This post first ran on January 20, 2017. Since I’m still riding a bike, I think the advice is still good.
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Top Ten Things Not to Do on a Bike
The inspiration for this list is my three-day-a-week three-mile ride on the single-speed beach cruiser bike. I get some crazy thoughts while moving along, and I thought I would share them with you.
10 On a bike, do not think you are riding a motorcycle. If you do, at best, the hand wave you make to the Hells Angels will be ignored. At worst, the leader of the pack, Tiny (WWF champion), will use you as an example of what happens when you mock the Hell’s Angels. (Don’t worry; he will untie you and let you go to the next town or fifty miles, whichever comes first, Ferd.)
9 On a bike, do not think you can take phone calls. If you do, at best, the other end will hear two out of ten words. At worst, you might be distracted enough to miss your turn and end up with a thirty-mile ride. (You have always warned people about that turn, and now you are the poster child, huh, Bunky?)
8 On a bike, do not think riding on a busy highway is the way to go. If you do, at best, you’ll get used to the horn honks. At worst, that eighteen-wheeler blast of air will knock some sense into you as you go airborne. (You were sure people couldn’t fly, weren’t you Tex?)
7 On a bike, do not insist on exercising your rights to the right of way. If you do, at best, all others will concede. At worst, you’ll confront a passive-aggressive psychopath who has just been told they need to be more assertive. ( That crumpled aluminum mass can be sold for scrap, Buster. Just pick it up and walk the ten miles to the recycle center.)
6 On a bike, do not neglect proper clothing. If you do, at best, the stares by those you pass can be ignored. At worst, the citation for indecent exposure will be seen as a markdown from public lewdness. ( All because of that speedo, huh Ace?)
5 On a bike, do not forget that wet roads are slippery. If you do, at best, a few slides will be a reminder. At worst, that long hill ending at Dead Man’s Curve seems to be a challenge right now because you are going twenty miles an hour straight down. (Brakes are a liability in this situation, aren’t they, Buford?)
4 On a bike, do not forget insects will hit you at the speed you are going. If you do, at best, a couple of moth hits is all you will experience. At worst, you’ll have the pleasure of being dismounted by the most enormous June bug on the planet. (This is not a joust, and there is no princess kiss at the end either, Duke.)
3 On a bike, do not watch the scenery more than the road. If you do, at best, you’ll get a warning to return to your lane. At worst, that lovely cottage and flower garden holding your attention is at the corner of the road and a drainage ditch. (mud and water are easy to get off you. What about the bike, Mike?)
2 On a bike, do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line. If you do, at best, you will get home safely. At worst, your storyline development will be interrupted by a quick ride to the ER. (Now, with your leg in the air, you have plenty of time to do the storyline, huh, Ernest?)
1 On a bike, do not think you can do tricks like you’ve seen on the trick bike championships. If you do, at best, you’ll remember that all those champions are under twenty years old and stop yourself. At worst, you’ll get halfway through a triple spin and realize that your arthritis is no longer your major bone problem. (Enjoy everyone visiting you in the hospital and asking, “What were you thinking, John?”)
Fiction Favorites 
So true! Now, drivers in cars need to pay attention to bicyclists…and stop to help if God forbid there is an accident!
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Very true. So many hit and runs these days.
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Great fun to read ! Just as well I don’t ride a bike!! 100 years ago…Dad bought a Tandem and I saw the Essex/Suffolk/part Norfolk countryside with him as Mum preferred other transport. Great fun, until the advent of World War 11 suggested he don an Air Force blue uniform… I certainly did some walking in my youth, perhaps that’s why I am so ancient?
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It looks like the walking held you in good stead, Joy. Thanks for sharing the story. 😊
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Thanks, John. Cheers.
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😊
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The last time I was on a bike was in my 30’s and I didn’t do as well as I remembered I could. Looking like a lizard with a nervous tick, I suppose I ruined that old line of “it’s as easy as riding a bike.”
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I’m so grateful that at 83 I can still do it. Thanks, GP. 😊
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Good for you!!
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I need to get mine tuned up and drag it out of the garage.
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Good idea. 😊
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The bug thing is real. My dad used to tell us that you can tell a happy cyclist by the bugs on his teeth…
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Ha ha ha Good one, Steve. 😁
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No imitating Kermit from one of the movies either.
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Yes, that is not allowed.
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Great list, John. I need to get a bike rack and take mine someplace safe to ride. I used to ride on neighborhood streets, but not since everyone drives like they are the highway in No. 8.
Be careful out there.
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I have a nice safe place to ride. Thanks, Dan
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🙂
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😊
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I cycle every day. Rule #1: Don’t assume drivers see you or will stop.
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good rule, Leon. I’m always surprised by the near misses.
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Even so, after all my years, just last week I was nearly hit by a driver running a red light. Yes, I looked both ways, saw my cyclist green light come up (giving us a few extra seconds before the cars), and proceeded out when I heard a screech. The red car stopped and I was face to face with the driver who missed me by inches.
I glared at him, pointed to his light and said “It’s red. It’s red.” As he drove off, I received a lot of shaking heads and rolling eyes from the other drivers.
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He assumed you were wrong. (Of course)
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😁
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If I attempted #9, it would be a disaster of epic proportions and end with me being head first in shrubbery on the side of the road.
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Shrubbery can be a friend. Believe me I know.
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Yes, indeed! There are logical things to keep in mind when riding a bike.
