Photo by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash
This post was originally run on May 8th, 2017. I think the advice still holds true.
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The inspiration for the list was the rotation of an old car for a new car for The Producer. Yes, it was her turn for a new vehicle and brought to mind some of the things that I will never even think of doing in it.
Top Ten Things Not to Do in Your Spouse’s New Car
10 In your spouse’s new car, do not eat fast food anything. If you do, at best, the lingering smell will give you away. At worst, all efforts to contain the mustard will fail in one small conspicuous spot. (You never thought mustard could stain leather, did you, Ferd?)
9 In your spouse’s new car, do not park anywhere near the shopping cart return area. If you do, at best, all the returns will be in the slot. At worst, the car will collect shopping carts like a magnet. (Maybe you could claim you were attacked by zombie shopping carts, huh, Bosco?)
8 In your spouse’s new car, do not take the dog. If you do, at best, you’ll need to vacuum out the hair. At worst, the dog needed a nail trim and a bath, so now the seats are not only dirty but also scratched. (You could claim a wild raccoon got in an open window or just leave home, Buford.)
7 In your spouse’s new car, do not pick up anything from Home Depot. If you do, at best, the potting soil dirt can be cleaned up. At worst, the technician forgot to replace the oil cap on that chain saw, which makes the back seat area look like a CSI crime scene. (Don’t worry about the consequences Tex. You won’t live to see tomorrow.)
6 In your spouse’s new car, do not follow that gravel truck. If you do at best, you’ll stay back far enough to avoid the falling rocks. At worst, the replacement windshield is only $1200.00. (You better hope the guy can get it done today, huh, Bunky?)
5 In your spouse’s car, do not park in a tight spot. If you do, at best, your neighbors will take great care not to ding your car. At worst, you’ve blocked in Tiny, the WWF champ who has just arrived to attend his first counseling session on overcoming claustrophobia. (No telling when he will stop trying to get out of his car. Maybe when his door falls off, or the new car has been crushed enough to give him freedom, Putz.)
4 In your spouse’s car, do not change the radio. If you do, at best, you can remember to set it back to the original station. At worst, you will forget and be the recipient of a “no use” order. (Hard to follow that order when your car is blocked in, huh, Buster? Hint. Don’t even think about taking that new car. Get that old Schwinn.)
3 In your spouse’s car, do not exceed the speed limit when told not to do it. If you do, at best, no one will know. At worst, even though you tried to cover it up, your ticket is being used as a training event for the local police and covered by the six o’clock news. (Your best bet is to hit the circuit breaker at 5:59 and blame a power outage. Handling the neighbor’s phone calls will be a trickier matter huh, Ralph?)
2 In your spouse’s car, do not have a cup of hot coffee while you drive. If you do, at best, that small spill will be caught by your shirt. At worst, the unseen pothole makes the coffee go airborne, leaving some interesting stain patterns on the light-colored upholstery. (You now know that those OXY-Clean commercials overpromise, huh, Pal?)
1 In your spouse’s car, do not drive on that new asphalt road. If you do, at best, a few spots will come off with mineral spirits. At worst, your spouse’s white car appears as if it is a prop in a new One Hundred and One Dalmatian film promotion. (The sad part is you were told to avoid that area, right, Pard?)
Fiction Favorites 
Mustard stains leather? That explains a lot. Changing radio stations is a big issue but I can only take the Elvis station for so long..
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I feel your pain.
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I love Elvis’ music but Sirius has other options that I explore for my sanity.
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Yeah, no kidding.
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OMG< changing the radio station is a sure opener for an argument – but only after any food left (even the slightest crumb!).
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Ha ha ha. You are so right, GP. Thanks.
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Lols 😂 funny and on point as ever, John! Thanks for the chuckles and advice. Have a wonderful week. Hugs 🤗💕🙂
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Thank you, Harmony. I hope you have a peaceful week. 🤗
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#4 and #2 – The defendant pleads guilty, your honor.
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You are sentenced to a life time of interior cleanings. Bailiff take him away.
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The stain from a McDonald’s cheeseburger NEVER came out. We tried everything.
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That McDonald’s cheese is the secret ingredient in Patriot missiles
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😂
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😁
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Kind of glad I never have to worry about this danger. Sounds downright lethal.
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Ha ha ha. Don’t say never.
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These are great, John. I always seem to get behind the gravel trucks!
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I used to in California. Nothing like limestone pebbles bouncing off the windshield and hood.
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Can I add one? Please put the driver’s seat back in the position you found it. 🙂 Bet you can’t guess that happens (or doesn’t happen) all too often in our family.
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That is a good one Joan. I very seldom drive the producer’s car but when I do I scrunch in so I won’t forget. Lucky it is usually to move the car for some reason. The funny part is there are settings for different drivers but we have never set them up.
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Funny stuff John. My wife just got a new car and she asked me to go get gas for it. I am a nervous wreck. I’ve put it off but the needle is bumping on empty. This will be the big day or I will be pushing it 4.3 miles. My head hurts. I am open to your sage advice -but hurry !!
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Get in a hazmat suit and carry your own O2. Latex gloves and don’t forget to reset the seat.
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Every single one of these rings true!
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Yes indeed.
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NUmber 5 and number 4 are my pet peeves, but they are my husband’s too!
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Ah so you never have the occurrence.
