Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Dino Reichmuth on Unsplash

 

This post ran on February 20th, 2017. Since folks still take road trips, it might still be useful. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list came with President’s Day weekend. A lot of people are on road trips, and at least maybe they will read this before heading back home today. I always look back fondly on those road trips so many years ago.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip

10 On a road trip, do not let the kids claim their own space in the back. If you do, at best, the territory claims will be endless. At worst, you’ll have to separate them and sit with your knees under your chin. (You forgot about the hump, huh, Bunky?)

9 On a road trip, do not start the 100 Bottles of Beer on the Wall song. If you do, at best, everyone will get tired after ten. At worst, one of the kids will insist on going the whole distance. (How’s that toothache doing, Ferd?)

8 On a road trip, do not miss stating all the rules of I Spy. If you do, at best, a small loophole will allow multiple winners. At worst, forgetting the “in the car” rule means little princess will hold out for 100 miles before declaring her item was a bird on the wire. (Yes, Tex. It was the bird 100 miles back.)

7 On a road trip, do not allow anyone into Buck-ees without a pre-set budget. If you do, at best, you can justify the expense with the bonus points on the credit card. At worst, the manager of Buck-ees wants to sell your car to cover the bill. (What kind of rest stop has diamond-covered boots, huh, Pilgrim?)

6 On a road trip, do not think every tunnel is short enough to hold your breath all the way to the end. If you do, at best, you’ll hit a long one and will have to breathe. At worst, little Tiny, the future WWF champ who is a great competitor, will be blue by the time you emerge. (No one told him to give up, Buster.)

5 On a road trip, if you are the driver, do not hold up your feet over the railroad tracks. If you do, at best, you won’t have a close call. At worst, you might be caught short if you need to make a quick stop. (Is that semi in your lane, Buford?)

4 On a road trip, do not set unreasonable expectations around the number of license plates needed to be spotted to finish the game. If you do, at best, everyone will be discouraged and quit. At worst, your most competitive child will keep going until they have all fifty. (Good luck on that Hawaii plate, Pal.)

3 On a road trip, do not allow the kids to pick their own snacks. If you do, at best, you’ll need to run the car through a car wash when you get home. At worst, you will be peeling the kids off the ceiling after the mega sugar high hits. (You enjoy the screaming too, don’t you, Slick?)

2 On a road trip, do not let anyone in the car read the Stuckey’s signs. If you do, at best, you’ll have to stop every hundred miles. At worst, you’ll have so many log rolls, divinities, and clusters you will be able to open your own store. ( Not to mention the dentist bill, right Ralph?)

1 On a road trip, do not insist that everyone hold it until the gas stop. If you do, at best, the last ten miles will be very tense. At worst, you might be on the receiving end of a family mutiny. (You never realized how strong those kids are, did you, Jake?)

81 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Road Trip”

  1. Fun memories of road trips and the games we would play. We often filled the back seat with comic books to read…not that we had not already read them “hundreds of times.”

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  3. Number one brought to mind a certain ‘road trip’ from League City to Nacogdoches during the Rita evacuation. About twenty miles outside Lufkin, my mom said, “Stop this car — I have to go!” I looked at that miles long line of traffic ahead and behind, and knew we’d never get going again if we stopped. I told her to pee in the seat; we’d deal with it later.

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  6. Like Charles, I used to do the license plate game. Did it on our road trip to DC a few years back. If I recall, we saw plates from almost every state in the union, including Alaska and Hawaii.

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  8. Hilarious, John, especially #1. With 7 kids, my dad bought an old bus, and fitted it with bunk beds on one side. Yep, that’s how we traveled in pre-RV days. Lots of memories of kid squabbles and even a mutiny or two. 😄

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  9. When Son #1 was in high school, he went on a day trip with another family and experienced #9. He was banging his head against the car window by the time he got home. They sang it there and back – the whole way.

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  10. Excellent road rules! We had to stop playing I Spy with My Little Eye when whatever was spotted became ridiculous. And my brother and I drew a line down the middle of the back seat to mark our respective territories. Not a real one, mind you, so there were lots of complaints about crossing the ‘line.’

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  13. Sound advice, John! Now, a road trip for me is a trip to the Barnes & Noble 5 miles away, but I do remember back in the day … “MOM!!! She’s looking at me … make her stop!!!” 🙄

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  19. I hate to be a grouch, but reading this list makes me happy for the times when I’ve traveled solo! Stop when you want/need to, buy what you want for lunch, no goofy car-games, and no sibling claiming she only could avoid carsickness by riding up front!

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  23. We played that license plate game on many trips. Sure, it was fun initially, but I don’t know if we ever got to the end.

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      1. The goal was to kill time. I have a funny story about my son when he was a little guy. He always loved construction vehicles; we used to count those on our travels. On one trip, he drifted off in his car seat and wanted his mom and me to keep counting while he slept. (I’m guessing he was about 3-4 then.) When he woke up an hour later, he asked what the count was. I said something like, “Uh, I think we’re up to 57.”

        He was a smart little bugger and replied, “But that’s less than what we had before.”

        Haha! Busted!

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  24. Road trips with kids… no thank you! Mind you, today’s kids won’t play any games except the ones on their phones so, hopefully your co-pilot doesn’t ignore you and read her book!

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  27. Firstly, I want that VW family bus. In that color.

    I have never been inside a Buc-cees but for some reason it’s very familiar to me. Either I watched a YouTube video about it or it was featured in a television show or movie. Not sure which. But I am familiar with Stuckey’s. It’s been a long time!

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  29. As usual, you’ve covered all the bases. I don’t remember any road trips with the family. But back in my hitchin’ days, I saw many Burma Shave signs (an advertising gimmick of posting humorous rhyming poems sequentially along the highway) and large painted signs on barns. “Mail Pouch Tobacco” was the most prevalent.

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