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Yes there are. Thanks, Tim
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I live on a corner where both streets are considered a bikeway which means it’s pretty much a free-for-all, traffic wise. The bicyclists in my Hood seem to think they are invincible and rules of the road simply don’t apply to them.
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I’ve seen bike riders like that picked up off the road by EMS. Not a good way to be.
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Some days I count those potential organ donors and have to shake my head. Just no accounting for arrogance dumb people.
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I wonder if they mark the organs, “roadkill?”
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Make that arrogant. My fingers and brain are not fully synced this morning. Sorry.
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I read it arrogance of dumb people so didn’t even notice. 😊
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😊
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Just ten more reasons why I don’t ride a bike. I still have scars on my knees from the last time I did and fell off on a patch of gravel. I’m just an accident waiting to happen on two wheels.
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By all means stay away from the two wheeled monster, Thanks, Darlene.
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Great reminders, John! Especially about the insects. I’ve been wanting a bike for a couple of years but I haven’t ridden in a long time and am worried I might take a nasty fall. There are some nice 3 wheelers out there for seniors which might do.
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They are a good alternative for sure. Thanks, Noelle.
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The motorcycle wave! I secretly do it in the car when I drive by them. I mean it in the best possible way, Tiny!!
What bugs me is the cyclists who ride against traffic. Wrong way, buddy!! 🚲
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They are courting disaster by riding the wrong way.
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oh John, these are so good and too funny. Sounds like some fun memories too, Once my son rode his scooter from L.A. to here once. on a scooter bike. I hadn’t thought of it forever but sudden memories send shivers up my spine 🥹
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That would send shivers up mine as well.
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These were all great. Number 2, “…do not think more about your plot line and less about the double line…” This is sooo me. lol
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Yes. Pay attention. Thanks, Kymber
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All very sound advice, John. I am always amazed at the idiots who DO ride on a highway. Scares the bejeezus out of me to see them, never mind do like them!
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Yes. Sometimes I think the are nuts.
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I cannot disagree.
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Good advice, John. I cringe every time I see a cyclist on the highway. Lots of adventurous souls in our area and, frankly, they scare me – and it should be the other way around. 😊
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Well, everyone should recognize the weight difference between a car and a bike.
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All good advice here, John 🙂
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Thanks, Denise
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Yay, I don’t do any of those things on your list when I ride my bike 😁. But I have seen some things, including people talking on their phone while riding their bike on a city street 🤦🏼♀️ Stupid is as stupid does.
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Yeah I would call that pretty stupid.
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Solid advice, John!
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Thanks, Jan
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#1 brings back memories of picking myself up after crashing into a parked car trying to impress Lee Ann Dodge in sixth grade. Hard to retain the cool factor after that. I’m sure she thought I was the biggest dufus.
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Oh I don’t know. She may have been impressed. (doubt it though.)
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Not unless she had a thing for clueless guys. 😊
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I sure wish my mind’s eye could unsee the image of the bike-rider in a Speedo. I shudder to think. 😳
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Yes, that does seem to be a need for amnesia moment.
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I might have done one or two of these in my past life.
Forget I said that.
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Totally forgotten.
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Gracias
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😊
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Great tips John, rules for the riders. Larry and I were on a practice ride today and we followed every one of these. Hugs, C
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I hope it all went well.
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I’m impressed you’re still riding a bike, John. Hopefully not wearing a Speedo, or having bugs flying into you. I think if you waved to Tiny he would wave back….well, maybe not.
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No speedo or bugs. Not ever sure about Tiny.
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😀
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😁
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My bike was my primary mode of transportation as a kid. Now, I think about starting again, but in the face of the traffic around here, common sense holds sway. I do wish the packs of cyclists that take to the roads on weekends would try to keep it to one lane, though. Getting stuck behind forty people on bikes can lead to uncharitable thoughts!
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Unless they are going the speed limit that behavior is plain rude. Thanks, Linda.
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I don’t own a bike, not interested, but STILL enjoyed this post. Love the Top Ten series.
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Thank you, Jacqui. There are 460 or so Top Ten Things Not to Do lists. We won’t run out I don’t think.
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These are all great, John! As you know, we pass a lot of cyclists on the back roads in West Marin, and when there’s no bike lane, it can get a little dicey. And some cyclists can be a bit arrogant. I don’t have much trust in drivers for me to ride on those roads without a designated bike lane. But I would like to start riding again where there aren’t many cars. 🙂
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I’m lucky in that there are not many cars where I ride.
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Have fun, John!
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Thanks.
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Always wonder how bicycle riding is possible in many of the Western countries, with big vehicles jostling for space on the road. From the childhood of my generation, when we were free birds at the age of 12 thanks to our bicycles, and pretty much kings (and queens) of the road with little motor traffic and that too reasonably careful and respectful, to that of our children who could only ride in enclosed, protected, no-traffic spaces, it has been a sea change. But thanks for bringing back memories.
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I think I’m still fortunate to be able to ride where there are few cars.
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I had the same exact bike pictured. But mine was sexy red, and I didn’t have no elite reflectors on it. I took my chances in the dark like a real man!
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Ha ha ha. Look closer. There are front and rear warning lights too.
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So true, dear John! I had some bike rides. One must be very concentrated & no phone calls, of course!!!🍻🍤🍤🍤
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Yes, indeed.🥂🍰
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