Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Adrian Curiel on Unsplash

The inspiration for this list is a jam-packed three weeks of American football playoffs. (Notice, Dale, I called out the distinction.) You may not be a fan, but if you are, here is a friendly list of things not to do.

Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships

10 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not talk smack about your team’s opponent. If you do, at best, your team will move on to the Super Bowl. At worst, you may be served a big dish of cold crow by all who heard your talk. (You were sure your team would win, huh, Bunky. Now you have a full year of black poultry eating.)

9 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not plan anything important on that Sunday. If you do, at best, you’ll disappoint others. At worst, you will miss the game. (It just so happened your team lost by one point as the opponents went for the extra two points with two seconds to play. Way to let them down, Tex.)

8 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not think you can run to the store for basic food and beverage items. If you do, at best, you’ll get there and back before the first game. At worst, you’ll join one hundred of your fellow fans in a frenzy at halftime, fighting over the last bag of Cheetos. (Don’t be afraid. Tiny, the WWF champ, is asking you nicely to let go of that six-pack. He only gets mad if you ignore his growl, Merle.)

7 During the NFL Conference Championships, don’t try to grill dinner without a TV close at hand. If you do, at best, you’ll miss key plays watching that steak. At worst, you planned to time the steak for halftime but now have something resembling blackened cedar plank. (You totally forgot about the meat, right, Buford?)

6 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not accept an invitation to a house where you have no idea of the media capabilities of the host. If you do, at best, you will try to watch the game on inferior equipment. At worst, your host was not aware of the playoffs, and besides, he and his family have taken a no-TV pledge. (The only set in the garage is a black and white rabbit-eared portable that sparks when you turn it on, Bruce..)

5 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try to entertain your in-laws during the game. If you do, at best, you will have a difficult time handling both assignments. At worst, your in-laws will no longer be interested in the game and will ask if they can watch the movie Heidi instead. (Well, Ferd. You did try, and now you must turn to Heidi on this TV and go to your room.)

4 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not answer your phone. If you do, at best, it will be your talkative sister who doesn’t have a clue about football. At worst, it will be your boss who has no life and has decided to call a strategy meeting that should go on until midnight. (You could have said you were sorry on Monday, Pud.)

3 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not allow anyone you don’t know in your house. If you do, at best, you will be interrupted to play host to them. At worst, just your luck, the couple from your spouse’s work wants to share with you the idea that they think football is a metaphor for the male-dominated society and they believe it should be banned. (If you knew these people, you could tell them to have a big cup of shut the f*#k up, huh, Pilgrim?)

2 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not try anything funny or different with your TV. If you do, at best, you will only trip the circuit breaker. At worst, you will mess up enough to take out the city grid. (The news says the power will be back on around midnight, Buster. You can watch the game on your iPad, provided the battery holds. If not, there is always the Today Show recap. Way after Al Roker and the weather.)

1 During the NFL Conference Championships, do not overserve yourself even if things are not going well for your team. If you do, at best, the end of the evening may come too early. At worst, getting carried away with the game ended with a toss of your remote aimed for the referee which passed through the big screen on its one-thousand-mile trip. (Until then, it was an exciting game, huh, Dip?)

 

97 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do During the NFL Conference Championships”

  2. You can add, “make sure you know when your team is playing.” I thought our final game was on Sunday. It wasn’t until our daughter texted me with 3:43 left in the 4th quarter that I realized we played on Saturday. I told her, if we lost, it would be my fault because I wasn’t wearing any Steelers gear.

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  8. Haha! Duly noted, John. I’m all in (the Grey Cup has come and gone and Montreal won) for the NFL. Course, I am heartbroken – no, I know it is not over yet but dammit Dolphins, I went to bed after halftime and you were up by a touchdown… I wake up and you lost, having not scored anything?
    Oh, and for the Super Bowl, make sure you don’t accept the invitation from a friend WHO WATCHES IT IN FRENCH! It was wrong on every level last year…Mind you, I did win twenty bucks, but still 😉

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      1. It was awful! Plus most of the people weren’t even watching the damn game. Just my girlfriend and me.
        This year, I’ll make my own damn nachos and wings!

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  17. The Eagles are in total freefall, but I’ll be watching it all unfold regardless, John. As for your #1 listing, the remotes in our household have unionized as this season has wound down and won’t agree to work in the playoffs unless I agree to not send them airborne.✈

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  18. ‘My team’ thankfully embarrassed itself for the 8 year in a row and I can revel in no more hype by the local media. I was actually grateful they lost yesterday although if you’re gonna win any games in Denver, it should be against the Raiders. Oh well. Yeah, you’re so right…that plate of cold crow is super unpleasant as it goes down.

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        2. The Broncos have always had a stranglehold with the media, even back in the 60’s when they were worse than horrid. the city and fans loved their team and they always received the best sports coverage. While winning is nice, the mediocrity I can do without. The players and management have no heart. It’s like everyone is just in it for the money.

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        4. I used to be a totally addicted fan even during the bad years before Elway come on the scene. The former owner (Pat Bowlen) was a bit of a pompous jerk but you kinda overlooked it. The family began squabbling for control of the team when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease and then the team was sold to a consortium with more money than god. Unfortunately their have been a series of idiotic decisions (beginning with the firing of Mike Shanahan) that even a 7th grader would have avoided. Between Sean Payton and George Paton has been complete failures but they’ll likely continue to stay the course. Their bust draft picks and the gargantion Wilson deal (even before he played one down) will live in infamy as beyond stupid. They make my head hurt anymore.

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        5. Head hurt is a symptom of bad management. Sorry about that. The Steelers have had challenges but never real stupid stuff. The Rooney family is a caring group. They even gave Michael Vick a chance. (A guy I certanly don’t respect.)

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        6. Around these parts we have the Rockies as well joining in idiotic management. Although not a fan of the ownership (the Kroenke family) I’ll stick with the hockey, basketball and lacrosse teams. And not to be smug, they all have recent championships. 😈

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  20. My goodness, I suspect you’re a football fan. 😀 I can’t watch the game because I worry about who might get hurt. When my son broke his arm playing in high school, I was secretly happy because he couldn’t play the rest of the season. BUT then he signed up for Rugby.😳

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  22. I’m a huge football and basketball fan. I’ll be watching many of the playoff games, regardless if my teams are in it or not. One thing I’ve learned about myself is to avoid Super Bowl parties. I’m all about watching the game rather than talking about what Aunt Margaret used in the dip. Some casual fan will ask a question like that during a crucial part of the game. 🤣🤣🤣

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  23. Oh, this was really good! Who could ever forget the Heidi game? There should be a sign on the front door: only football lovers may cross this threshold. I have yelled at the ref, but never thrown the remote. 😅

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  25. I would add, put the TV set on mute so you won’t be subjected to the endless drivel of these overpaid announcers trying to justify their paychecks by using jargon no sane person would dare.

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      1. It’s getting a lot of pushback and for good reason. One of the suits at NBC tried to double talk his way out of it but really, it was transparent drivel. Not to mention predictable.

        Charles Omenihu of the Chiefs hosted a giveaway in which he gifted 90 three-month memberships to Peacock for the fans. Too bad his bosses aren’t as empathetic.

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  29. A lot of times the 2 conference championship games end up being more entertaining than the Super Bowl itself.

    The Super Bowl is often a mismatch but with the conference championship games, you’re getting the 2 best remaining teams in each conference.

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