This post ran on January 15th, 2018. Since people still visit cities, it may be helpful.
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The inspiration for this post was thinking about supercities and possibly taking tours of them. These tours are not necessarily guided but just touring in general.
Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour
10 If you are touring Chicago, do not wear your Yankee baseball cap. If you do, at best, people will believe you have just been released from the mental hospital. At worst, the police will arrest you for unlawful assembly. (The crowd that gathered trying to convince you to burn your cap did get out of hand, right? Cnute?)
9 If you are touring New York City, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as your tour guide. If you do, at best, your only tour stop will be Gold’s Gym. At worst, you and Tiny will get into a principal argument about going to the 100th floor of the Empire State Building. (You had no idea Tiny was afraid of heights, did you, Colla? Now it doesn’t matter, because all you are seeing now is the inside of Bellview Hospital Center.)
8 If you are touring San Francisco, do not shut the cell door on Alcatraz Island. If you do, you will hear no click, and at worst, you will have picked the only cell that automatically locks when the door is closed. (The bad news is the guard with the key retired ten years ago. Yelling won’t help, Conell. Maybe the fire department can figure out a way to release you.)
7 If you are touring London, do not try to make the guard at Buckingham Palace smile. If you do, at best, someone will ask you to leave. At worst, you will be the 100th person to try today, and the guard’s Zoloft dose will have just worn off. (So much for your ugly American imitation, Cruz. Now you have to run.)
6 If you are touring Berlin, do not try to cut to the front of a line. If you do, at best, you will be politely told about your rudeness. At worst, you may be rewarded with a knuckle sandwich served without mustard. (I know you are used to doing that, Cyril. Here, that is a big no-no.)
5 If you are touring Paris, do not walk down the street eating a croissant. If you do, at best, you’ll collect a bunch of stares. At worst, passers-by will mistake you for someone who is mentally challenged and call the medics. (That straight jacket is only for your own protection, Cydney. Might as well relax.)
4 If you are touring Rome, do not speak loudly or draw attention to yourself in other ways. If you do, at best, the locals will scowl. At worst, the police will mistake you for a Russian spy. (You can guess how this will turn out, huh, Christiano?)
3 If you are touring Madrid, do not mention Francisco Franco, the dictator, unless you know the people well. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to listen to a three-hour lecture on the evils of his regime. At worst, you might be mistaken for a follower and end up in a duel. (Why didn’t someone warn you, Crey? Well, one would have thought you knew enough to avoid politics with people you don’t know.)
2 If you are touring Cairo, do not bring flowers to your host’s dinner. If you do, at best, someone may tell you to dispose of them. At worst, the host will think you are offering condolences or wanting to get married, which are the only reasons to bring flowers in Egypt. (Looks like you are getting hitched, Conyn, since no one has passed away. Good luck.)
1 If you are touring Moscow, do not keep your seat on the bus if an elderly person has to stand. If you do, at best, someone will give up their place but glower at you. At worst, you might be helped off the bus two miles before your stop. (You need to pay better attention to the local rules, Coltrane.)
Fiction Favorites 
That really had me chuckling, John. I part. liked the knuckle sandwich without mustard…Tee hee. (Always respect queues in the UK, otherwise you’ll hear a lot of tutting…) Cheers.
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Yes the UK is the most civilized queue country. Thank you, Joy.
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Are knuckle sandwiches better with mustard?
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Yeah, probably not but would be less funny.
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I love them all, John, but that picture is a riot and definitely wins the prize for what NOT to do when touring a city!
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I thought so too, GP. 😁
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The only Moscow I’m likely to visit is in Idaho, but I’ll still keep the rules in mind.
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I would. You can never tell what cassocks have retired there.
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Now — there has to be a Top Ten Things Not to Do When Visiting SXSW lurking in the back of your mind!
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Would be a good one except you and I would be the only ones getting it.
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That’s probably true, although the people at SXSW are convinced the entire world is focused on and interested in their production!
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Of course they think that. I was interested in the fact that the US Army was one of the sponsors of the event and 80 musicians and panelists pulled out in protest. I enjoyed the Governors statement to the effect that Texas and the Army go way back and if you don’t like it leave. Not sure how that played on the World stage but think it was mostly ignored,
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I don’t get it.
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Ha ha ha. Welcome to the comment section.
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I don’t get it.
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😁
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When I lived in Japan in the 70’s, I’d frequently be embarrassed by tourist behavior and came to understand what “ugly American” meant. This is a great list, John. Hilarious but worthy of consideration. 😊
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Thank you, Gwen. Folks tend not to pay attention to local customs. It is not just Americans. I have seen plenty of ugly Europeans during my times living in tourist destinations here in the US.
