Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day

~ John W. Howell
Photo by Joseph Corl on Unsplash

 

Well, here we are for a lifetime event. It is perfect that the eclipse coincides with my top ten list on Monday. You can bet I did not have a spare list hanging around, so yes, this is original.  I’ll run it again during the next one in 300 years.

Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day

1 On eclipse day, do not pull into the Chic-Fil-A drive-through. If you do, at best, your wait will be the normal hour. At worst, you will still be there three days from now. (who knew that everyone for ten states around wanted a chicken sandwich, Ferd.)

2 On eclipse day, do not serve inappropriate food at your party. If you do, at best, no one will attend the next one in 300 years. At worst, you will be known as the humorless old grump who doesn’t know how to throw a party. (A pretty tough evaluation for someone who didn’t serve Moon pies, sun chips, meteorite cheese balls, Orbit and Eclipse gum, Galaxy cupcakes, Starbursts, Milky Way, Capri Suns, and Moonshine martinis.)

3 On eclipse day, do not think those Ray Bans will protect your eyes. If you do, at best, you’ll catch on quickly. At worst, the week off from work to rest your eyes won’t be covered under the company’s benefits program. (You didn’t read the fine print under the heading ‘acts of stupidly’ did you Ralph?)

4 On eclipse day, do not think your grocery store will have a full food stock. If you do, at best, you only want to buy rutabagas.  At worst, you’ll find the shelves as empty as the day before a significant weather event. (You didn’t count on your town population going from 11,000 to 220,000 people since you are on the 100% coverage path. You will survive without milk, but your caffeine level is in the red, Buford.)

5 On eclipse day, do not decide to take the family for a leisurely ride in the car. If you do, at best, no one cares you have only gone two blocks in two hours. At worst, you will suddenly realize the traffic gridlock means you’ll spend the night in the car. (Little Jimmy’s cough and runny nose didn’t seem like a big deal before. Looks like twelve hours of exposure may put you under, Sid.)

6 On eclipse day, do not think you won’t need sunscreen. If you do, at best, the day will be cloudy. At worse, your assumption of the sun being blocked has given you a quick trip to the ER for those third-degree burns. (You should have known the eclipse only lasts four minutes, Bunky. The rest of the twelve hours you spent out there would have required an SPF of 50.)

7 On eclipse day, do not think you are immune to the effects of too many tequila sunrises. If you do, at best, you will quietly pass out. At worst, the next morning, you look at the outgoing calls on your phone to discover at least ten to your boss after midnight. (Too bad you can’t remember the reasons for the calls, Tex. Maybe it will come to you at your one-on-one Zoom meeting with the boss in five minutes.)

8 On eclipse day, do not try to park for free in that vacant lot. If you do, at best, the owner of the lot is on vacation. At worse, Tiny the WWF champion, the lot owner, has been dying to try out his new piece of recycling equipment. (The two-foot square metal block that used to be your car is available at Tiny’s recycling center. He’ll give you a deal, Haywood.)

9 On eclipse day, do not finish that 32-ounce big gulp before the big event. If you do, at best, the city has provided port-a-potties. At worse, the event you are attending is in the middle of a giant field with no facilities, and there is not a tree, shrub, or bush for miles. (You are now faced with a dilemma, Jake. You either make a run for it or hope there is a puddle you can drop into.)

10 On eclipse day, do not skip the event. If you do, at best, you’ll miss a lifetime opportunity. At worst, you have yourself convinced that it was no big deal. (Don’t worry, Derrell, maybe with cryogenics, you might be available three hundred years from now for the next one.)

 

124 thoughts on “Top Ten Things Not to Do on Eclipse Day”

  1. All good advice, John. It was great seeing Tiny again and learning he has a new toy.
    I saw on the news how crowded the towns are in the path of the eclipse. We’ll only get about 47%, so it’ll just look like an over cast day – no big deal.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I was wondering how long you were doing this before I started following. I figured you had to have one from an earlier eclipse. Well, you’re all set for the next one. Good job, John.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for the morning chuckles, John. Great Top Ten List! I look forward to your report after the eclipse passes. In our area, we’ve not much to see. 🌖

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My husband bought the eclipse glasses and had planned for us to drive to the town where we could see 100% coverage. Then he thought better of it. We’ll view the almost 100% eclipse from our yard.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Take pics, Liz. You’re smart to view it from home. We’ll get a pretty good view here, but not as good as you will. Children have to have signed parent permission. A teacher will take 2-3 kids outside at a time, with glasses of course.

      Liked by 2 people

        2. Wow! Lucky you, Liz. We had so-so darkening skies and the eclipse (through solar glasses) was an orange crescent sun. I realized I couldn’t take pictures and look at the sun through the solar glasses at the same time. Sheesh! Children all had solar glasses and we only took out a few children at a time, so they could look at the eclipse safely.

          Liked by 2 people

  6. We’re hoping for a break in the clouds. Have our eclipse glasses ready. I don’t plan to leave our property today. Too many from out of town/state/country coming for the event. We’re stocked up on food and gas.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Big smiles John.. I will be at home in England in semi dark with bare feet on the ground on the passage time of the eclipse… Humming 🙂 Great list of what not to do.. Except the last one… It is once in a life time event.. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Great top-10 list. Everyone seems consumed by this 4 minute event. I have too much to focus on here on planet earth to be looking up (plus I didn’t purchase any safe eyewear either). I’ll wait to see photos online from those who are stuck in traffic during the partial event here. Enjoy the spectacle from your vantage point which should be much better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We are in the 100% path but unfortunately there will be clouds. Hopefully we’ll get a break to see something. We know it will get dark so maybe we’ll have to be content with that.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Nicely done, John. We’re in the close-to-100% path and have been receiving notifications for weeks about the uptick in traffic expected. I’m planning on staying home. Monk is a basket case during thunderstorms — I can only imagine how he will react when it gets dark in the middle of the day!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Well written, John. I love the suggestion of a tequila sunrise! We will have an almost total eclipse here which we were going to skip but our kids are bringing over glasses for watching. Hadn’t thought about sun screen!

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I didn’t plan ahead and get myself any special glasses so… I dunno. We are supposedly in the 100% path. At lunchtime, should a pair fall into my hands, well then 😉

    Happy Eclipse!

    Liked by 1 person

  22. I’ve been pondering this, and decided the eclipse is the Taylor Swift of astronomical events. I did hear from someone in Dripping Springs who said they’re getting broken clouds, so Austin may luck out.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. From what I’ve seen, it looks like Austin lucked out — my friends in Kerrville had a wonderful view. We had some high clouds, but I was able to get some good views, too. Neat-o!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. The owner surprised us with eclipse glasses so we all could enjoy at least a few minutes of the big day. So I’m happy to report I was able to see some of the magic.

        Liked by 1 person

  26. Here’s hoping everyone who’s looking to get a great view of this has it, John. I remember when I was a kid there was one of these, and it was so weird – and so cool – how the darkness came and went.

    Liked by 1 person

  34. Great list, John, and fortunately we were well-aware of the issues around eclipse day. We were worried when the FAA put out an advisory for air travel. We thought it was weather events, but, nope, it was just a warning that people in private jets would be flying, trying to see the eclipse. Oy.

    Liked by 2 people

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