Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Boss.

~ John W. Howell

 

This post originally ran on April 17, 2017. Since we still have bosses, I think it might be helpful.

* * *

The inspiration for this list came from a discussion with Teagan Geneviene on the ridiculousness of some policies that have been created by bosses. It came to me then to develop a list of things not to let a boss see you do since it could result in a new policy.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Boss.

10 If your boss is looking, do not laugh. If you do, at best, you will raise a question as to why you are not serious about work. At worse, your boss will assume you’ve gotten away with something and will try desperately to find out what it is. (Cozy with your boss camped out in your cube, huh, Ferd?)

9 If your boss is looking, do not frown. If you do, at best, your boss will think you are unhappy. At worse, your boss with think you have a problem and offer to help you solve it. (“I’m your boss, and I’m here to help you” are the most feared words, right, Buster?)

8 If your boss is looking, do not chat on the phone. If you do, at best, your boss will time the call. At worst, it will be assumed you cannot prioritize your work. (How are you enjoying those after-work classes on work priorities, Pud?)

7 If your boss is looking, do not leave for lunch. If you do, at best, your boss will feel abandoned. At worst, your boss will question your dedication to the job. (Yeah, I know it was just a half hour, but will that be of comfort at the unemployment office, Putz?)

6 If your boss is looking, do not allow anyone to visit your cube. If you do, at best, it will be assumed you use the office as a social venue. At worst, you’ll be required to fill out a form for every minute of the workday. (Now, did that conversation take two minutes exactly, Bunky?)

5 If your boss is looking, do not yell at a fellow worker, no matter how annoying. If you do, at best, your boss will put you on the disruptive watch list. At worst, your after-hour weekday will be taken up by classes on sensitivity and the rights of others. (Lucky you, the other classmate is Tiny, the WWF champ who keeps growling at you when the instructor turns away. Don’t worry; Buster Tiny hates everyone. Nothing personal)

4 If your boss is looking, do not throw away anything. If you do, at best, there will be an after-hours look into your wastebasket. At worst, your boss will report you to the recycling and security departments for a full investigation into compliance. (What this strip search has to do with recycling is anybody’s guess, huh, Buford?)

3 If your boss is looking, do not leave your cube without locking your computer. If you do, at best, the demerit will put you one over the line. At worst, security will be called to remove your laptop for a full disc scan to determine if it has been compromised. (Those online searches for golf clubs look a little embarrassing now, don’t they, Tex?)

2 If your boss is looking, do not shut your computer down a minute early. If you do, at best, your boss will come in and ask a question requiring an embarrassing restart. At worst, you will have additional classes to attend dealing with the office hour policy. These classes meet on Saturday, Pard.)

1 If your boss is looking, do not, I repeat, do not, sneak a chew of that gum. If you do, at best, you’ll be reminded about the policy about eating at your desk. At worst, the environmental department will be called to set rodent traps and pest spray your area. (Your request for a gas mask and allergy shots has been denied, Herm.)

81 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in Front of Your Boss.”

      1. Probably so, that’s what makes our time with the “Mother Ship” aka MLabs so special. All things considered, we worked during the “best of times” with fantastic people and great company. Ah… those were the days, my friend.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh, you made me so happy I’m retired!! At times, one boss has acted quite like all of these – what a relief when That one left!!
    (actually, I retired 13 years ago and haven’t regretted a single day!)

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I’ve had some bad bosses in my day, but luckily never had to worry much about those things! The worst was the boss who took me out to lunch one day and proceeded to say, “You seem to get along well with everyone in the company … everyone likes you … so tell me, who in our company is gay?” I nearly choked on the bite of food I had just put into my mouth! Needless to say, I told him it was neither my business nor his, and he never invited me to lunch again after that!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. John, thanks for the reminder why I work for myself, by myself! This brings back years of miserable bosses — nit-pickers who monitor every employee’s every move. I’ve long thought that, if a police car follows even the best driver long enough, the officer surely will find something to complain about — and work is no different!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Good ones, John. We had a policy always to lock our computers if we left our desks. Our information security department would do random searches. Of course, we had a lot of protected health information on them.

    Some days I find myself locking my home computer! Old habits die hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We had to do the same. My key was always in the top drawer. I’m surprised security didn’t slide it open once and find it there. That would have sent alarm bells to the highest rafter.

      Liked by 1 person

  28. I’m shivering in me timbers, since I’M my own boss now. I don’t know whether to “not” do something or to chastise myself because I’m thinking of doing one of your list’s “not-to-do’s.” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  29. Bosses are my most favourite characters. My writing life started thanks to them. My blog started with boss and workplace stories. My first book was the same. I am beholden to them. I am sending Tiny to have a word with you, John!

    Liked by 1 person

  31. To paraphrase Alfonso Bedoya in “The Treasure of the Sierra Madre:”

    “We don’t need no stinkin’ bosses!” Then he and his compadres hacked Humphrey Bogart to death. A fitting end to MOST bosses.

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.