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Great advice, John!
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Thank you, Jennie.
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You’re welcome. John.
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😁
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Another warning not to hire Tiny. I would have thought he’d be handy to have around in NYC. I guess not. Fortunately, my parents taught me to give up my seat to so many different kinds of people, I’d never be in danger of making that mistake.
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Good parents indeed.
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We’ve missed Madrid and Rome and Moscow, but Prague is a lot like Moscow. Always give up that seat on the tram. The rest were so spot on!
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Yup. Good rule of thumb anywhere.
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Is that you hiding in the wonky costume?
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How did you know?
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Fits with your sense of humor!
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Thank you, Noelle.
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Yes, it’s wise to look into local customs when visiting a city, and good sense not to use a WWF champ for a tour guide.
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You never know when Tiny will explode.
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I love it when you do these lists and this is no different. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
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I’m gad you enjoyed it, Kymber.
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Priceless outfit and tips to put laughter in the day. Thanks, John❣️
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I’m glad you got a laugh, Cindy.
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Yep, going the Ugly American is fraught with pitfalls.
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So true, Liz.
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So much to keep track of! I imagine the biggest tie-in would be NOT to dress as the “tourist” in your photo, right?!
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I think not dressing like the photo would be a great tie-in. Thanks, Debbie.
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I think every traveler should “know their audience.” Good advice here John…and that picture speaks volumes as well.😁
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Yes the picture says a lot. Thanks, Bruce.
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Good things to keep in mind should I ever tour these cities. Another great top-ten, John!
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Thank you, Jan.
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Great list, John! I love the one about San Francisco. When we did a tour of Alcatraz, you know my husband just had to crouch in the cell and have me take a picture of him. Lucky man that I didn’t close the door on him 😉
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Ha ha ha, He was lucky indeed.
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What happens when you mess with the Royal Guard: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQH_ijcYKTo
Believe it or not, there are a lot of Yankee fans who live in Chicago, and they all show up when the Yanks are playing the Sox or Cubs. Used to cause fights, too…
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I remember the fact that Yankee fans were in Chicago, Great video clip.
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Great advice John. I’m writing these down. I always wanted to make one the guards smile though and I know from experience when In Germany Do not dawdle over your food or the server will take it away half eaten , they don’t fool around. 💚☘️
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I guess they want to turn over the tables.
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Thank you for the traveling tips, tour guide John. I think Alcatraz Island is best viewed from a distance, so no concerns about that one! 😅
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I agree on viewing Alcatraz from a distance say Sausalito. Thanks, Michele
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Yes, that was close enough for me and your description sealed the deal!
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Ha ha ha. That click is a very cold sound. Thanks for the laugh.
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Just reading that gives me the chills! Welcome.
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Writing it did the same for me.
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That’s a compliment to your writing! 👍🏻
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Thank you.
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Oh, getting locked up at Alcatraz sounds like the worst. I imagine those would be some long nights.
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I agree. Not the place to be for sure.
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Great advice . . . there are videos online of people trying to make the Palace Guard smile and it never goes well.
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So true. Pretty famous videos too. Thanks, Mark.
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Speaking as someone who has worn a Yankees cap in Chitown, you need to have a good sense of humor. And the ability to trash talk comes in handy as well. As for the Egyptians, I had no idea they had such an unflowery way of looking at such a lovely gift. And Russia? Imma just steer clear.
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Staying away from Russia will mean missing a lot of culture not to mention the best vodka on the planet.
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Imma partake of the vodka, but a visit seems unlikely with that Putin guy around for the foreseeable future.
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Yeah, there is that for sure.
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But you’re right . . the vodka, mmm.
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Um hum
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Salud!
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😁
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There may be something to “the ugly American” but no one can say we don’t have a sense of humor.
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That is true. Thank you, Jacqui.
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Good regional advice, John!
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Thank you, Barbara.
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If you’re touring Dutch city, don’t mess with bicyclists. They descend on you from each and every direction anyway.
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That is funny.
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Great list, John, and #8 brought a smile since it’s so close. 🙂 Love the photo!
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Thank you, Lauren.
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I did not give you permission to use that picture of me at the top of your article (post)! But I have to admit, it is rather flattering.
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Ha ha ha. I love this comment.
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The guy in the pic seems dressed for a fun tour of Winnipeg, or Astana.
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Ha ha ha.
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