Photo by JK on Unsplash
This post was published on March 27th, 2017. I think there might be some good advice if you are taking a train somewhere.
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The inspiration for this list is the fact that The Producer is on the Amtrack California Zephyr from Davis, California, to Omaha, Nebraska.
Top Ten Things Not to Do Traveling by Train
10 If you are traveling by train, do not think you can sit just anywhere. If you do, at best, you may be lucky and not take someone’s seat. At worst, you’ll get comfortable only to discover Tiny, the WWF champ, has a seat reservation where you are sitting. (Notice how quickly Tiny reacts when things don’t go his way, Bunky.)
9 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget to charge your phone before getting on. If you do forget, at best, you will have to limit your calls. At worst, you will be without your phone when you need to send that text to your boss in answer to the question, “Where the hell are you?”(Seems you forgot to tell the boss you were going on vacation, huh, Ferd?)
8 If you are traveling by train, don’t forget a blanket or sweater. If you do, at best, you’ll get chilled. At worst, trying to use your seatmate’s blanket might get you arrested for assault. (Maybe you should have asked before rolling over with it, Buford.)
7 If you are traveling by train, do not talk louder than those around you. If you do, at best, you may get into an argument with someone bigger. At worst, you and your bags might be offloaded at the next stop, which is a thousand miles from nowhere. (That mail hook was a bit of an insult, huh, Pard?)
6 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around without your shoes. If you do, at best, you may step on something that moves. At worst, you may need to re-evaluate how much you need those last pair of socks after the visit to the restroom. (This is not the beach, Buster. Shoes are required.)
5 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read. If you do, at best, you’ll get tired of reading the safety messages in the coach. At worst, you’ll begin talking with someone who obviously was just released from a mental care facility. (Your hint should have been the focus on picking lint off your sweater that wasn’t there, Bud.)
4 If you are traveling by train, do not forget to bring snacks and water. If you do, at best, the train provisions will be expensive. At worst, the last bottle of water and bag of chips will be auctioned off to the highest bidder after the twelve-hour delay at Donner Pass. (That name rings a bell, doesn’t it, Tex?)
3 If you are traveling by train, do not leave your bag unattended in the overhead rack. If you do, at best, you’ll be traveling with a group of nuns on the way to a retreat. At worst, whatever was in your bag will be for sale in the next car. (If you hurry, you might be able to buy back your underwear, Putz.)
2 If you are traveling by train, do not walk around with a full drink. If you do, at best, any spills will hit the aisle. At worst, the last lurch caused your cup to empty on the head of that enormous man in the seat you fell into. (That low growl you are hearing is not part of the train function, Guy. I would run.)
1 If you are traveling by train, do not forget where to get off. If you do, at best, you can catch the next train back in twenty-four hours. At worst, the railroad detective will finally release you after several hours of investigation into the stowaway charge. (Why you decided to ride to the end of the line is anybody’s guess, Pal.)
Fiction Favorites 
You brought to mind that episode of I Love Lucy when the gang takes a train ride, so thank you for that first and foremost. As far as reading, I wonder why I can read on a train but not in a car . . .
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A car has more of a sense of motion since it is smaller. Besides you have to pay attention to the road no matter who is driving.
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Good point Boss
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😁
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Really shows a big difference between taking the local train to work and taking a long trip.
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Yes. Train to work leaves little time to get into trouble.
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Hopefully. Seems to allow for more trouble in NYC.
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Well it is NYC after all
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To me 4 & 5 are the most important – that and bring a camera.
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Thanks, GP. 😁
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Some sound advice in here, John. I haven’t ridden a train in, lemme see… We took the kids for a ride because youngest was enthralled with them. That would be back in 2003, maybe? Oy!
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I haven’t been on a train since my last commute into NYC from Connecticut in 1982. 😳
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Whoa!!
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I know right?
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If one has no reason to train, one does not train 😉
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Oh wait. I forgot about the fast train from Paris to Avignon (1994) and from Koln to Düsseldorf (1989)
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Ah ha ha! You have now reminded ME that I took a train in Tuscany In 2016!
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There you go.
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We’ve nudged each other’s memories!
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Yes we did. Do we have to report that to HR?
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I think we can keep that between us, what say you?
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Good idea.
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Sweet! xo
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🤗
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For my first Christmas break in college, I rode the train from Denver, CO to San Diego, CA. I was awake the whole time playing “gin rummy” with an elderly gentleman whose wife slept in a chair across the aisle from us. So, yes to taking a book (#5), but a deck of cards can come in handy too.
