Photo by Katie Smith on Unsplash
This post ran on May 15, 2017. I think it is still good advice. I hope you enjoy it.
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The inspiration for this list is the fact that I love to cook. I cook a lot and have made some interesting dishes that didn’t quite make the delicious category. So I hope you enjoy this batch.
Top Ten Things Not to Do When Cooking.
10 If you are cooking, do not think you can walk away to let things “simmer.” If you do, at best, the dish will burn. At worst, the fire department has opened an investigation to see if the configuration was set on purpose. (You always wondered what the chirping noise in those smoke detectors was huh, Buford. Well, seems they finally died.)
9 If you are cooking, do not think your brother-in-law, Tiny, the WWF champ, is going to act as your sous chef. If you do, at best, there might be some yelling. At worst, Tiny just left his court-ordered anger management session and is taking out his frustration on your new twelve-piece setting of China. (I think asking him to make a souffle was over the top, don’t you, Ferd?)
8 If you are cooking, and have a pan in the oven to finish, do not forget the oven mitt when you take it out. If you do, at best, you’ll remember in a split second after you touch the handle. At worst, you are now the proud owner of a new All-Clad brand in the palm of your hand. (Didn’t you notice the smoke, Buster?)
7 If you are cooking, do not think for every cup of wine in the recipe, you need to drink a like amount. If you do, at best, there is only one cup. At worst, you need to wonder how everyone liked the meal that you slept through. (You are no Julia Child, Tex. Oh, by the way, your wife’s lawyer just called.)
6 If you are cooking, don’t think you don’t need to follow a recipe. If you do, at best, you are making scrambled eggs. At worst, the EMS driver has called the Center for Disease Control, thinking there is a massive epidemic in your sick family. (So you didn’t understand some of the ingredients, Ralph. It still looked good enough to eat, which was unfortunate for everyone.)
5 If you are cooking, do not try to call your local carry-out and pass it off as yours. If you do, at best, you’ll have to fess up. At worst, everyone will compliment your effort as the best ever. (Sadly, they even started to list some of your worst dishes, huh, Pard?)
4 If you are cooking, do not invite anyone over for dinner until you have mastered the dish. If you do, at best, no one will tell you that the meal was bad. At worst, each of your guests had an emergency phone call and had to leave. (Did you wonder why most only took one bite before the emergency, Putz?)
3 If you are cooking, do not do your famous garlic surprise the night before that real estate open house. If you do, at best, the Fabreeze air freshener might cover it. At worst, the attendees will manage a one-minute stay before needing oxygen. (Ever wonder why people never visit you, Jake?)
2 If you are cooking, do not think everyone loves their food spicy hot. If you do, at best, you’ll have a ton of leftovers. At worst, you will have to put up with people running to the nearest faucet for relief. (A little embarrassing to have all your faucets covered by gulping dinner guests, isn’t it, Bunky?)
1 If you are cooking, do not trust that automatic start on the oven. If you do, at best, you can fill in with McDonald’s. At worst, the prospect of serving raw turkey to your boss has you frantically trying to make a reservation. (It seems all the restaurants are booked up, huh, Goofus?)
Fiction Favorites 
Wine used to be my go to when I would make lasagna but I had a me proof plan for how I could get away with equal parts wine and cooking. I would make it the night before and then hit the sack once I had finished putting it together.
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That is a good idea. Nothing like passing out on a plate of lasagna.
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Nothing worse than a face full of lasagna.
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I knew I was in for a treat when I read the title. I can underline many statements here! 😂🤣
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Thank you, Dina. 😁
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The amount of people I’ve met who think everyone loves spicy food is amazing. Even their mild dishes end up being torture on the tongue.
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There is a tendency for that here in Texas
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They all had me laughing, John, but Number 10, had me in hysterics!!
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Can’t tell you how many simmer have turned into asphalt.
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hahahaha, yup that’s about the shape of it!!
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Road work anyone?
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These are great, John! This is why Derek does all of our cooking. 🙂
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Pretty much the same her. Most but not all. Thanks, Jill
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The good news is, you now have a fifty-piece setting of China. Good one, John.
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Ha ha ha. Thanks, Dan
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I’ve had a few of those cooking disasters. Here’s another. If you’re baking, make sure you don’t mistake all-purpose flour for self-rising! (Been there, done that. Biscuits were not edible.)
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I tossed in some baking powder in a gravy instead of corn starch. The chemical reaction was interesting.Thanks, Joan
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I’ll bet it was! 🙂
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😳
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Where were you yesterday while I was cooking on my bachelor weekend. The brand looks kind of macho, though.
