never made these faux pas. (I would have died on the spot if I had.) I hope you enjoy it.
10 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not insist on special glasses to claim to have a whole tasting experience. If you do, at best, the rest of the gathering will take you for an idiot. At worst, the host will produce special glasses, and then you will be on the spot to render a scholarly opinion. (Up to tonight, your experience has been Boon’s Farm Apple Red, right, Buford?)
9 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not throw back the wine as if it is a shot of tequila. If you do, at best, your drink preference and sophistication will show through. At worst, you will find yourself all alone as the discussion turns to the merits of the wine. (No one cares what you think about wine and probably thinks your chewing tobacco will get in the way of an honest opinion anyway, Tex.)
8 If you are attending a wine tasting, don’t forget the crackers are to cleanse the palette, not a meal. If you do, at best, the host will move them away from you. At worst, you might be subtly offered a place in the kitchen where the host promises a bucket of fried chicken and a six-pack of Keystone Light. (You think that offer might not be so bad until you see the look on your spouse’s face huh, Bunky?)
7 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not start describing the various flavors of the wine unless you know what you are talking about. If you do, at best, you will get polite nods at your incredible ignorance. At worst, someone will ask the host to send you to the store for more crackers. (You will find out coal oil is not a legitimate taste on the flavor wheel, Buster.)
6 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not try to sneak Two-Buck Chuck in a brown bag into the line-up. If you do, at best, the host security system video will show your placement of the bottle. At worst, one of the wine snobs will involuntarily spew the wine on Tiny, the WWF champ. (Right now, Tiny is going from guest to guest demanding to know who brought the wine. You have always been a lousy liar, and your turn is next, right, Weenie?)
5 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not forget you are not supposed to swallow the wine. If you do, at best, you will need a ride home. At worst, you will decide to inform all the guests what you think of each personally, identifying what you consider a flaw in their personality needing correction. (The next morning will be a beauty, especially when you learn what you called your boss.)
4 If you are attending a wine tasting, it is best not to wear a white shirt. If you forget, at best, you are very careful and escape embarrassment. At worst, someone asks a question and surprises you just as you raise the glass to your lips. (Maybe that shirt will make a nice car wax rag or a tie-dye coverup.)
3 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not over-swirl your wine. If you do at best, your glass will be big enough to keep the wine under control. At worst, your red wine swirl will go outside the glass, and land on the white linen couch the host just explained was made to order and arrived this afternoon. (Make no mistake, you are now the proud owner of that couch, Cowboy.)
2 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not ask for ice for your wine. If you do, at best, your host will take your wine. At worst, your host will ask you to go to the convenience store to pick up a twenty-pound bag. (It is hoped that the tasting is over before you can return, Slick.)
1 If you are attending a wine tasting, try not to argue with experts about the quality of a particular wine. If you do, at best, even if you are right, you will look particularly brutish. At worst, one of the experts just got his graduation certificate from the anger management course mandated by the courts after being arrested for assaulting a wine steward at a restaurant for disagreeing with him on wine quality. (Looks like a knuckle sandwich is on the menu, Pal.)
Fiction Favorites 
Who knew wine tasting could be so risky.
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I know right?
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That Keystone Light is sounding better and better.
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Carbonated defrost for sure.
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haha, too many rules, John. I’m glad wine upsets my stomach now!!
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Wine is one of my food groups so I’m glad it doesn’t upset mine. Thank, GP.
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LOL! Number eight cracked me up!
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I liked that one too, Jill. Thanks for letting me know you got a laugh. 😁
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Rule substitution. #1 Do not wear your “I am a common sewer of wine and beer” tee shirt to the event.
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🤣
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Had to chuckle at the comment about the boss on #5. 🙂
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I was certainly capable of a dumb move like that. But for the grace of God.
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I’ll remember these and share when I go this weekend .. too funny!🤩
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I hope you have a great tine, Cindy. You would never do any of these I’m sure.
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These are SO spot on! Especially the one about announcing the flavors in the wine. It’s an immediate clue as to who the idiot in the group really is.
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I know. For all the wine I’ve tasted I’ve missed sensing the leather notes. (Thank heavens)
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This is why I stick with beer, John. Great list. Number two made me laugh out loud.
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A laugh out loud is a victory. Thanks for letting me know, Dan. Just made my day.
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Having been to a few wine tastings, there is always one of the above present… give or take 😉
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Yes there is. It is fun to observe them though.
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That is so true!!
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Good ones, John! However, the closest I get to wine-tasting is asking “Would you like some cheese with your whine?” 🙂
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That is a good one except for using with “One who needs to be obeyed.”
