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This post ran on September 12, 2017. Since American football is well underway, it still might be helpful.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at an American Football Game
The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The schedule is in full swing, and here are a few things to avoid this year.
10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best, folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe they are in Morgantown, West Virginia, and set fire to it. (You thought it would be a statement of elegance, didn’t you, Baltazar?)
9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best, your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ mourning Liberace’s passing, will believe you want him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture, is it, Barnaby?)
8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best, you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, huh, Barrington?)
7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours will be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best, the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)
6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best, you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)
5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best, you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)
4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best, you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)
3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best, everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)
2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best, they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and Polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)
1 If you are tailgating, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)
Fiction Favorites 
The petit fours struck me particularly funny.
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I can see a tray of them sitting on a car bumper. Glad you got a laugh.
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😀
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😊
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‘Tis the season of partay in the parking lot! Sound advice…
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Yes indeed. 😁
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😉
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#10 struck home, John. I was there in 1975 when they beat Pitt – still the record number of burning couches.
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I always get a kick out of that tradition. Gotta wonder how many couches have gone up in flames since.
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We joke about that. About 6 months ago, a truck carrying old furniture and other junk had a couch in the back catch on fire. We joked that the truck was from WV.
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Ha ha ha
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And, in Buffalo the tailgaters break tables to prove their fanliness. How’s that for tradition?
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That sounds pretty odd for sure. Maybe it started with needing firewood.
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Then there’s the character who stands in the middle of a circle of humanity and allows himself to be covered with ketchup, mustard and other condiments after the tailgating is done and before the game begins. All part of Bill’s Mafia (fan base). We love our Buffalo Bills.
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There you go.
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Tailgating has a different meaning this side of the pond…
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Gotta wonder what that is.
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It’s driving dangerously close to the vehicle in front of you
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Following too close is called that here as well. The tailgate part of American football is from pickup trucks where you put down the tailgate and put out a spread of food.
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Wonder how much tailgating has changed. I don’t hear about it that much these days.
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From my view it is still strong at college games.
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That makes sense.
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I laughed at the petits fours. I grinned at Charles’s comment just above about not hearing much about tailgating these days. Clearly, he’s not been hanging around Reliant Park in Houston when the team’s in town.
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Or the Cotton Bowl during the Red River Shoot Out.
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Exactly!
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😁
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A timely post, John. It was Texas OU weekend here in Dallas and traffic was horrendous. Thankfully, I’ll never have a need for this stellar top ten list. Good one!
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Ha ha ha. It was a great game too. Thanks, Jan
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I’ve never tailgated, but I’ve certainly dealt with its consequences when I worked on college campuses. 🙄 Great list, John. You’ve captured the revelry.
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Thank you, Gwen. I’ll bet you have some interesting stories.
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One of your funniest, John. Tiny mourning Liberace and serving petits-fours had me laughing out loud.
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I’m so glad, Jennie. 😁
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😀
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These are great, John! Somehow I survived my Washington Redskin tailgating years.😉
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I think we all had tailgating years we survived. Thanks, Jill. 😁
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I hope you didn’t actually spot a candelabra at a tailgate party! Like, what?!
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We had one when I was at Notre Dame.
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I attended WVU for undergrad, so I know all about those flaming couches, John, lol.
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The Producer attended WVU as well. She has couch stories too.
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This just didn’t happen when I was a kid. Probably for the best that I missed all of it.
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Fun though. Chile, burgers, snacks, beer.
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Who knew Tiny was a Liberace fan?! He might enjoy a petit-four or two…
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His idea of a petite-four is the number of times a person can take a hit and still be standing.
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hahaha! Oh, I see…
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Yes. he’s not much for delicate food.
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Love the petit fours comment! I’d add another – if you are tailgating do not take up multiple parking spaces! Tiny may move your car without starting it.
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Ha ha ha. Good one, Noelle.
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That Tiny!
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Yes indeed.
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All great tailgating advice, John 🙂
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Thanks, Denise.
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Great list, John. I doubt that many tailgaters will pay heed to #1. For too many fans, it seems the point of tailgating is to over-serve.
Football is definitely in full swing around here. We’ve found that game day is the best day for us to go to the gym. Hardly anyone is there 😉
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That is a benefit for sure.
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Good ones, John! Good things to keep in mind, particularly that certain foods are expected at a tailgate. 🙂
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Yes ,don’t be bringing fancy stuff.
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Great public service announcement!
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Thank you, John
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Had to chuckle about the candelabra and Liberace. This isn’t football related but I watched the Rangers and Orioles last night. Saw folks from the balcony of a high-rise apartment near Camden Yards. They could watch the game for free from their home.
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Cool beans. Maybe have a spread out on the balcony. I loved Camden Yards.
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I love the old-fashioned look of the Stadium. I liked the old Ballpark in Arlington much better than that new thing they built! 🙂
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Petit-fours at a tailgate? Maybe if they’re playing in Paris.
Otherwise, nope!
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Ha ha ha.
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😉
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I have never tailgated. Or is it been tailgating. My kids yes. Too social for me or too uncomfortable.
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I can imagine you would wilt. 😊
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Some take tailgating to new heights. It’s been too long since I’ve been a participant at one of these events, but memory serves me well — and you’ve captured a lot of the fun!
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These are the things we do in our youth. Thanks, Debbie.
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Had to look up tailgating in the American football context. Sounds like a cool idea. And also glad to know that in the creeping sameness around the world, there still are culturally and socially different customs 🙂
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The term originated with pick up trucks. Putting down the tailgate and laying the food there was the custom.
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Looks like you’ve done your fair share of tailgating. And I like your answer to the above comment. Informative.
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Yeah I think it might even be a Texas original given the amount of pick-up here. Thanks, Andrew.
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