Top Ten Things Not to Do When Cooking.

~ John W. Howell

 

Photo by Katie Smith on Unsplash

 

This post ran on May 15, 2017. I think it is still good advice. I hope you enjoy it.

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The inspiration for this list is the fact that I love to cook. I cook a lot and have made some interesting dishes that didn’t quite make the delicious category. So I hope you enjoy this batch.

Top Ten Things Not to Do When Cooking.

10 If you are cooking, do not think you can walk away to let things “simmer.” If you do, at best, the dish will burn. At worst, the fire department has opened an investigation to see if the configuration was set on purpose. (You always wondered what the chirping noise in those smoke detectors was huh, Buford. Well, seems they finally died.)

9 If you are cooking, do not think your brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ, is going to act as your sous chef. If you do, at best, there might be some yelling. At worst, Tiny just left his court-ordered anger management session and is taking out his frustration on your new twelve-piece setting of China. (I think asking him to make a souffle was over the top, don’t you, Ferd?)

8 If you are cooking, and have a pan in the oven to finish, do not forget the oven mitt when you take it out. If you do, at best, you’ll remember in a split second after you touch the handle. At worst, you are now the proud owner of a new All-Clad brand in the palm of your hand. (Didn’t you notice the smoke, Buster?)

7 If you are cooking, do not think for every cup of wine in the recipe, you need to drink a like amount. If you do, at best, there is only one cup. At worst, you need to wonder how everyone liked the meal that you slept through. (You are no Julia Child, Tex. Oh, by the way, your wife’s lawyer just called.)

6 If you are cooking, don’t think you don’t need to follow a recipe. If you do, at best, you are making scrambled eggs. At worst, the EMS driver has called the Center for Disease Control, thinking there is a massive epidemic in your sick family. (So you didn’t understand some of the ingredients, Ralph. It still looked good enough to eat, which was unfortunate for everyone.)

5 If you are cooking, do not try to call your local carry-out and pass it off as yours. If you do, at best, you’ll have to fess up. At worst, everyone will compliment your effort as the best ever. (Sadly, they even started to list some of your worst dishes, huh, Pard?)

4 If you are cooking, do not invite anyone over for dinner until you have mastered the dish. If you do, at best, no one will tell you that the meal was bad. At worst, each of your guests had an emergency phone call and had to leave. (Did you wonder why most only took one bite before the emergency, Putz?)

3 If you are cooking, do not do your famous garlic surprise the night before that real estate open house. If you do, at best, the Fabreeze air freshener might cover it. At worst, the attendees will manage a one-minute stay before needing oxygen. (Ever wonder why people never visit you, Jake?)

2 If you are cooking, do not think everyone loves their food spicy hot. If you do, at best, you’ll have a ton of leftovers. At worst, you will have to put up with people running to the nearest faucet for relief. (A little embarrassing to have all your faucets covered by gulping dinner guests, isn’t it, Bunky?)

1 If you are cooking, do not trust that automatic start on the oven. If you do, at best, you can fill in with McDonald’s. At worst, the prospect of serving raw turkey to your boss has you frantically trying to make a reservation. (It seems all the restaurants are booked up, huh, Goofus?)

 

 

 

76 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do When Cooking.”

  1. Wine used to be my go to when I would make lasagna but I had a me proof plan for how I could get away with equal parts wine and cooking. I would make it the night before and then hit the sack once I had finished putting it together.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I’ve had a few of those cooking disasters. Here’s another. If you’re baking, make sure you don’t mistake all-purpose flour for self-rising! (Been there, done that. Biscuits were not edible.)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. All of these are great, but I’d add one more: if a recipe sounds ‘iffy,’ don’t think making the dish will improve it. I just tossed an entire batch of cookies into the trash, having perfectly followed a recipe that seemed weird — and was.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. These are great, John. I loved # 7. Cooking with wine enhances any recipe. I prefer using MD 20/20. I find that the subtle fruit flavors add an interesting layer to flavor profile of the dish and my hang over as well. No more Manischewitz.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. If you are cooking, be sure to wear clothes. Otherwise some bits might get burned with hot oil!
    This warning comes from our experience sailing with a cook who liked to work in the nude!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Going back in time, I could have used the wisdom of #10. I don’t know how many times I cooked dry beans and burnt them because I forgot about them simmering on the stove. To this day, I don’t cook dry beans. Nope. Canned beans and I are friends. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  16. When Domer comes home, he usually assumes the Head Chef role, and I’ll gladly serve as Sous Chef. We make a GREAT team! This is a good list — numbers 8 and 10 are especially wise suggestions!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I enjoy cooking, but I don’t have a natural talent for it. It’s rare I’m not using a recipe. Son #2 got all the cooking genes. We’re going with him tonight to a restaurant in Nashville for a Chef’s Tasting Menu.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Good advice, John.. Given that we are on the cusp of the Fourth of July, I would add, don’t try to make goulash or chili by dropping an M-80 into the pot.! It gets messy.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. I’m in the Julia Child category… I always cook with wine, sometimes I put it in the food!
    All jokes aside, nothing pleases my kids more than to tease me about my less-than-successful dishes. Happens to the best of us!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. All good advice. I have to be careful with #10 and am ok with #7 as I know I can’t drink much wine and cook. I confess that I don’t cook as much as I used to. I am sure the Producer appreciates your skills in the kitchen. Have a safe and happy 4th. We will be having simple brat dogs that Husband will grill.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. When I cook (rarely) I always make a two week supply of whatever it is I’m preparing (Sheppard’s pie, beef stew, etc.). That involves a lotta prep work. The first thing I do is put on some rousing ’50s music, then make a stiff drink. Now I’m ready to get to work. Hell, I put so much stuff in my tuna salad, it takes me two hours to cut all the veggies. With tuna, I make only one week’s worth. Anyway, when my prep is at an the end and the “masterpiece” finally goes into the oven, I’m usually on my 4th or 5th drink and all is right with the world.

    Liked by 1 person

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