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Having treated myself to a new car 2 years ago and finally just this month managed to chock up 11K miles, none of these rules seems extraneously outrageous. With 2 large dogs at the time, the best investment was the heavy duty canine seat covers. Now to remember to Windex the back seat windows whenever they take a ride. Dog nose art is adorably cute, but can obstruct one’s view. 😊
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And a bear when it dries. Thanks, Monika.
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So true. The Gorilla Blue folks could learn a lesson or two from dog saliva.
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😁
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Erm…just realized autocorrect zapped me. That should have said Gorilla Glue, not Blue. Sorry about that. 🙄
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I knew that. I stumble over author correct daily so it didn’t phase me.
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😊
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😁
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All great and necessary advice, John 🙂
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Thank you, Denise.
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Another hilarious list, John. This week’s Top Ten sounds too real to be untrue. Hmm. 😄
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Totally made up. I don’t eat in the car so couldn’t possibly happen. I did drop paint remover on a rear panel though. Didn’t realize how shiny care metal is till then.
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😊
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😊
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This is gold John, you could sell this to a marketing company and it could become an entire ad campaign for car dealerships. Hysterical. Hugs, C
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Thanks, Cheryl. I appreciate your encouragement.
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Good ones, John. I’ll keep them in mind for the future. 🙂
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I hope so, Tim. I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.
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🙂
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Totally get this. Hubby is super picky about his car. But if he’s in mine? Different story entirely.
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So print off the list and put it on your dashboard.
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Excellent idea.
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Don’t tell him where the idea came from.
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Husband NEVER drives me car. He used to be a ‘you don’t drive it much but we need to get it out on the Interstate and let ‘er rip.’ He said that one time. Silent rules are well understood in my house. But I did love #4!
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We do not drive each other’s cars. I don’t care for the SUV tanks and my wife hates the low slung speedsters so we never have a problem.
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Oh, I can picture in a low-rider! Nothing I like better than hoising myself up into my SUV tank. **yeah, mess with me buddy!** 😂
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That is how she feels.
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I’d stick to my own ride, just to be safe.
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Good idea.Have a safe vacation
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It was such a great time Boss. AND I am now connected with the Master to boot!
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Glad you had a good time, Pilgrim. 😊
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Enjoy that Voodoo and Malbec tonight Boss
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And you enjoy the Pinot.
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John, when I read your Top Ten in the morning, I spill coffee laughing. When I read it in the evening with wine, my laughing must be louder.
Case in point:
Me: “You won’t live to see tomorrow.”
Hubby: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Not you, it’s John.”
Hubby: “John won’t live to see tomorrow? Oh my God. Who’s John?”
Me: “Texas John. And Tiny is overcoming claustrophobia.”
Hubby was silent. Maybe worried. I’ll have to explain everything tomorrow. 😀
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Yes, do explain.
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I did this morning, but he’s still looking at me funny. 😅
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I’d just tell him you have to be there.
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I did! 😎
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😁
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I have a question for you… How did the spouse get the keys to the car? Did they sneak out unbeknownst? There will be hell to pay…
I’ve actually dated guys who were like, don’t even think of touching my car…
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Most of the driving was authorized. The rules apply.
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I should think! 😉
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😁
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#10 is a rule I always began with a new car but rarely stuck to for long. Funny listing. I hope everyone takes your advice.
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Thanks, Audrey. If everyone took my advice their might be more harmony in the house. 😁
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This list was great! My wife has the nicer of our two vehicles by far. I seldom drive her BMW because I don’t want to be the first to put a dent or scratch in it.
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We don’t swap cars either. The Producer is 98 pounds and needs a huge honking SUV tank. Mine is a low to the road spot coupe which scare the willies out of her. Thanks, Pete.
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My husband is guilty of #4. I have bluetooth set and he turns his radio station on and doesn’t change it back. But I haven’t given him the ‘no use order’ yet. Maybe I should. 🙂 These are great, John! By they way, your new header looks awesome.
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Thank you. Lauren. If I have an occasion to drive my wife’s car I don’t touch anything. It is too complex for me anyway and I wouldn’t know how to set things back. My car is simple, fast and that’s it.
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I hear that, John! Even the salesman 3 years ago for my car said that we don’t buy cars anymore, we buy computers. He had to show me how to operate it before I drove it off the lot. 😂
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I know how that is.
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😃
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😊
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Seems the best bet would be just not to drive the spouse’s new car! I’ll stick with my old clunker … oh wait … I don’t have a spouse, either!
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Yeah no spouse makes your life easier car wise.
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And in other ways, too! 😉
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😁
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These ten points have been my life – for the past 39 years. 🙂 When I met my guy, a car was to drive me somewhere, and perhaps eat a few pretzels and listen to the radio station, loud, and pick up a new plant. I learned immediately, 39 years ago, that a car comes with rules. You listed them all here. 🙂 🙂
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I should have put pretzels at the top. Nothing like the crunch of salt in the cup holder in the morning.
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Or, popcorn. I just made THAT mistake yesterday!!! ;-0
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Yeah that too.
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All sound advice for personal safety. I’d be the ‘mustard dropper’. Good list, John.
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Me too.
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You oughta go for work for the National Safety Council. All ten of ’em were right on the money. And no, I was not suggesting you get a job as a crash test dummy. I was thinking as a consultant.
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I think this one would more fit a marriage councilor.
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I’m kind of happy that I don’t have to worry about this danger. It sounds extremely deadly.
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Quite, John
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All that! And you lived to tell the tale?
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Barely
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