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🙂
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Great list John. Ironically all ten are welcome at my beer tasting parties. You really can’t do anything wrong.
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Funny. I never got an invite to one of them. 🤔
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John, you were at many of them, but you probably don’t remember. For example, drinking all of the Carona at the El Con in Tucson.
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See I do remember. In fact we warned those El Con idiots that such a thing could happen and they didn’t listen. I thought you were talking about other beer tastings. I have to admit I enjoyed every event you put together and you are right I attended a lot of them.
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Yikes !! I’ve been on cruises and attended their wine tastings. I wish I had your list then. Nuts, darn, opps. Anyway now I know why I got those strange looks.
I’ll try to remember these tips next time. Or I’ll just print this out and lay it on the table. Thanks John.
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I think the key is to go easy on quantity. Then your better brain will be functioning. Thanks, Tom
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John,
Thanks, but ?????
I get enough advice from my wife. 🙂
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Okay then. Try not to puke in your own hat.
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Great list, John. Through the chuckles, I thought of my last wine-tasting event. By the time my colleagues and I reached Santa Barbara via train, almost all were buzzed on cocktails. Hubby and I escaped the group and did our own thing. Sipping a good wine in a beautiful setting is a very special experience. ❤️
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We loved the wineries in Northern California. Given The Producer’s connections we would regularly talk to the wine makers and owners. It was a special life for sure.
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How fortunate for you! I love visiting the Napa Valley wineries—always a treat, even though I don’t know much about wines. I enjoy being among people who love what they do, and sommeliers take special pride in their work. 😊
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They do. It is very interesting that the winemakers and owners are some of the nicest down to Earth folks because of their connection to the land. They are after all, farmers.
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I don’t remember the last time I saw a Boone’s Farm mention. It was all the rage when I was in high school.
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I remember Arabia wine when I was in Ft Lauderdale living on the beach.
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Living there must not have been fun during spring break week.
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Since I was only 21 I thought it was great. By living on the beach I meant I was homeless.
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Ah, that sheds a different light on the matter.
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Yup.
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Great advice, John 🙂
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😁
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As someone who lives in Southern California Wine Country, I agree with all of these. One thing I have learned is this: Don’t go too often to wine tastings, or you won’t get much writing done–or if you do, you will wind up doing some serious re-writing.
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Good point, Ron 😁
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I bet the Producer saw plenty of humorous happenings. I’ve been to plenty myself, and you can always spot the newbies.
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Yup. Always good for a laugh.
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I really appreciate the guideline John. I am guilty of most , particularly tossing my sample as back like tequila. Hey, we do what we know right. 😊🍷🍷
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Yes indeed. Here let me make you a wine slammer.
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Pass ‘er over!
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Sllllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiddddddde
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Thank you 😊
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Bottoms up.
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Wouldn’t be surprised
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😁
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All your lists are informative, but this one more, so seeing as how I could picture all ten of those things happening. I’ve never been invited to a wine tasting (big surprise!), but if I had been to one, I can see myself doing #s 5 & 2. No doubt!
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All the more why you should be invited.
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No swallowing the wine? Forget it, I’ll meet the gang at the pub when they’re done.
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Good idea, Marc.
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🙂
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I think I’d just as soon send my regrets on the wine tasting. The bucket of chicken and the six-pack of Keystone Light is more my style.
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Ha ha ha.
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I’m reading this after a late staff meeting at work, drinking a glass of wine, and having sporadic fits of laughter. Hubby keeps asking, “Are you okay?” Thanks for a great Top Ten, John. Give my regards to Tiny.
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Thank you, Jennie. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
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You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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What? You’re not supposed to swallow the wine? No wonder I left there wobbling. 🙂 Great list, John!
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Thank you, Jan. If you do swallow not fininshing the glass will keep the wobbles away. 😁
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I have put ice in wine!
😵💫X 🙄X🙃X😶🌫️X
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Uh huh. Well you said you like to be bad.
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We only live once! OX
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😁X
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No ice in the wine and no swallowing the wine, sheesh, too many rules! 😂😂🥂
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I agree. One ought to be able to go hog wild. Thanks, Lauren.
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Wonderful list, dear John! It is a hard job, you know. My congratulation to the Producer. 😊😊😊
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Thank you, Maria. 😁
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Informative 👍🏻
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I get the ice bit. But if I asked for ice AND soda?
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What you do with your ice and soda is your own business. Just don’t get caught.
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Thanks for the warning. I’ll make sure I get my own whisky too.
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A very good idea. 😁
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