Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash

This post was originally run on May 8th, 2017. I think the advice still holds true.

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The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for The Producer. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.

Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car

10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat fast food anything. If you do, at best, the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather, did you, Ferd?)

9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best, all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts like a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts, huh, Bosco?)

8 In your spouse’s new car, do not take the dog. If you do, at best, you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath, so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)

7 In your spouse’s new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best, the potting soil dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw, which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)

6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best, you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today, huh, Bunky?)

5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best, your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny, the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off, or the new car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)

4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. If you do, at best, you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in, huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that new car. Get that old Schwinn.)

3 In your spouse’s car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is to hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor’s phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)

2 In your spouse’s car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best, that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne, leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise, huh, Pal?)

1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best, a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One Hundred and One Dalmatian film promotion. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area, right, Pard?)

 

95 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car”

  7. Can I add one? Please put the driver’s seat back in the position you found it. 🙂 Bet you can’t guess that happens (or doesn’t happen) all too often in our family.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is a good one Joan. I very seldom drive the producer’s car but when I do I scrunch in so I won’t forget. Lucky it is usually to move the car for some reason. The funny part is there are settings for different drivers but we have never set them up.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Funny stuff John. My wife just got a new car and she asked me to go get gas for it. I am a nervous wreck. I’ve put it off but the needle is bumping on empty. This will be the big day or I will be pushing it 4.3 miles. My head hurts. I am open to your sage advice -but hurry !!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Having treated myself to a new car 2 years ago and finally just this month managed to chock up 11K miles, none of these rules seems extraneously outrageous. With 2 large dogs at the time, the best investment was the heavy duty canine seat covers. Now to remember to Windex the back seat windows whenever they take a ride. Dog nose art is adorably cute, but can obstruct one’s view. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Totally made up. I don’t eat in the car so couldn’t possibly happen. I did drop paint remover on a rear panel though. Didn’t realize how shiny care metal is till then.

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  17. Husband NEVER drives me car. He used to be a ‘you don’t drive it much but we need to get it out on the Interstate and let ‘er rip.’ He said that one time. Silent rules are well understood in my house. But I did love #4!

    Liked by 1 person

  19. John, when I read your Top Ten in the morning, I spill coffee laughing. When I read it in the evening with wine, my laughing must be louder.
    Case in point:
    Me: “You won’t live to see tomorrow.”
    Hubby: “What do you mean?”
    Me: “Not you, it’s John.”
    Hubby: “John won’t live to see tomorrow? Oh my God. Who’s John?”
    Me: “Texas John. And Tiny is overcoming claustrophobia.”
    Hubby was silent. Maybe worried. I’ll have to explain everything tomorrow. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I have a question for you… How did the spouse get the keys to the car? Did they sneak out unbeknownst? There will be hell to pay…
    I’ve actually dated guys who were like, don’t even think of touching my car…

    Liked by 1 person

  22. This list was great! My wife has the nicer of our two vehicles by far. I seldom drive her BMW because I don’t want to be the first to put a dent or scratch in it.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. My husband is guilty of #4. I have bluetooth set and he turns his radio station on and doesn’t change it back. But I haven’t given him the ‘no use order’ yet. Maybe I should. 🙂 These are great, John! By they way, your new header looks awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Lauren. If I have an occasion to drive my wife’s car I don’t touch anything. It is too complex for me anyway and I wouldn’t know how to set things back. My car is simple, fast and that’s it.

      Liked by 1 person

  25. These ten points have been my life – for the past 39 years. 🙂 When I met my guy, a car was to drive me somewhere, and perhaps eat a few pretzels and listen to the radio station, loud, and pick up a new plant. I learned immediately, 39 years ago, that a car comes with rules. You listed them all here. 🙂 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  27. You oughta go for work for the National Safety Council. All ten of ’em were right on the money. And no, I was not suggesting you get a job as a crash test dummy. I was thinking as a consultant.

    Liked by 1 person

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