Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wine Tasting

~ John W. Howell

 

Photo by Kelsey Chance on Unsplash

This post first ran on January 16th, 2017. Since wine tastings are still happening, I think it is still relevant. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is attending some wine-tasting events in my time. The Producer worked as a marketing person for a winery in Northern California and was required to taste wine every week. Of course, she was a professional and would delight in witnessing some of the events listed. Since I was well-schooled by her, I never made these faux pas. (I would have died on the spot if I had.) I hope you enjoy it.

10 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not insist on special glasses to claim to have a whole tasting experience. If you do, at best, the rest of the gathering will take you for an idiot. At worst, the host will produce special glasses, and then you will be on the spot to render a scholarly opinion. (Up to tonight, your experience has been Boon’s Farm Apple Red, right, Buford?)

9 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not throw back the wine as if it is a shot of tequila. If you do, at best, your drink preference and sophistication will show through. At worst, you will find yourself all alone as the discussion turns to the merits of the wine. (No one cares what you think about wine and probably thinks your chewing tobacco will get in the way of an honest opinion anyway, Tex.)

8 If you are attending a wine tasting, don’t forget the crackers are to cleanse the palette, not a meal. If you do, at best, the host will move them away from you. At worst, you might be subtly offered a place in the kitchen where the host promises a bucket of fried chicken and a six-pack of Keystone Light. (You think that offer might not be so bad until you see the look on your spouse’s face huh, Bunky?)

7 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not start describing the various flavors of the wine unless you know what you are talking about. If you do, at best, you will get polite nods at your incredible ignorance. At worst, someone will ask the host to send you to the store for more crackers. (You will find out coal oil is not a legitimate taste on the flavor wheel, Buster.)

6 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not try to sneak Two-Buck Chuck in a brown bag into the line-up. If you do, at best, the host security system video will show your placement of the bottle. At worst, one of the wine snobs will involuntarily spew the wine on Tiny, the WWF champ. (Right now, Tiny is going from guest to guest demanding to know who brought the wine. You have always been a lousy liar, and your turn is next, right, Weenie?)

5 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not forget you are not supposed to swallow the wine. If you do, at best, you will need a ride home. At worst, you will decide to inform all the guests what you think of each personally, identifying what you consider a flaw in their personality needing correction. (The next morning will be a beauty, especially when you learn what you called your boss.)

4 If you are attending a wine tasting, it is best not to wear a white shirt. If you forget, at best, you are very careful and escape embarrassment. At worst, someone asks a question and surprises you just as you raise the glass to your lips. (Maybe that shirt will make a nice car wax rag or a tie-dye coverup.)

3 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not over-swirl your wine. If you do at best, your glass will be big enough to keep the wine under control. At worst, your red wine swirl will go outside the glass, and land on the white linen couch the host just explained was made to order and arrived this afternoon. (Make no mistake, you are now the proud owner of that couch, Cowboy.)

2 If you are attending a wine tasting, do not ask for ice for your wine. If you do, at best, your host will take your wine. At worst, your host will ask you to go to the convenience store to pick up a twenty-pound bag. (It is hoped that the tasting is over before you can return, Slick.)

1 If you are attending a wine tasting, try not to argue with experts about the quality of a particular wine. If you do, at best, even if you are right, you will look particularly brutish. At worst, one of the experts just got his graduation certificate from the anger management course mandated by the courts after being arrested for assaulting a wine steward at a restaurant for disagreeing with him on wine quality. (Looks like a knuckle sandwich is on the menu, Pal.)

83 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do at a Wine Tasting”

  12. Great list John. Ironically all ten are welcome at my beer tasting parties. You really can’t do anything wrong.

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      1. John, you were at many of them, but you probably don’t remember. For example, drinking all of the Carona at the El Con in Tucson.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. See I do remember. In fact we warned those El Con idiots that such a thing could happen and they didn’t listen. I thought you were talking about other beer tastings. I have to admit I enjoyed every event you put together and you are right I attended a lot of them.

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  13. Yikes !! I’ve been on cruises and attended their wine tastings. I wish I had your list then. Nuts, darn, opps. Anyway now I know why I got those strange looks.
    I’ll try to remember these tips next time. Or I’ll just print this out and lay it on the table. Thanks John.

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  14. Great list, John. Through the chuckles, I thought of my last wine-tasting event. By the time my colleagues and I reached Santa Barbara via train, almost all were buzzed on cocktails. Hubby and I escaped the group and did our own thing. Sipping a good wine in a beautiful setting is a very special experience. ❤️

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    1. We loved the wineries in Northern California. Given The Producer’s connections we would regularly talk to the wine makers and owners. It was a special life for sure.

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      1. How fortunate for you! I love visiting the Napa Valley wineries—always a treat, even though I don’t know much about wines. I enjoy being among people who love what they do, and sommeliers take special pride in their work. 😊

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        1. They do. It is very interesting that the winemakers and owners are some of the nicest down to Earth folks because of their connection to the land. They are after all, farmers.

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  17. As someone who lives in Southern California Wine Country, I agree with all of these. One thing I have learned is this: Don’t go too often to wine tastings, or you won’t get much writing done–or if you do, you will wind up doing some serious re-writing.

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  20. All your lists are informative, but this one more, so seeing as how I could picture all ten of those things happening. I’ve never been invited to a wine tasting (big surprise!), but if I had been to one, I can see myself doing #s 5 & 2. No doubt!

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  23. I’m reading this after a late staff meeting at work, drinking a glass of wine, and having sporadic fits of laughter. Hubby keeps asking, “Are you okay?” Thanks for a great Top Ten, John. Give my regards to Tiny.

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