Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at an American Football Game

~ John W. Howell
Pixabay photo

 

This post ran on September 12, 2017. Since American football is well underway, it still might be helpful.

 * * *

Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at an American Football Game

The inspiration for this list is the return of the American football season. The schedule is in full swing, and here are a few things to avoid this year.

10 If you are tailgating, do not set out an overstuffed couch. If you do, at best, folks will think you are so seventies. At worst, someone may get confused and believe they are in Morgantown, West Virginia, and set fire to it. (You thought it would be a statement of elegance, didn’t you, Baltazar?)

9 If you are tailgating, do not think a candelabra belongs in a stadium parking lot. If you do, at best, your fellow tailgaters will take you for an effete intellectual snob. At worst, Tiny, the WWF champ mourning Liberace’s passing, will believe you want him to join your party. (A sad, drunk Tiny is not a pretty picture, is it, Barnaby?)

8 If you are tailgating, do not set up a beer pong table. If you do, at best, you might attract the wrong crowd. At worst, that young person who has been playing so well is carded by the police. (Nice to know you are now charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, huh, Barrington?)

7 If you are tailgating, do not think yours will be the best grill in the lot. If you do, at best, the one next door is better. At worst, your grill does not even rank in the top one hundred. (CNN wants to interview you for a feature named “The Biggest Grill Losers.” Time to pack up, Beauregard)

6 If you are tailgating, do not think your propane tank is full without checking. If you do, at best, you give new meaning to medium rare. At worst, no one in the lot will be willing to loan you their propane tank. (Everyone you ask gives you that “Get away from me look right, Bennet?)

5 If you are tailgating, do not forget your portable satellite antenna. If you do, at best, you’ll have to attend the game. At worst, you may get caught trying to tap into the antenna cable next door. (You thought it would be a quick splice and done. How’s that black eye feeling, Bixby?)

4 If you are tailgating, do not run out of your favorite beverage. If you do, at best, you’ll have water. At worst, trying to borrow a cup of beer from your neighbors will be met with scorn. (Who knew everyone would turn their back on you, Bronson?)

3 If you are tailgating, do not forget to wear your team colors. If you do, at best, everyone will assume you are a guest. At worst, those around you who are in favor of one team will think you are in favor of the other. (No use trying to explain that you love their team, Byron.)

2 If you are tailgating, do not serve petits-fours to your guests. At best, they will claim to be full. At worst, you see them at another tailgate gorging themselves on chili and Polish sausage. (You have to remember where you are, Baldwin.)

1 If you are tailgating, do not over-serve yourself. If you do, at best you can über home. At worst, you’ll have to ask your partner to drive home. (How many lectures will it take so you never do that again, Barnabas?)

71 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do While Tailgating at an American Football Game”

      1. Then there’s the character who stands in the middle of a circle of humanity and allows himself to be covered with ketchup, mustard and other condiments after the tailgating is done and before the game begins. All part of Bill’s Mafia (fan base). We love our Buffalo Bills.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Following too close is called that here as well. The tailgate part of American football is from pickup trucks where you put down the tailgate and put out a spread of food.

          Like

  7. I laughed at the petits fours. I grinned at Charles’s comment just above about not hearing much about tailgating these days. Clearly, he’s not been hanging around Reliant Park in Houston when the team’s in town.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ve never tailgated, but I’ve certainly dealt with its consequences when I worked on college campuses. 🙄 Great list, John. You’ve captured the revelry.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Great list, John. I doubt that many tailgaters will pay heed to #1. For too many fans, it seems the point of tailgating is to over-serve.

    Football is definitely in full swing around here. We’ve found that game day is the best day for us to go to the gym. Hardly anyone is there 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Had to chuckle about the candelabra and Liberace. This isn’t football related but I watched the Rangers and Orioles last night. Saw folks from the balcony of a high-rise apartment near Camden Yards. They could watch the game for free from their home.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Some take tailgating to new heights. It’s been too long since I’ve been a participant at one of these events, but memory serves me well — and you’ve captured a lot of the fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Had to look up tailgating in the American football context. Sounds like a cool idea. And also glad to know that in the creeping sameness around the world, there still are culturally and socially different customs 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

Comments are closed.