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The brand will give you cred at Williams Sonoma. 😁
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Cool!
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Plus a 20% discount
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All of these are great, but I’d add one more: if a recipe sounds ‘iffy,’ don’t think making the dish will improve it. I just tossed an entire batch of cookies into the trash, having perfectly followed a recipe that seemed weird — and was.
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We had the same experience with a baked zucchini recipe on Friday. Yuk
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I can’t tell you how many of those “iffy” recipes I’ve tried. I’ve finally learned to trust my own judgment if ingredients or amounts don’t look right.
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I always think if there are too many steps in the recipe then it has a smaller chance of being successful
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True! There are more ways to go wrong.
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These are great, John. I loved # 7. Cooking with wine enhances any recipe. I prefer using MD 20/20. I find that the subtle fruit flavors add an interesting layer to flavor profile of the dish and my hang over as well. No more Manischewitz.
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MD 20/20 is the best. Also a great rust cleaner on chrome.
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If you are cooking, be sure to wear clothes. Otherwise some bits might get burned with hot oil!
This warning comes from our experience sailing with a cook who liked to work in the nude!
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Clothes might be a good idea. Thanks, Noelle.
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All good advice, John 😉
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Thanks Denise.
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I actually would prefer the smell of lingering garlic surprise to the smell of Febreeze.
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Good point.
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🙂
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This was really funny, John. The image of All-Clad imprinted in the palm of a hand was a ’10’ on the laugh-o-meter.
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I’m glad you liked it Jennie.
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🙂
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Going back in time, I could have used the wisdom of #10. I don’t know how many times I cooked dry beans and burnt them because I forgot about them simmering on the stove. To this day, I don’t cook dry beans. Nope. Canned beans and I are friends. 😊
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Yeah dried beans have outlived their usefulness.
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😄 Brilliant. I like your conclusion.
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When Domer comes home, he usually assumes the Head Chef role, and I’ll gladly serve as Sous Chef. We make a GREAT team! This is a good list — numbers 8 and 10 are especially wise suggestions!
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Thank you, Debbie.
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Good ones, John! Have a great 4th of July!
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Thank you, Tim. You as well.
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I enjoy cooking, but I don’t have a natural talent for it. It’s rare I’m not using a recipe. Son #2 got all the cooking genes. We’re going with him tonight to a restaurant in Nashville for a Chef’s Tasting Menu.
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Sounds fun
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Good advice, John.. Given that we are on the cusp of the Fourth of July, I would add, don’t try to make goulash or chili by dropping an M-80 into the pot.! It gets messy.
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This is sound advice, Ron. 🤣
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Re #7…can you really use too much wine when you cook. Be it in the recipe or down the gullet? 😉
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I think wine belongs
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I’m in the Julia Child category… I always cook with wine, sometimes I put it in the food!
All jokes aside, nothing pleases my kids more than to tease me about my less-than-successful dishes. Happens to the best of us!
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I can’t imagine you doing any dish less than successfully. I”ll take your word for it.
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I won’t lie… it is rare. However! It does happen and trust me, they won’t let me live it down. 🙂
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All good advice. I have to be careful with #10 and am ok with #7 as I know I can’t drink much wine and cook. I confess that I don’t cook as much as I used to. I am sure the Producer appreciates your skills in the kitchen. Have a safe and happy 4th. We will be having simple brat dogs that Husband will grill.
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The Producer does appreciate me cooking. I’m doing smash burgers on the flattop and fries
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All is true, dear John! 😅😅😅 Good cooking demands perfect concentration.
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I learned that lesson the hard way. Thanks, Marie.
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The closer I become to turning 50, the more important number 7, I believe, becomes. When it comes to wine, a little for me and a little for the pan is exactly what one should do. *laughs*
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The closer I get to 85 I have the same reaction. Thanks, Audrey.
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Great list, John! I’ve done #8 and laughed at #7. You can cook for us anytime. 😄
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Thanks, Lauren. 😁
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When I cook (rarely) I always make a two week supply of whatever it is I’m preparing (Sheppard’s pie, beef stew, etc.). That involves a lotta prep work. The first thing I do is put on some rousing ’50s music, then make a stiff drink. Now I’m ready to get to work. Hell, I put so much stuff in my tuna salad, it takes me two hours to cut all the veggies. With tuna, I make only one week’s worth. Anyway, when my prep is at an the end and the “masterpiece” finally goes into the oven, I’m usually on my 4th or 5th drink and all is right with the world.
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I fond the drink and cook method to be pretty satisfying too. Thanks, Andrew.
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This posit is coming from real experience, John. I can testify.
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I’m with you, Ankur.
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