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Great story, Karen. Thanks for sharing.
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Seems like sound advice. Much of it could relate to air travel, too.
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Great list, John. For women, I’d add, keep an eye out for drunk, old men when traveling alone on the train. 🙂
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You gotta keep and eye out for drunk old men no matter where you are. 🤣
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Very good “training” for new riders🤭
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Good one, Jim. Thanks for the laugh.
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A lot of wisdom is tucked into these humorous situations. I especially liked #2 — a bit of history with that one. 😄
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I think we all have history on number two. Doesn’t have to be a train. Thanks, Gwen
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Since we’re taking trains between cities in Italy soon, it’s good to be prepared.
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Good advice, John. Traveling does require some thinking ahead. 🙂
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It certainly does, Tim. Thanks. 😊
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Number 8 really hits home. We traveled by train fro Durham to NYC – took longer than if we’d driven due to all sorts of delays and we did not have sweaters. We ended up wrapped in newspapers for the duration of the trip!
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That must have been a sight. Thanks for sharing, Noelle.
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I’ve only traveled by train once while in Europe, but your list certainly seems like sound advice. Fun list, John!
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Love those European trains. Thanks, Jan
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I used to love riding trains. All good advice, John 🙂
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Thanks, Denise.
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I’ve never traveled by train, John. These sound like very reasonable tips. 🙂 Thanks for keeping us in line. 🙂
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Sure. 😁
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These are funny, John. I love traveling by train but have only taken short trips to Dallas. Lots more room than on an airplane.
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So true. Thanks, Joan
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#11: “Aussteigen waehrend der Fahrt und Blumen pfluecken ist verboten” – as the saying goes here. 😄
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For the English speakers among us ““Getting out of the car while driving and picking flowers is forbidden” Good saying, Pit.
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All sound advice for train travelers! I would only add one: Do not jump off of train after it starts moving! (Yeah, I did 🙄 )
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Goodness. Glad you were safe.
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I was young and foolish, but young enough that my bones weren’t yet brittle, so the only thing damaged was my pride!
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😁
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I haven’t taken a train in ever-so-long, but I find I enjoy it. It’s rather freeing, not having to play Dodge ‘Em with other cars on multi-lane highways!
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Your post brought me lots of chuckles… 🙂 I think I will avoid train journeys as much as possible 🙂 🙂
I wonder too how many of us have taken those round the bend shots on a train.. I did so on a snowy open platform on an Austrian Train which was an old postal Train tour, once upon a time in the frozen months of December… I about froze…. 🙂 waiting for the bend… But got lots of mountain scene shots 🙂 😀
Loved the read John. 🙂
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Sounds like a wonderful trip. Austria is a place I’ve never been and imagine it’s beauty in the winter. Thanks for sharing your story, Sue.
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It was… It was that cold we had a complimentary glass of Champaign which we had to walk down the train to the buffet car with several openings of carriages to get back to our seats… By the time we had got back to our seats, the Champaign froth bubbles were iced over lol that is how cold it was that day.. :-)… But it was one memorable Christmas vacation.. 🙂 And I recommend Austria to visit.. Some spectacular views.. 🙂
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I have been to Germany but not Austria.
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You’d love it.
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I’m sure I would. Loved the views in Switzerland
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Very similar 🙂
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I heard that. Thanks, Sue
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Who knew train travel was so fraught with pitfalls!
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Lotta pits to fall into, Liz.
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I can see that!
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I love traveling by train, John, but I don’t break any rules. Especially the shoes.
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I’m glad to hear it, Dan
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I’m a train lover from childhood, so I enjoyed and laughed my way through. Regards to Tiny. I hope The Producer is having a delightful train ride.
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Thanks Jennie.
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You’re welcome, John.
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😊
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These are funny but very smart advice, too!
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Thank you, Vera. 😁
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Thanks for the great tips, John. I’ve never traveled by train, but it’s on my bucket list. 🙂
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Put this list in the bucket too. Thanks. Lauren
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It’s in the bucket, John! 😁
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Good deal
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“If you are traveling by train, do not forget to take something to read.”
The best damn advice ever given on the internet!
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🤣 I should have said, “And make damn sure it is something by that terrific writer Andrew Joyce.”
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Great
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Thanks
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