Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour

~ John W. Howell

This post ran on January 15th, 2018. Since people still visit cities, it may be helpful.

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The inspiration for this post was thinking about supercities and possibly taking tours of them. These tours are not necessarily guided but just touring in general.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour

10 If you are touring Chicago, do not wear your Yankee baseball cap. If you do, at best, people will believe you have just been released from the mental hospital. At worst, the police will arrest you for unlawful assembly. (The crowd that gathered trying to convince you to burn your cap did get out of hand, right? Cnute?)

9 If you are touring New York City, do not hire Tiny, the WWF champ, as your tour guide. If you do, at best, your only tour stop will be Gold’s Gym. At worst, you and Tiny will get into a principal argument about going to the 100th floor of the Empire State Building. (You had no idea Tiny was afraid of heights, did you, Colla? Now it doesn’t matter, because all you are seeing now is the inside of Bellview Hospital Center.)

8 If you are touring San Francisco, do not shut the cell door on Alcatraz Island. If you do, you will hear no click, and at worst, you will have picked the only cell that automatically locks when the door is closed. (The bad news is the guard with the key retired ten years ago. Yelling won’t help, Conell. Maybe the fire department can figure out a way to release you.)

7 If you are touring London, do not try to make the guard at Buckingham Palace smile. If you do, at best, someone will ask you to leave. At worst, you will be the 100th person to try today, and the guard’s Zoloft dose will have just worn off. (So much for your ugly American imitation, Cruz. Now you have to run.)

6 If you are touring Berlin, do not try to cut to the front of a line. If you do, at best, you will be politely told about your rudeness. At worst, you may be rewarded with a knuckle sandwich served without mustard. (I know you are used to doing that, Cyril. Here, that is a big no-no.)

5 If you are touring Paris, do not walk down the street eating a croissant. If you do, at best, you’ll collect a bunch of stares. At worst, passers-by will mistake you for someone who is mentally challenged and call the medics. (That straight jacket is only for your own protection, Cydney. Might as well relax.)

4 If you are touring Rome, do not speak loudly or draw attention to yourself in other ways. If you do, at best, the locals will scowl. At worst, the police will mistake you for a Russian spy. (You can guess how this will turn out, huh, Christiano?)

3 If you are touring Madrid, do not mention Francisco Franco, the dictator, unless you know the people well. If you do, at best, you’ll be forced to listen to a three-hour lecture on the evils of his regime. At worst, you might be mistaken for a follower and end up in a duel. (Why didn’t someone warn you, Crey? Well, one would have thought you knew enough to avoid politics with people you don’t know.)

2 If you are touring Cairo, do not bring flowers to your host’s dinner. If you do, at best, someone may tell you to dispose of them. At worst, the host will think you are offering condolences or wanting to get married, which are the only reasons to bring flowers in Egypt. (Looks like you are getting hitched, Conyn, since no one has passed away. Good luck.)

1 If you are touring Moscow, do not keep your seat on the bus if an elderly person has to stand. If you do, at best, someone will give up their place but glower at you. At worst, you might be helped off the bus two miles before your stop. (You need to pay better attention to the local rules, Coltrane.)

82 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on a City Tour”

  1. That really had me chuckling, John. I part. liked the knuckle sandwich without mustard…Tee hee. (Always respect queues in the UK, otherwise you’ll hear a lot of tutting…) Cheers.

    Liked by 2 people

        1. Of course they think that. I was interested in the fact that the US Army was one of the sponsors of the event and 80 musicians and panelists pulled out in protest. I enjoyed the Governors statement to the effect that Texas and the Army go way back and if you don’t like it leave. Not sure how that played on the World stage but think it was mostly ignored,

          Liked by 1 person

  6. When I lived in Japan in the 70’s, I’d frequently be embarrassed by tourist behavior and came to understand what “ugly American” meant. This is a great list, John. Hilarious but worthy of consideration. 😊

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    1. Thank you, Gwen. Folks tend not to pay attention to local customs. It is not just Americans. I have seen plenty of ugly Europeans during my times living in tourist destinations here in the US.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Another warning not to hire Tiny. I would have thought he’d be handy to have around in NYC. I guess not. Fortunately, my parents taught me to give up my seat to so many different kinds of people, I’d never be in danger of making that mistake.

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  17. Great list, John! I love the one about San Francisco. When we did a tour of Alcatraz, you know my husband just had to crouch in the cell and have me take a picture of him. Lucky man that I didn’t close the door on him 😉

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  19. Great advice John. I’m writing these down. I always wanted to make one the guards smile though and I know from experience when In Germany Do not dawdle over your food or the server will take it away half eaten , they don’t fool around. 💚☘️

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  23. Speaking as someone who has worn a Yankees cap in Chitown, you need to have a good sense of humor. And the ability to trash talk comes in handy as well. As for the Egyptians, I had no idea they had such an unflowery way of looking at such a lovely gift. And Russia? Imma just steer clear.

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